Hey, here are the worst jokes in the world for you. Heather likes them, but there’s no accounting for taste. I’m putting on the good and the bad, so don’t complain to me about it. These jokes came from the Laffy Taffy Candy; we don’t vouch for their quality because we didn’t make them up.
What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? — you rock to the beat.
How do you mend a broken jack o’ lantern? — with a pumpkin patch.
what do you call a lease of false teeth? — a dental rental
Where did the kittens go on the class trip — to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? — a watchdog
What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? — a reflection of you.
what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? — shore
What falls down but never gets hurt? — snow
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee’s hair? — a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? — you crack it up
Who greets you at a haunted house? — a host ghost
Why did the farmer bury all his money? — to make his soil rich
Where can you find an ocean without water? — on a map
What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? — a hobby horse
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
What do you call an avid gardener? — herb
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? — a poul-tree
What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? — a grape nobody picks on
What did the tree say to the mountain? — stop peaking at me!
What are sailors’ favorite fruits? — naval oranges
Where does a penguin keep his money? — in a snow bank
What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? — Let’s dance and I’ll dip you.
Why do bees have sticky hair? — they use honeycombs
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? — he wanted to get the scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? — she broke her angle
What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? — a chipmonk
What kind of trees sew? — pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? — lunch is on me.
What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? — I’ve been framed!
Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? — They gave the actors stage fright
How do you turn soup into gold? — add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? — Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? — Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? — ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? — howl do you do?
What does a car run on? — wheels
What did the sink say to the water faucet? — you’re a real drip
where do pigs park their cars? — in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema? — the film didn’t appeal to him.
Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? — because his mother was a wafer so long.
What do you call a hot dog in a bun? — an in betweenie weenie.
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? — He found a leek there.
How do you make a witch itch? — take away her W
What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? — tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*
What do you call a crab who plays baseball? — a pinch-hitter
What is the clumsiest bee? — a bumbling bee
What kind of bean can’t grow? — a jelly bean
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? — a martian mellow
How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? — eclipse it
What do you do when you have no rubber bands? — find a plastic orchestra
— — — — and some old favorites — — — — — –
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? — time to get a new fence.
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? — a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? — a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? — he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? — I’m in glove with you (heather’s favorite)
What’s brown and sticky? — a stick!
What’s red and not there? — no tomatoes
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? — a very cross penguin
How do billboards talk? — Sign language!
What kind of chain is edible? — A food chain!
What did the grass see say to the ball field? — I want to root for you.
How do you shoot a killer bee? — With a bee-bee gun.
Why did the bowling pins stop working? — Because they went on Strike.
Why do fish swim in schools? — Because they can’t walk in schools.
What is a buckaneer? — Expensive corn!
How do you get an alien baby to sleep? — You rocket!
What is a parasite? — Something you see in Paris.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? — To get to the other slide!
How do you get the water into watermelon? — Plant it in the spring!
Why was the boy covered in gift wrap? — His mom told him to “Live in the present!”
Why didn’t the berry cross the road?
Because he was berry scared.
What do you get when you cross an apple and a plum?
A plumpple!
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They use the banana-ster!
What do you call a turtle that flies?
A shell-icopter!
What shoes do bananas wear?
Peelers!
Why did the shark cross the Great Barrier Reef?
To get to the other tide.
Which month do people talk the most?
May, because it’s the beggining of the summer!
Why did the chicken cross the mountain?
To get to the other sight.
What do you get when you cross a banana, an orange, and a pear?
A bareange!
What is the wind’s favorite day of the week?
Windsday!
When is it the best time of the week to make french fries on the grill?
Fryday!
Why was there tomato sauce all over the town?
Because there was a tomato tornado.
What did the little bag of flour ask the girl bag of flour?
Can you please give me a flour?
What is the number 2’s favorite day of the week?
Twosday
What do you call a strawberry that does not have a straw?
A rawberry!
Why did the onions get eaten by the kids?
Because they scared off the yellow-spotted lizards!
Here’s the worst one I’ve ever seen. Swear-to-god I found this on a yellow wrapper. Ready?
Why didn’t the duck cross the grill?
Because he didn’t want to be a roast duck!
That is thanks to Louis H. in St. Louis, MO. Louis H., if you’re reading this: You are NOT funny. But thanks for the best icebreaker ever.
What do you call a carrot mixed with Steven Hoy?
Carrot Hoy
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? – Make me one with everything.
What is a Pirates faviorte letter?
Arggh you would think it was the R but really it is the C (sea) Haha ha ha
What does a Pirate drink for breakfast? RRRange Juice.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall
A: DAM
What’s purple and crawls?
A wounded grape.
lol this one is retarded but it just gets me.
here’s more but theyre not laffy taffy jokes..
What did the doctor say to the midget?
You’ll just have to be a little patient
What did one worm say to the other worm?
Are you my ass?
A girl listening to her headphones said, “Country music is so sad. It’s all about dogs dying, and people cheating.”
I asked, “What do you get if you play a country song backwards?”
“Your dog, car, house, and wife back.”
What is the best way to brush your hare?
Hold it firmly by his long ears and brush gently.
Worst joke ever….
What do you call a flower under you nose?
– tulips
LMAO THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!! 😀
what is a cows favourite movie?
mooooolan
these are the most stupid jokes i have ever heard……..they still made me laugh though..me and my lil cuz just wasted 10 minutes reading this.
What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
Beef Jerky! (that is my favorite Laffy Taffy Joke)
Q: Why did I put deodorant on one arm?
A. So I know what I would have smelled like!
Why isn’t a nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call a Laffy taffy joke that isn’t funny?
A Laffy tacky joke!!!!!
my cats name is taffy and his brothers name is
l a ff y!
Q. Why did the moron take a ladder to the bar?
A. Because he heard the drinks were on the house.
—-
Q. What did the doctor say to the patient who walked in with a banana in his ear, beans in his nose, and a salad on his head?
A. You’re not eating right.
—-
Q. What happened to the moron hockey team?
A. They drowned during spring training.
—-
Q. What coat do you put on wet?
A. A coat of paint.
—-
Two morons are walking toward each other on a country road. One is carrying a bag over his shoulder.
“What’s in the bag?”, asked one moron.
“Chickens”, replied the other.
“If I guess how many, can I have one of them?”
“You can have both of them!”
“Ok. Five?”
Q:WHY DID THE JELLY ROLL???
A:BECAUSE IT SAW THE APPLE TURNOVER!!!
HANDS DOWN BEST JOKE EVER!
What did the horse with Life Alert say?
Help! I’ve fallen and i cant Giddy Up!
bahahahaha
Favorite Laffy Taffy Jokes:
How do Billboards talk??? —-They use sign language!
What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar? —Buck teeth!
Why did the old lady tie roller skates to her rocking chair? —Because she wanted to rock and roll!
Why did the man put his car in the oven? —Because he wanted a Hot Rod!
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? —He had no body to go with!
Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him? —To see how long he slept!
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where’s my tractor?
What is green an pecks on trees?. . .Woody Wood Pickle!
Hahahaha
OH MY FREAKIN GOD!!! i love that joke, i seriously tell it to ppl all the time!!!
What clothes do you put on for church? Holy Clothes!
Lmaooo i enjoyed the 1st part, i can crack up to these jokes every time i read 1. I love these jokes.
why did the spirit join the baseball team? To give them team spirit
What do you call a man in your mail box with no arms and no legs?
– Bill
What do you call a man in water with no arms and no legs?
– Bob
What do you call a man with on arms and no legs on your front porch?
– Matt
What do you call a lady with one eye and one leg?
– Ilene (i lean)
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
– Because pepper water would make them sneeze
My little sister and I have been trying to figure out for hours now, what on earth is a flash garden, and why does it have the most vegetables???????
Wat the hell is a flash garden and why does it have the most vegetables?????????
haha why did the boy take toilet paper to the party?
he was a party pooper!
You hear bout the race between the Lettuce, the Tomato and the Faucet?
The Lettuce was Ahead.
The Tomato couldn’t Ketchup.
And the Faucet just kept right on running…
LOL
what color is a burp?
Burple
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face
you: why did the chicken cross the road?
them: i dont know
you: to get to your house!!
… long awkward pause …
you: knock knock
them: who’s there?
you: the chicken!!!
What is the nickname for a monkey with pants? MONKEY PANTS!!!!!!!!
I love that one!:)