Children: I’m against them. Really, they’re loud and annoying and they seem kind of retarded. Except those of my family members. Children in my family are beautiful geniuses who are charming. And any children I have will of course be tiny little gods or goddesses. But other people’s children, the kind you run into in Target, or who sit at the restaurant table near you, are gross. Please stop bringing out in public. That “seen and not heard” thing just doesn’t go far enough.

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