Hey, here are the worst jokes in the world for you. Heather likes them, but there’s no accounting for taste. I’m putting on the good and the bad, so don’t complain to me about it. These jokes came from the Laffy Taffy Candy; we don’t vouch for their quality because we didn’t make them up.
What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? — you rock to the beat.
How do you mend a broken jack o’ lantern? — with a pumpkin patch.
what do you call a lease of false teeth? — a dental rental
Where did the kittens go on the class trip — to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? — a watchdog
What did the art dealer say when a man asked what a picture was supposed to be? — a reflection of you.
what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? — shore
What falls down but never gets hurt? — snow
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee’s hair? — a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? — you crack it up
Who greets you at a haunted house? — a host ghost
Why did the farmer bury all his money? — to make his soil rich
Where can you find an ocean without water? — on a map
What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? — a hobby horse
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
What do you call an avid gardener? — herb
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? — a poul-tree
What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? — a grape nobody picks on
What did the tree say to the mountain? — stop peaking at me!
What are sailors’ favorite fruits? — naval oranges
Where does a penguin keep his money? — in a snow bank
What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the Brits)? — Let’s dance and I’ll dip you.
Why do bees have sticky hair? — they use honeycombs
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? — he wanted to get the scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? — she broke her angle
What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? — a chipmonk
What kind of trees sew? — pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? — lunch is on me.
What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? — I’ve been framed!
Did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? — They gave the actors stage fright
How do you turn soup into gold? — add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? — Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? — Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? — ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? — howl do you do?
What does a car run on? — wheels
What did the sink say to the water faucet? — you’re a real drip
where do pigs park their cars? — in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema? — the film didn’t appeal to him.
Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? — because his mother was a wafer so long.
What do you call a hot dog in a bun? — an in betweenie weenie.
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? — He found a leek there.
How do you make a witch itch? — take away her W
What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? — tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*
What do you call a crab who plays baseball? — a pinch-hitter
What is the clumsiest bee? — a bumbling bee
What kind of bean can’t grow? — a jelly bean
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? — a martian mellow
How does a man on the moon get his hair cut? — eclipse it
What do you do when you have no rubber bands? — find a plastic orchestra
— — — — and some old favorites — — — — — –
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? — time to get a new fence.
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? — a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? — a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? — he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? — I’m in glove with you (heather’s favorite)
What’s brown and sticky? — a stick!
What’s red and not there? — no tomatoes
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? — a very cross penguin
How do billboards talk? — Sign language!
What kind of chain is edible? — A food chain!
What did the grass see say to the ball field? — I want to root for you.
How do you shoot a killer bee? — With a bee-bee gun.
Why did the bowling pins stop working? — Because they went on Strike.
Why do fish swim in schools? — Because they can’t walk in schools.
What is a buckaneer? — Expensive corn!
How do you get an alien baby to sleep? — You rocket!
What is a parasite? — Something you see in Paris.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? — To get to the other slide!
How do you get the water into watermelon? — Plant it in the spring!
Why was the boy covered in gift wrap? — His mom told him to “Live in the present!”
Throughly enjoyed …Office work was getting a bit tedious, wanted something to pep me up. Your page did the trick. Brought back memories 40 years back, when we used to impress the girls with these one liners…Cheers
Tushar
Do doctors make house calls? only when your house is really sick!
why was it so hot after the football game? because all of the fans left!!! (HA HA HA….by far the best one)
My personal favorite is the game and fans left as posted above…but the halloween one…
What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?
I cant say which is my favorite, but I LOVE the laffy taffy jokes. They are so clever, and cute, and they put me in a good mood.
What kind of candy is always late? a choco-late!!!
how do you keep a fish from smelling? put a clothes-pin on its nose!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!
Wuts green,black,white,black,green?
Two pickles fighting for an OREO! bahaha. man o man.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Cows say.
Cows say who?
No silly cows say moo!
haha gets me everytime! :]
Why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog?
because someone told him to get along little doggy
Why was Cinderella so bad at sports?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball
What did the mexican fire chief name his two sons?
Hose A and Hose B
What are caterpillars afraid of?
Dogerpillars
What is Green and Sings?
Elvis Parsely
mkaaay.
why did the chicken cross the road?
-to get to the other sideee!
why did the gummmm cross the road?
-because it was stuck to the chicken’s feet!!!
ahhh, hahahaha.
😀
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?..
– cause it was dead!…
why did the duck fall out of the tree?..
– cause it was stappled to the monkey
mwa ha ha ha
much love 😀
this was so great told these to my co- workers in a call center while we where working and it realy made the day go by we all loved it -sophia va beach va
what do eskimos get when they sit on ice too long?
POLARoids!! hahahah
i LOOVE that one:)
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday& Sunday, The rest are weak-days!
: ]
Why don’t ducks tell jokes while they are flying?
Because they would quack up.
what is underneath a roosters wing?
Answer: A Cockpit
If there was one, what would be the bounty
on a pirate?
Answer: about a buck an ear (buccaneer)
Q: What did one math book say the other?
A: I don’t know about you but I have a lot of problems!!!!!
Non-PG version: add me, subtract the lights, divide your legs and lets multiply!!!!!
why was the tomato blushing??
because it saw the salad dressing!!
that’s my favorite!!
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer…?
…One sells watches and the other watches cells.
I read that one in a Laffy Taffy probably 20 years ago, back when they were wrapped in squares with the jokes printed on the inside of the wrapper.
What did the cabbage preacher say to his church?
Lettuce pray!
Wow, some of these are great.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his Sleevies!
What’s is a dentist’s favorite instrument???
A tuba tooth paste 🙂
What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle?
You mean a great DILL to me!!
What does a pig write with?
An oink pen.
Why did the children all eat their homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Haha these are great! lol real knee slappers =D
So anways
What did one sandwich say to the other sandwich?? — your full of bologna!
Oh gee, i have too much fun with that one
What do yuh call Lassie with a rose in his mouth?
Collie flower. (cauliflower) 😛
What do you call a highway potrolman with a diaper on- A pooper trooper!
We have taken a vote in our office where we LIVE on Laffy Taffy.
The top two in the office are:
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky!
What do Christmas and a cat in the desert have in common?
Both have Sandy Claws!
By far the best two
very cute jokes but my fav…
How do you make a tissue dance?
you put a little boogie in it!!
why was the ocean arrested?
because he kept beating up on the beach…
my FAVORITE Laffy Taffy joke:
What kind of cheese isn’t your cheese?!
NACHO Cheese!!!!
HAHAHA after all these years, it still makes me laugh =]
I say that one all the time!
why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
cause if they had 4 they would be a chicken sedan
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
best joke in the whole WORLD
What do girls and sentences have in common?
They both have periods!!!
what do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear!!
Where did the Spaghetti go to dance? The meat ball!!!!
Well my girlfriend told me this one for like every day for a fortnight so I think I have the right to steal it 🙂
What did one cornflake say to another cornflake?
I’ll tell you next week it’s a cereal!
I know it’s one to groan at 🙂
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
He was scared of the bark!
My favorite one is:
When does it rain money? -when theres change in the weather!!! HHHHAAA!!!
Why do gorilla’s have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!!!
Hee Hee Hee!!!!
Whats the best way to brush your hare?
Hold him firmly by his long ears and brush gently.
Hilarious!
My son’s fav.
Why couldnt orange roll UP the hill
It ran out of JUICE
LOL
Why did the man take a hammer to bed?
He wanted to hit the sack.
Why do mother kangaroos hate the rain?
Because the kids have to play inside all day.
What do you call a pony with a cough……
A little hoarse!
hahahahahaha
dude these are awesome!! they make me smile :]]
These are cute! I luv laffy taffy!