Laffy Taffy Jokes (the worst jokes in the world)

by , under Funny Lists

material provided by the femmes de la grassy knoll (aka my sister & her friends) who were kind enough to eat an entire bag of Laffy Taffy candy (get a bag of your own from Amazon.com!) just to provide content for my website:

Hey, here are the worst jokes in the world for you. Heather likes them, but there’s no accounting for taste. I’m putting on the good and the bad, so don’t complain to me about it. These jokes came from the Laffy Taffy Candy; we don’t vouch for their quality because we didn’t make them up.

What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? — you rock to the beat.

How do you mend a broken jack o’ lantern? — with a pumpkin patch.

what do you call a lease of false teeth? — a dental rental

Where did the kittens go on the class trip — to the meow-seum.

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? — a watchdog

What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? — a reflection of you.

what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? — shore

What falls down but never gets hurt? — snow

What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee’s hair? — a honey comb

How do you get a peanut to laugh? — you crack it up

Who greets you at a haunted house? — a host ghost

Why did the farmer bury all his money? — to make his soil rich

Where can you find an ocean without water? — on a map

What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? — a hobby horse

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles

What do you call an avid gardener? — herb

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? — a poul-tree

What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? — a grape nobody picks on

What did the tree say to the mountain? — stop peaking at me!

What are sailors’ favorite fruits? — naval oranges

Where does a penguin keep his money? — in a snow bank

What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? — Let’s dance and I’ll dip you.

Why do bees have sticky hair? — they use honeycombs

Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? — he wanted to get the scoop

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? — she broke her angle

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? — a chipmonk

What kind of trees sew? — pine trees, they always have needles around

What did the plate say to the other plate? — lunch is on me.

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? — I’ve been framed!

Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? — They gave the actors stage fright

How do you turn soup into gold? — add 24 carrots (karats)

What do you do if a rhino charges you? — Give him your credit card.

Why did they bury the battery? — Because it was dead.

What do sneezes wear on their feet? — ahh-shoes

What do wolves say when they are introduced? — howl do you do?

What does a car run on? — wheels

What did the sink say to the water faucet? — you’re a real drip

where do pigs park their cars? — in a porking lot

Why did the banana leave the cinema? — the film didn’t appeal to him.

Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? — because his mother was a wafer so long.

What do you call a hot dog in a bun? — an in betweenie weenie.

Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? — He found a leek there.

How do you make a witch itch? — take away her W

What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? — tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*

What do you call a crab who plays baseball? — a pinch-hitter

What is the clumsiest bee? — a bumbling bee

What kind of bean can’t grow? — a jelly bean

Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? — a martian mellow

How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? — eclipse it

What do you do when you have no rubber bands? — find a plastic orchestra

— — — — and some old favorites — — — — — –

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? — time to get a new fence.

What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? — a frog in a blender

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? — a dead school bus

Why did the man throw his margarine? — he wanted to see the butter fly

What did the finger say to the thumb? — I’m in glove with you (heather’s favorite)

What’s brown and sticky? — a stick!

What’s red and not there? — no tomatoes

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? — a very cross penguin

How do billboards talk? — Sign language!

What kind of chain is edible? — A food chain!

What did the grass see say to the ball field? — I want to root for you.

How do you shoot a killer bee? — With a bee-bee gun.

Why did the bowling pins stop working? — Because they went on Strike.

Why do fish swim in schools? — Because they can’t walk in schools.

What is a buckaneer? — Expensive corn!

How do you get an alien baby to sleep? — You rocket!

What is a parasite? — Something you see in Paris.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? — To get to the other slide!

How do you get the water into watermelon? — Plant it in the spring!

Why was the boy covered in gift wrap? — His mom told him to “Live in the present!”

  1. Tushar Ray

    Throughly enjoyed …Office work was getting a bit tedious, wanted something to pep me up. Your page did the trick. Brought back memories 40 years back, when we used to impress the girls with these one liners…Cheers
    Tushar

    Reply
  2. ray

    why was it so hot after the football game? because all of the fans left!!! (HA HA HA….by far the best one)

    Reply
  3. Rebecca

    My personal favorite is the game and fans left as posted above…but the halloween one…

    What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?

    Reply
  4. Clo

    I cant say which is my favorite, but I LOVE the laffy taffy jokes. They are so clever, and cute, and they put me in a good mood.

    Reply
  5. Jay

    Wuts green,black,white,black,green?
    Two pickles fighting for an OREO! bahaha. man o man.

    Reply
  6. Amy

    Knock Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Cows say.
    Cows say who?
    No silly cows say moo!
    haha gets me everytime! :]

    Reply
  7. Kristin

    Why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog?
    because someone told him to get along little doggy

    Reply
  8. Kristin

    Why was Cinderella so bad at sports?
    Because she had a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball

    Reply
  9. tara

    What did the mexican fire chief name his two sons?
    Hose A and Hose B

    Reply
  10. amandaaaaaa

    mkaaay.
    why did the chicken cross the road?
    -to get to the other sideee!
    why did the gummmm cross the road?
    -because it was stuck to the chicken’s feet!!!
    ahhh, hahahaha.
    😀

    Reply
  11. nicoleeeeee

    why did the monkey fall out of the tree?..
    – cause it was dead!…
    why did the duck fall out of the tree?..
    – cause it was stappled to the monkey
    mwa ha ha ha
    much love 😀

    Reply
  12. sophia

    this was so great told these to my co- workers in a call center while we where working and it realy made the day go by we all loved it -sophia va beach va

    Reply
  13. angie

    what do eskimos get when they sit on ice too long?
    POLARoids!! hahahah
    i LOOVE that one:)

    Reply
  14. Janet

    If there was one, what would be the bounty
    on a pirate?
    Answer: about a buck an ear (buccaneer)

    Reply
  15. bre

    Q: What did one math book say the other?

    A: I don’t know about you but I have a lot of problems!!!!!

    Non-PG version: add me, subtract the lights, divide your legs and lets multiply!!!!!

    Reply
  16. jennifer gonzalez

    why was the tomato blushing??
    because it saw the salad dressing!!
    that’s my favorite!!

    Reply
  17. Kari

    What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer…?

    …One sells watches and the other watches cells.

    I read that one in a Laffy Taffy probably 20 years ago, back when they were wrapped in squares with the jokes printed on the inside of the wrapper.

    Reply
  18. Angela

    Haha these are great! lol real knee slappers =D
    So anways
    What did one sandwich say to the other sandwich?? — your full of bologna!
    Oh gee, i have too much fun with that one

    Reply
  19. Tom

    We have taken a vote in our office where we LIVE on Laffy Taffy.
    The top two in the office are:
    What do you call a cow with a twitch?
    Beef Jerky!
    What do Christmas and a cat in the desert have in common?
    Both have Sandy Claws!
    By far the best two

    Reply
  20. Shauna

    very cute jokes but my fav…
    How do you make a tissue dance?
    you put a little boogie in it!!

    Reply
  21. Jackie

    my FAVORITE Laffy Taffy joke:
    What kind of cheese isn’t your cheese?!
    NACHO Cheese!!!!
    HAHAHA after all these years, it still makes me laugh =]

    Reply
  22. arthur

    why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
    cause if they had 4 they would be a chicken sedan
    LOLOLOLOLOLOL
    best joke in the whole WORLD

    Reply
  23. Chris Hart

    what do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear!!
    Where did the Spaghetti go to dance? The meat ball!!!!

    Reply
  24. Pip

    Well my girlfriend told me this one for like every day for a fortnight so I think I have the right to steal it 🙂
    What did one cornflake say to another cornflake?
    I’ll tell you next week it’s a cereal!
    I know it’s one to groan at 🙂

    Reply
  25. Lacey

    My favorite one is:
    When does it rain money? -when theres change in the weather!!! HHHHAAA!!!

    Reply
  26. liz

    Why do gorilla’s have big nostrils?
    Because they have big fingers!!!
    Hee Hee Hee!!!!

    Reply
  27. John

    Whats the best way to brush your hare?
    Hold him firmly by his long ears and brush gently.
    Hilarious!

    Reply
  28. Stephanie

    Why did the man take a hammer to bed?
    He wanted to hit the sack.
    Why do mother kangaroos hate the rain?
    Because the kids have to play inside all day.

    Reply
  29. Amanda

    LOL these are great — some of my favs:
    What do you call one cow spying on another cow?
    -A steak out.
    Why was the policeman in bed?
    -He was undercover.
    Why was six afraid of seven?
    -Because seven eight(ate) nine!
    There were two muffins in an oven and one muffin turned to the other and said, “MAN! IT”S HOT IN HERE” and the other muffin said, “AHHH! TALKING MUFFIN!”
    LOLOLOLOL!! oh make my day.

    Reply
  30. Lele

    Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
    -Because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls! ah haha! BAGELS!!

    Reply
  31. Kasey

    “What is Green and Sings?
    Elvis Parsely”
    Be more specific… i’ve always heard “whats green and sings blue suede shoes?” with the same answer

    Reply
  32. Jen

    If you are an American in the kitchen, what nationality are you in the bathroom?
    European
    (Not a LT joke, but just as cheesy!)
    HA!

    Reply
  33. Hannah

    Why did the cactus cross the road ?
    because he was stuck to the chicken’s back.
    bahahahaha. that’s flippin hilarious !

    Reply
  34. paige <3

    what do a cow and a grape have in common?
    they’re both purple…
    except for the cow!!
    :]] i love that one

    Reply
  35. Nici

    Why did the mailman run from the tree?
    Because he saw it’s bark.
    nahahaha.

    Reply
  36. Cori

    Why are elephants big and grey??
    -because if they were small and purple they’d be grapes!
    hahaha =]

    Reply
  37. Stephanie

    Why did the little mouse run away from home?
    Because his father was a rat.
    Why did the sun go to school?
    It wanted to be brighter.

    Reply
  38. MARY

    Why did the skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!
    What do pigs put on their cuts?….Oinkment
    HAHA:)

    Reply
  39. Stephanie

    Why did the ghost sing off key?
    He left his sheet music at home.
    What’s the best way to brush your hare?
    Hold him firmly by his long ears and brush gently.
    I don’t know about that last one, but I transcribed it right off a Laffy Taffy wrapper.

    Reply
  40. Toby

    What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
    – “Here come the elephants over the hill.”
    What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
    – nothing, he didn’t recognize them.

    Reply
  41. Candice

    Strait from LT wrappers
    What is the best way to keep water from running?
    Don’t pay the water bill.
    How many vampires does it take to put in a light bulb?
    None. Vampires like the dark.
    When does a doctor get mad?
    When he runs out of patients.

    Reply
  42. Claudette

    My quad group at work buys laffy taffy just so we can tell the jokes in the afternoon. One of our favorites is What did the casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin…Hilarious!

    Reply
  43. Dave S.

    Here’s my favourite joke ever:
    “What’s black and white and isn’t here anymore?”
    “No more oreos.”

    Reply
  44. Stephanie

    These aren’t great, but they’re on the Laffy Taffy wrapper in front of me.
    How far did the witch fly?
    Ghost to ghost.
    How does every baseball player get a hit?
    He sings a song.

    Reply
  45. Nicole

    My friend and I are music people so this made us laugh when we read it from the back of a laffy taffy.
    Why couldn’t Beethoven find his instructor?
    Because he was Haydn.

    Reply
  46. Jill

    Here’s another good one:
    What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus?
    A porky-pine!!!
    Best joke EVER!!

    Reply
  47. rachel

    Best laffy taffy joke I’ve ever heard.
    Why don’t lobsters share?
    because they’re shellfish!

    Reply
  48. Corey Skoumal

    What is colorful and has a horn???
    …..a unicorn on top of a magic rainbow!!!!

    Reply
  49. Corey Skoumal

    What do you get when you cross a dragon fly and a head-less horse?
    >>>>Head-less dragon horse fly

    Reply
  50. bulldog

    What do you call a sleep walking nun?
    A Roman Catholic
    Why did the skeleton go to the movies alone?
    Beacause he had noBODY to go with
    These are def my fav haha!!

    Reply
  51. bulldog

    what do you call a sleep walking nun?
    a roman catholic
    why did the skeleton go to the movies alone?
    because he had noBODY to go with
    these are def my fav haha!!

    Reply
  52. aisling

    how can you tell if a vampire has a cold?
    he starts coffin!
    hahahahahahahah 8]

    Reply
  53. aisling

    what is dracula’s favorite ice cream flavour?
    vein-illa!
    hahahahahahahahahaha
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
  54. aisling

    why don’t you tell a egg a joke? because it will crack up…
    what is snake’s favorite subject?
    hiss-tory…
    why did Tommy throw the clock out the window?because he wanted to see time fly…

    Reply
  55. pocoloco

    whats green and has 3 wheels??
    grass…i was just kidding about the wheels part 😉
    hahaha

    Reply
  56. Cp

    What do you call a pig that knows karate?
    A: Pork Chop!!!
    ALL time favorite!!
    2 potatoes standing on the side of the road, one’s a prostitute, how do you know which one?
    A: The one w/the IDAHO sticker!!!

    Reply
  57. anonymous

    Wow these are funny…
    What’s brown, sticky, and goes by “log”?! A STICK!!! lol so funny

    Reply
  58. lds

    my favorite is
    Two prezels were walking down the street … One was assaulted…
    a salted
    hahaha

    Reply
  59. Bryon

    did you hear about the circus that came to town? Ya it was in tents…intense get it haha

    Reply
  60. Brigg

    Why did the tomato blush?!?!?!….?
    Because it saw the salad dressing.
    LOL LOL Laugh Out Loud LOL GEE WIZ THATS FUNNY, I JUST PEED ALITTLE

    Reply
  61. Kassie

    These are from my Laffy Taffy tonight:
    Why did the bowling pins stop working?
    ~Because they went on STRIKE!
    Why do fish swim in schools?
    ~Because they can’t WALK in schools…
    the bowling pins one is one of the best ones I personally have found yet.

    Reply
  62. Ashleigh Rader

    Ok, here are my favorite:
    What’s worse than raining cats and dogs??
    Hailing a taxi!
    and……
    Have you heard the joke about the sidewalk?
    It’s all over town!
    HA!

    Reply
  63. joy

    what did the mother cow say to its child on its first day of school? bison.

    Reply
  64. Sam

    What is green and pecks on trees?
    Woody wood pickle!
    What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
    You can’t tuna fish? Get it? tune a, tuna!

    Reply
  65. Shannon

    Why did the mouse sleep under the oil can?
    So it wouldn’t be squeaky in the morning!

    Reply
  66. Stephanie

    I have a pile of Laffy Taffy wrappers on my desk…
    What do you call a mean-tempered horse?
    A nightmare.
    Where do fish sleep?
    In a water bed!
    What washes up on really small beaches?
    Microwaves.
    Why didn’t the bear cross the road?
    Because he was beary scared.
    What is a tree’s favorite drink?
    Root beer.
    How does a dinosaur come out of a pool?
    Wet!
    What did King Tut say when he got scared?
    I want my mummy!
    What do you call a grizzly bear standing in the rain?
    A drizzly bear.

    Reply
  67. Brittany

    Q—What does a Horse Say when It Falls Down???
    A—I have Fallen and I cant GIDDY UP!!!!
    Bahahahha….Lord Have mercy

    Reply
  68. La'Monda

    OMG I LUV DA LAFFY TAFFY JOKES THEY KEEP ME LAUGH!!!!
    BUT Y DO THEY CALL ME BLUE CHEESE??
    CAUSE I B DRESSING!!!!!!!!!!!!
    NOW DATS FUNNY

    Reply
  69. Alice

    Why do mother kangaroos hate the rain??
    Because the kids have to play inside all day!!!! HAAAA! …lol…
    I like that one!

    Reply
  70. Cassie Dil and Ashley Lid

    I am cracking up. I love the BOLONEY one. Hahahaahahahahahahahahahaha

    Reply
  71. Cassie Dil and Ashley Lid

    THESEE ARE THE BESTTT! LID AND DIL ARE CRACKING UP!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    Reply
  72. Jenn

    Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide. :o)
    Where do dogs park their cars?
    In a barking lot!
    I *heart* Laffy Taffy. :o) Thanks for the jokes.

    Reply
  73. kyna

    i lovee thesssse…
    why is the ocean waterrr blue?
    cuz the fish go blu-blu-blu-blu
    why did the chicken go to the library?
    to check out a bawk bawk bawk

    Reply
  74. nautica

    WHY DO WITCHES FLY ON BROOMS?
    BECAUSE VACUM CLEANERS ARE TO HEAVY.
    WHAT DO BUNNIES SAY ON HALLOWEEN.
    HAVE A ”HOPPY HALLOWEEN”

    Reply
  75. Briar M.

    How many apples does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Because they’re so darn crunchy!

    Reply
  76. Briar M.

    Which month do people talk the most?
    May, because it’s the beggining of the summer!

    Reply
  77. Briar M.

    What did the little bag of flour ask the girl bag of flour?
    Can you please give me a flour?

    Reply
  78. Briar M.

    Why did the onions get eaten by the kids?
    Because they scared off the yellow-spotted lizards!

    Reply
  79. Cu Sith

    Here’s the worst one I’ve ever seen. Swear-to-god I found this on a yellow wrapper. Ready?
    Why didn’t the duck cross the grill?
    Because he didn’t want to be a roast duck!
    That is thanks to Louis H. in St. Louis, MO. Louis H., if you’re reading this: You are NOT funny. But thanks for the best icebreaker ever.

    Reply
  80. Darren

    What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? – Make me one with everything.

    Reply
  81. Johnny M

    What is a Pirates faviorte letter?
    Arggh you would think it was the R but really it is the C (sea) Haha ha ha
    What does a Pirate drink for breakfast? RRRange Juice.

    Reply
  82. CrazyCarl

    What’s purple and crawls?
    A wounded grape.
    lol this one is retarded but it just gets me.
    here’s more but theyre not laffy taffy jokes..
    What did the doctor say to the midget?
    You’ll just have to be a little patient
    What did one worm say to the other worm?
    Are you my ass?
    A girl listening to her headphones said, “Country music is so sad. It’s all about dogs dying, and people cheating.”
    I asked, “What do you get if you play a country song backwards?”
    “Your dog, car, house, and wife back.”

    Reply
  83. dsgfyasdgbftr235

    What is the best way to brush your hare?
    Hold it firmly by his long ears and brush gently.
    Worst joke ever….

    Reply
  84. jake

    What do you call a flower under you nose?
    – tulips
    LMAO THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!! 😀

    Reply
  85. Anonymous

    these are the most stupid jokes i have ever heard……..they still made me laugh though..me and my lil cuz just wasted 10 minutes reading this.

    Reply
  86. Loretta

    What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
    Beef Jerky! (that is my favorite Laffy Taffy Joke)

    Reply
  87. Whipster

    Q. Why did the moron take a ladder to the bar?
    A. Because he heard the drinks were on the house.
    —-
    Q. What did the doctor say to the patient who walked in with a banana in his ear, beans in his nose, and a salad on his head?
    A. You’re not eating right.
    —-
    Q. What happened to the moron hockey team?
    A. They drowned during spring training.
    —-
    Q. What coat do you put on wet?
    A. A coat of paint.
    —-
    Two morons are walking toward each other on a country road. One is carrying a bag over his shoulder.
    “What’s in the bag?”, asked one moron.
    “Chickens”, replied the other.
    “If I guess how many, can I have one of them?”
    “You can have both of them!”
    “Ok. Five?”

    Reply
  88. Dawn

    Q:WHY DID THE JELLY ROLL???
    A:BECAUSE IT SAW THE APPLE TURNOVER!!!
    HANDS DOWN BEST JOKE EVER!

    Reply
  89. BBBBritt

    What did the horse with Life Alert say?
    Help! I’ve fallen and i cant Giddy Up!
    bahahahaha

    Reply
  90. Shaun

    Favorite Laffy Taffy Jokes:
    How do Billboards talk??? —-They use sign language!
    What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar? —Buck teeth!
    Why did the old lady tie roller skates to her rocking chair? —Because she wanted to rock and roll!
    Why did the man put his car in the oven? —Because he wanted a Hot Rod!
    Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? —He had no body to go with!
    Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him? —To see how long he slept!

    Reply
  91. Kristie

    OH MY FREAKIN GOD!!! i love that joke, i seriously tell it to ppl all the time!!!

    Reply
  92. Miah

    Lmaooo i enjoyed the 1st part, i can crack up to these jokes every time i read 1. I love these jokes.

    Reply
  93. cori

    What do you call a man in your mail box with no arms and no legs?
    – Bill
    What do you call a man in water with no arms and no legs?
    – Bob
    What do you call a man with on arms and no legs on your front porch?
    – Matt
    What do you call a lady with one eye and one leg?
    – Ilene (i lean)
    Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
    – Because pepper water would make them sneeze

    Reply
  94. Trayaa and Zandra

    My little sister and I have been trying to figure out for hours now, what on earth is a flash garden, and why does it have the most vegetables???????

    Reply
  95. Trayaa and Zandra

    Wat the hell is a flash garden and why does it have the most vegetables?????????

    Reply
  96. Kendall

    haha why did the boy take toilet paper to the party?
    he was a party pooper!

    Reply
  97. Dale

    You hear bout the race between the Lettuce, the Tomato and the Faucet?
    The Lettuce was Ahead.
    The Tomato couldn’t Ketchup.
    And the Faucet just kept right on running…
    LOL

    Reply
  98. stephanie

    you: why did the chicken cross the road?
    them: i dont know
    you: to get to your house!!
    … long awkward pause …
    you: knock knock
    them: who’s there?
    you: the chicken!!!

    Reply
  99. office joe

    Where does a one legged waitress work?

    Ihop

    What did the doctor say to the midget in the waiting room?

    You just have to be a little patient.

    Reply
  100. Roni

    i found one yesterday and it made me crack up

    what did the horse say when he fell down?
    -help! ive fallen and i can’t giddy-up!

    Reply
  101. Brittany

    What does a girl ghost wear in her hair? A dead band
    What kind of meat do dogs cook on the grill on the 4th of July? Bark-Beque

    Reply

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