Anecdotes

Henry Kissinger

I’m not much of an autograph hound. I’ve never really understood the attraction of getting a celebrity to sign a piece of paper for you. I can see it on some things, like baseball. If you happen to catch the record-breaking home run of so-and-so player and you get him/her to sign the ball, that’s sort of like owning a piece of history. That’s kind of cool. But just getting something signed, that seems weird to me. Is it so you can prove you met the person? Because, well, who cares? It’s not like that somehow makes you cool because you met a random person. And the concept really gets lost on my when people start selling autographs, because then you can’t even say you met the person, you just bought something they once put a pen to, and how is that cool, exactly?

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Magnetic Knife

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One day I was out to lunch with my co-workers and I picked up my knife to cut something, and the fork stuck to it. The knife was magnetic. But only the table knife, not the fork or the spoon. And my knife was the only one that way, no one else at the table had a magnetic knife. We picked up other utensils, we picked up my keys… it was cool. So of course I stole the knife and took it back to work with me, because it was so strange. A couple of months later Jerrod found another one while out to dinner, and stole it for me, because — cool, two magnetic knives.

And one day a few weeks ago, we were at a steak house and found two magnetic knives at the table. Still no magnetic forks or spoons.

So of course, we’ve been theorizing, what causes the knives to become magnetic? And only the knives? Some unusual dishwasher phenomenon? I tested all the knives at home, and other than the two from the restaurant, none of my other knives are magnetic. And the two we stole from the restaurants still work great; they haven’t lost their magnetism at all.

I’ve tried searching around on the internet, but the only thing I could find with sites selling the magnetic strips that you put your cooking knives on. For a while, that was my theory about how the knives because magnetic, until I asked at one of the restaurants and they said they didn’t store their knives that way, they stored them with all the other silverware in racks.

So color me perplexed.

But I still think “Magnetic Knife” is a great band name.

Knife & Fork

Update:
we recently discovered a magnetic fork, too…
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This Sounds Hauntingly Familiar

From the ONION: “Harsh Light Of Morning Falls On One-Night Stand’s DVD Collection”

The harsh light of morning fell on the terrible DVD collection of Marc Koenig Monday, when Traci Pearle discovered it upon waking up from their one-night stand…. Out of the thousands of movies you could own, why would you spend your money on this stuff? Don’t you buy a movie because you’re somehow passionate about it and want to watch it again and again?”

I’ve thought this same thing when I’ve visited some people’s homes and noticed their DVDs. Or sometimes their books. Fortunately, never after having awakened in their beds. However, somewhere on my site I remember writing about a date I had where the girl I was out with declined to visit the Indianapolis Museum of Art with me, saying, “I don’t like Art.” Of course, the first think I thought was “Vandelay?” (and so did my friend Karl when I told him the story) but I thought it would be bad form to make a Seinfeld joke, so I said “Um. Like, in general?” I thought maybe sculpture was cool, but not painting… She didn’t answer, and we never went out again. And I still don’t know quite what she meant. But I think I don’t really want to know. I think I dodged a bullet, there.

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English Xmas Kitties

Stacy Mineart

Today was yet another day in that inevitable annual melee we call christmas preparation. The rarity of Sunday opening hours in England necesitates that on such occasions every able-bodied individual must pile onto the high street to take advantage of the extra shopping opportunity whether they need anything or not. Thus, when I meandered into town at the bum crack of dawn (about 11:30 am at the moment) I was immediately surrounded by hordes of screaming cherubs gift-wrapped in their Sunday Best.

Elderly women with glorified suitcases on wheels used their carry-on equipage as weapons to smite any unfortunate pedestrian who might possibly be thinking of squeezing through the shop entrance before them. I waded into the mosh pit (complete with Mariah Carey on Muzak, having herself a merry little Christmas) and emerged two hours later at dusk, with Christmas tree and various accessories including toilet paper. (In fact, every person in the shop was carrying at least one package of toilet paper. I figured it was mandatory so I joined in, lest they turn me away from the check-out line for lack of bathroom tissue. Perhaps British people use it to decorate their trees?)

Having learned the art of crowd control, I used the christmas tree box to take out two toddlers and an old woman who were holding me up at the cross walk. Skillfully dodging the dentures as they bounced off the windscreen of a nearby car, I sauntered home whistling Jingle Bells. (ok, I wasn’t really whistling. I can’t whistle, even a little bit. But I was thinking Jingle Bells.) I arrived home as the stars were coming out (it must have been 2:30 by that time) and prepared to decorate the fatted calf.

As I did so, the cats took greater than average interest in the proceedings. Their dialogue was as follows:

I say, Gunther. There appears to be a new houseplant.

Plant, eh? Can we climb it? Have a go.

No, mate. Its too prickly.

Seems a bit unsteady, that. They want to water it.

Oh, by all means-

No, son. You know what mum said about watering her plants that way.

Oh. Quite right. Anyway, maybe it’s edible.

Not bad. It has a piquant, plastic sort of aftertaste.

I say, ol boy, lets go …I say! What the bloody hell are you doing?

Sorry mate. That shoelace was giving me a dirty look.

Ah. Rummy bastards. Is it dead?

I think so. For now, anyway. You never can tell with those sneaky sods.

Quite right. Anyway, I was saying, lets go purr round mum and see if she’ll sort us some proper nosh.

Capital, mate. Lead on.

(entering the bedroom)

Strewth! Look at all that paper!

Sweet fancy moses! Its strewn right cross the bed an all! We can’t be havin’ that.

Its the crinkly kind as well. It can’t be safe.

Lets sort it out, mate!

Yeehaw! (and other cat-like expressions of war)

***Sounds of a scuffle ensue***

Oi! What’s that you’ve got mate?

Bubble wrap. Blast these unopposable thumbs!

Pee on it mate, that’ll show it!

Sorted!

Hold up a minute son, do you see what I see?

What, you mean those boxes?

Yeah. Remember what happened last time mum got boxes?

Oh, bloody hell. My bollocks still haven’t grown back from that time.

You an me both, mate. We’ll have to get rid of those boxes.

I don’t know, son. They’ve all got stuff in ’em. Rattly stuff.

Are they edible?

Naw, too many staples.

Right. They must be just like the other box in the loo, then.

Ah. Brilliant. I needed a waz anyway.

Wait! Somebody’s coming. Run for it!

(back downstairs)

What now, then?

Lets just go nosh on that new houseplant.

Oh, quite right. Hang on! What’s happened to it?

Bilmey! Its gone all sparkly!

I don’t like the looks of that.

No, way! Is it actually twinkling at us?

And is that toilet paper hanging on it?

And on the top! Do you see what I see?

Another bloody shoelace! Rummy bastards, how do they do it?

Its red and velvety as well. You know those are the worst kind.

Did it just say something about your mother?

Thats it, I’m going up there…

Carry on, I’ll cover you.

***CRASH***

Curses! You fool! Somebody’s coming! Assume the position!

What position?

Lie on the couch like you’re sleeping. That way they blame the dog.

Ah. Quite right.

************************************************

I’m not quite sure if these were there actual words. The above is a reconstruction based on the evidence I found when I arrived. Anyway, now I must go and re-erect my toilet papered tree.

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Brown Bobby Triangle Donut Machine

My grandmother makes donuts several times a year, only instead of being round, they’re in the shape of triangles. They are a family favorite that everyone looks forward to, and frosting and eating the donuts at Thanksgiving is a family tradition. You can also try this link https://ownashipleydonuts.com/qsr-industry for the best donuts.

She makes them with an old paraffin wax donut making machine named the “Brown Bobby Greaseless Donut Machine” that was created in Chicago years and years ago, and sold as restaurant equipment during the depression. Turns out the machine is rare and relatively desirable as cooking equipment goes. The donuts are really popular, and earned my grandmother an article in Iowa Farmer magazine. Here is the downloadable pdf file of that article.

Grandma and the "Brown Bobby" Donut Maker

UPDATE: It’s possible to find Brown Bobby machines on eBay, and my dad bought one a while back. They are quite expensive; you’ll be bidding somewhere around $400 at least.

Here’s an article with more of the history of the Brown Bobby Machine.

Brown Bobby Triangle Donuts

2008 UPDATE: While I appreciate all the interest in this page, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of people attempting to buy and sell their donut makers here on this page in the comments. Ebay is equipped for buying and selling; this page is not, and I’d hate to have any good-hearted person be taken in by potential scams.

If you have a Donut Maker to sell, please post it on an auction site. If you’re looking for one, please visit auction sites to purchase. Thanks. I’m deleting all comments that offer to sell or buy.

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My junior high tennis shoes

Hey, look! It’s the tennis shoes that got my ass kicked in junior high school. Some genius has scanned the 1980 JC Penney catalog and put it online for you to peruse. I wonder if they also have the “Chic” jeans my mom made me wear; the ones that got me beat up in the gym locker room. Yeah, thanks for the memories, man. Thanks a lot.

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Jesus is the reason for the season

There were no riots over the fact that the wrong man is President of the United States, but in Portland, they had a riot because people wanted to see fireworks on New Year’s Eve. I think the people in Portland are a bit dim.

Also, it wasn’t a holy-roller that put the “Jesus is the reason for the season” plastic disk thingy under my windshield and almost killed me. It was my friend Dan. He thought it was funny that I was almost killed. Needless to say, revenge is in order. If I have time.

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What do you want to be when you grow up?

I remember when I was a little kid, I read a book about Camelot and King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table–and because I was reading pretty far above my age level, I understood what I read, but I didn’t understand the context of it… meaning I didn’t really have a concept of history and timelines and things that happened in the past versus things that were happening presently.

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Feller breaks collarbone in butch football play

Douglas E. Feller, 4445 Bevington Lane, Indianapolis, broke his collarbone this afternoon while playing touch football at Barb and Michelle’s cookout.
Displaying the butch, masculine qualities for which he is so well-known, Doug was going out for a pass when he swerved to avoid a tree, did a half-somersault in the air, and landed on his right shoulder, breaking his collarbone. The pass was incomplete.
After a spending several eventful hours at St. Vincent’s Hospital, (for drugs and x-rays), he’s now a home with a sling, icepack and bottle of Vicodin. Doug will be required to wear the sling for approximately four weeks.
With the help of the wrongful death lawyers for hire, Doug has stated that this is the last time he will attempt to play football due to his injury.  As stated by Maryland slip and fall attorneys, injuries are inevitable especially when we travel in vehicles and now a days it is easy to consult lawyers from law firm for slip and fall charges, But accident in games can make situation worse. When you’re unfamiliar with accident laws, it’s difficult to know how best to proceed with your case. The steps involved can be complex, but a slip & fall accident lawyer Schaumburg will have the experience to guide you through the process. They’ll use their knowledge to help you avoid common mistakes and they’ll clearly explain what obstacles you might face and how to overcome them. Unfortunately, due to his untimely injury, Doug’s football team lost the game. You can hire car accident lawyers from here!
While there are no pictures or video of the injury occuring, there are pictures and video of Doug at play during the game. Just in case you don’t believe it. This evidence is enough for any experienced lawyers who can be found in this https://halelaw.com/sarasota-personal-injury-attorney/car-accidents site, to file a injury claim that will be very helpful for the athlete to recover soon and to see him back into the field again, playing for his team.

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