comedians

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too. – Jake Johansen

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. –Conan O’Brien

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. –Christopher Case

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. –Sue Murphy

I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. – Johnathan Katz

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. – Jeff Stilson

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not? If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ –Larry Miller

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. – Douglas Adams

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’ –Richard Jeni

I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. – Jack Mayberry

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. – Rita Rudner

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. –Dennis Miller

I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister’s house and ask her for money. –Kevin Meaney

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me! – Bobcat Goldthwait

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. – Dick Cavett

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? – Warren Hutcherson

Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double back-flip. – John Hiatt

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ –Paula Poundstone

Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. – Jerry Seinfeld

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. – Bob Ettinger

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. –Dennis Miller

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. – Paul Rodriguez

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’ –Jerry Seinfeld

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? –Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? – Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. – Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner .. – Lynda Montgomery

Writing is nature’s way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is. – Bob Mugele