Hey, here are the worst jokes in the world for you. Heather likes them, but there’s no accounting for taste. I’m putting on the good and the bad, so don’t complain to me about it. These jokes came from the Laffy Taffy Candy; we don’t vouch for their quality because we didn’t make them up.
What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? — you rock to the beat.
How do you mend a broken jack o’ lantern? — with a pumpkin patch.
what do you call a lease of false teeth? — a dental rental
Where did the kittens go on the class trip — to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? — a watchdog
What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? — a reflection of you.
what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? — shore
What falls down but never gets hurt? — snow
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee’s hair? — a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? — you crack it up
Who greets you at a haunted house? — a host ghost
Why did the farmer bury all his money? — to make his soil rich
Where can you find an ocean without water? — on a map
What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? — a hobby horse
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
What do you call an avid gardener? — herb
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? — a poul-tree
What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? — a grape nobody picks on
What did the tree say to the mountain? — stop peaking at me!
What are sailors’ favorite fruits? — naval oranges
Where does a penguin keep his money? — in a snow bank
What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? — Let’s dance and I’ll dip you.
Why do bees have sticky hair? — they use honeycombs
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? — he wanted to get the scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? — she broke her angle
What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? — a chipmonk
What kind of trees sew? — pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? — lunch is on me.
What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? — I’ve been framed!
Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? — They gave the actors stage fright
How do you turn soup into gold? — add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? — Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? — Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? — ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? — howl do you do?
What does a car run on? — wheels
What did the sink say to the water faucet? — you’re a real drip
where do pigs park their cars? — in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema? — the film didn’t appeal to him.
Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? — because his mother was a wafer so long.
What do you call a hot dog in a bun? — an in betweenie weenie.
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? — He found a leek there.
How do you make a witch itch? — take away her W
What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? — tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*
What do you call a crab who plays baseball? — a pinch-hitter
What is the clumsiest bee? — a bumbling bee
What kind of bean can’t grow? — a jelly bean
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? — a martian mellow
How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? — eclipse it
What do you do when you have no rubber bands? — find a plastic orchestra
— — — — and some old favorites — — — — — –
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? — time to get a new fence.
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? — a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? — a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? — he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? — I’m in glove with you (heather’s favorite)
What’s brown and sticky? — a stick!
What’s red and not there? — no tomatoes
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? — a very cross penguin
How do billboards talk? — Sign language!
What kind of chain is edible? — A food chain!
What did the grass see say to the ball field? — I want to root for you.
How do you shoot a killer bee? — With a bee-bee gun.
Why did the bowling pins stop working? — Because they went on Strike.
Why do fish swim in schools? — Because they can’t walk in schools.
What is a buckaneer? — Expensive corn!
How do you get an alien baby to sleep? — You rocket!
What is a parasite? — Something you see in Paris.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? — To get to the other slide!
How do you get the water into watermelon? — Plant it in the spring!
Why was the boy covered in gift wrap? — His mom told him to “Live in the present!”
why was the belt arrested??????????
for holding up the pants
LOL these are great — some of my favs:
What do you call one cow spying on another cow?
-A steak out.
Why was the policeman in bed?
-He was undercover.
Why was six afraid of seven?
-Because seven eight(ate) nine!
There were two muffins in an oven and one muffin turned to the other and said, “MAN! IT”S HOT IN HERE” and the other muffin said, “AHHH! TALKING MUFFIN!”
LOLOLOLOL!! oh make my day.
What washes up on really small beaches?
– Microwaves.
:]
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
-Because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls! ah haha! BAGELS!!
“What is Green and Sings?
Elvis Parsely”
Be more specific… i’ve always heard “whats green and sings blue suede shoes?” with the same answer
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his Quarterback!!!
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogy in it! HAHA!
LOVE IT!
If two collars had a race how would it end??? In a tie! lol louv that one
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A GUMMY BEAR! =p
Why don’t ducks laugh?
– Because they’ll quack up
If you are an American in the kitchen, what nationality are you in the bathroom?
European
(Not a LT joke, but just as cheesy!)
HA!
Why did the cactus cross the road ?
because he was stuck to the chicken’s back.
bahahahaha. that’s flippin hilarious !
What do you call Lassie with a rose in her mouth?
A cauliflower.
what do a cow and a grape have in common?
they’re both purple…
except for the cow!!
:]] i love that one
omg paige.
i love that one!
its my favorite :p
Why did the mailman run from the tree?
Because he saw it’s bark.
nahahaha.
what do you get with a cat and a rock a catrock
What happens when you drop a duck egg? It quacks… so funny : D
Why are elephants big and grey??
-because if they were small and purple they’d be grapes!
hahaha =]
Why did the little mouse run away from home?
Because his father was a rat.
Why did the sun go to school?
It wanted to be brighter.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!
What do pigs put on their cuts?….Oinkment
HAHA:)
Why did the ghost sing off key?
He left his sheet music at home.
What’s the best way to brush your hare?
Hold him firmly by his long ears and brush gently.
I don’t know about that last one, but I transcribed it right off a Laffy Taffy wrapper.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
– “Here come the elephants over the hill.”
What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
– nothing, he didn’t recognize them.
Strait from LT wrappers
What is the best way to keep water from running?
Don’t pay the water bill.
How many vampires does it take to put in a light bulb?
None. Vampires like the dark.
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients.
Why did the sky blush?????
Cos the sea weed.
My quad group at work buys laffy taffy just so we can tell the jokes in the afternoon. One of our favorites is What did the casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin…Hilarious!
what is smarter than a parrot??
a spelling bee
Why did the man throw a cheerio off the roof?
Because he was a cereal killer
Here’s my favourite joke ever:
“What’s black and white and isn’t here anymore?”
“No more oreos.”
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!
These aren’t great, but they’re on the Laffy Taffy wrapper in front of me.
How far did the witch fly?
Ghost to ghost.
How does every baseball player get a hit?
He sings a song.
My friend and I are music people so this made us laugh when we read it from the back of a laffy taffy.
Why couldn’t Beethoven find his instructor?
Because he was Haydn.
Why didn’t the cat like the tree?
He was afraid of the bark!
What does a pig put on his cut?
Oinkment.
What did the hippo say to the elephant?
A: Lazerus
LOLOL
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? it felt like bakin’
Muahhahahaaa
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? it felt like bakin’
muahhahaha
Here’s another good one:
What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus?
A porky-pine!!!
Best joke EVER!!
On my wrapper from Sat. night:
What is the biggest pencil in the world?
Pennsylvania.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Best laffy taffy joke I’ve ever heard.
Why don’t lobsters share?
because they’re shellfish!
what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino??
—eliphino
What is colorful and has a horn???
…..a unicorn on top of a magic rainbow!!!!
What is green and big?
The world’s largest cucumber
What do you get when you cross a dragon fly and a head-less horse?
>>>>Head-less dragon horse fly
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roman Catholic
Why did the skeleton go to the movies alone?
Beacause he had noBODY to go with
These are def my fav haha!!
what do you call a sleep walking nun?
a roman catholic
why did the skeleton go to the movies alone?
because he had noBODY to go with
these are def my fav haha!!
which famous lady rode a camel and carried a lamp?
florence of arabia!
how can you tell if a vampire has a cold?
he starts coffin!
hahahahahahahah 8]
what is dracula’s favorite ice cream flavour?
vein-illa!
hahahahahahahahahaha
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
why don’t you tell a egg a joke? because it will crack up…
what is snake’s favorite subject?
hiss-tory…
why did Tommy throw the clock out the window?because he wanted to see time fly…
whats green and has 3 wheels??
grass…i was just kidding about the wheels part 😉
hahaha