Jokes

FABULAIR … Blueprint For The First Gay Airline

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

Welcome Aboard

The Fabulair experience begins when you call our reservations number, 900-FLY-FABU. We know you can make reservations on other airlines for free. But our 900 number is only 28c/minute (50% of all proceeds go to the Human Rights Campaign), and our reservationists are very good on the phone.

Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Deisel leather ticket folio. Your seat assignment (only aisle or window, no middle) is pre-reserved and your inflight menu is included because we know how long it takes some of you to make up your minds, especially with a menu as fabulous as ours. When you arrive at the airport, you’ll recognize our terminal immediately. Richard Sabala did the lights. Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler did the departure lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned sculpture of Amelia Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions." Our sky caps, muscles bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will check your luggage. We allow five pieces, not two, and no extra charge for golf clubs, ladies.

You Know You’ve Arrived

Stroll through our luxurious terminal to your gate. We only use walk-through metal detectors on request; a physical body search is preferred by most of our passengers. (Body cavity searches are, unfortunately, limited to international flights.) Follow the red velvet roping up to the plane door. The gate agent will take your ticket and give you your wristband boarding pass. Keep it on – it’s color-coded to indicate whether you’re aggressively single, possibly available, or married.

On board we have no flight attendants. Just stewardesses. Even the guys. They’re young, tall, thin, gorgeous, dressed by Chanel and trained by RuPaul – they’re gonna work! Butch has no place in our aisles. If butch is what you’re after, lust after our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and Falcon Studios, they just can’t seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit crew? All gay men and lesbians discharged from the military.

If There’s Anything We Can Do…

Fabulair is bringing style back to air travel. Settle into your seat. What do you notice? It’s comfortable. And it matches your outfit. Overhead, you’ll find reading lights plus tanning lights. The black leather seats smell as good as they feel. You can’t wait to fasten your seatbelt low and tight against your waist. Aaah. You’re ready for takeoff. You’ll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on Fabulair. We only show movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or Jody Foster. Or movies about women in love. With each other. Care for a magazine? Vanity Fair… Out…. Curve… Genre?… Sorry, we gave out our last copy of HX, but our chief purser would be happy to show you around New York personally.

The Airphone at every seat has speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Elizabeth Birch, Tzabaco, International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop activist and shopaholic. Perhaps you’d like to listen to our specially selected audio entertainment. Channel 1: kd lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys. Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior’s "Dancing on Air" party mix (a Fabulair exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge. Channel 6: Nothing but show tunes.

Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don’t be sad. You’ve earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good towards your next trip on Fabulair. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black Party, White Party, Gay Pride, Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them over any of the other holidays. Bonus miles? Sure. Stay at a gay B&B. Get a Rainbow Card. Use Community Spirit Long Distance. Take an Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out & About. Triple Miles? Just date one of our employees.

Too Fabulous

Our in-flight service is not coach, business or first. It’s so fabulous, we named it Fabulous Class. It may seem like first class on other airlines, but we never use those words, because nothing we do is second class.

We recognize however, that many of our passengers are too special and important, even for Fabulous Class. For those who require the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive cabin that we call Too Fabulous Class. Too Fabulous passengers don’t need tickets. We know who you are. Our already generous luggage limit is waived for you.

At boarding time, come right to the front of the red roping. Even though we have short lines, we kept the roping because we know you like it. On board, you’ll notice the little touches that make a difference. A full harness replaces the standard seatbelt. A stewardess for every passenger. Marble bathrooms big enough for two. Live entertainment and a personal video screen with personal video choices. We couldn’t improve our service, so we just added more.

Massage. Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis (LA flights only). And group psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge. We think you’ll agree, it’s a fabulous world on Fabulair, the world’s first all-gay airline.

Continue ReadingFABULAIR … Blueprint For The First Gay Airline

Bush Inaugural Theme Song

Author unknown

(to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke) What they are humming in the Governor’s mansion. Okay shrubs, all together now…

Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much foreign policy
Don’t remember how I got through school
I’m sure I didn’t break the rules
But what’s it matter ’cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"

Don’t know much about the women’s vote
Don’t know much about the bill I wrote
Don’t know much about the foreign vets
I’ve never voted for ’em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be

Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what’s wrong with C’s?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me

Don’t know much about air pollution
Don’t know much about the constitution
Don’t know much about th’economy
It never much affected me

But there’s one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be

Don’t know much about the national debt
I’ve never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be.

Continue ReadingBush Inaugural Theme Song

One of the Benefits of the Y2K Bug

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Jokes

Author Unknown

January 1, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

Continue ReadingOne of the Benefits of the Y2K Bug

The End of the Raven (by Edgar Allen Poe’s Cat)

  • Post author:
  • Post category:JokesPoems

Henry Beard
From The Book: Poetry for Cats
A Parody of “The Raven” from Edgar Allan Poe

On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven’s very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o’er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"

Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and weird decor –
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents’ worth –
"Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore –
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it’s time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I’ve wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty" – then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped – and smashed it on the floor.

Continue ReadingThe End of the Raven (by Edgar Allen Poe’s Cat)

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

  • Post author:
  • Post category:JokesPoems

Author Unknown
A Parody of “The Raven” from Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited
for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond’ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some manical intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I’d never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there’s C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?

Continue ReadingAbort, Retry, Ignore?

Deteriorata

  • Post author:
  • Post category:JokesPoems

From the CD: National Lampoon Radio Dinner Album
A Parody of the poem Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.

Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.

Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.

You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.

Continue ReadingDeteriorata

The Third Debate

Author Unknown

For those who did not watch the presidential debate, here was what was said:

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker’s time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let’s start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can’t hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.

Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors is on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let’s turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn’t get it done. If I’m elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we’re going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I’ve always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I’m entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore: It’s a vital issue, Jim. That’s why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: That’s fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I’m going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer: It’s time for closing statements.

Gore: I’m my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush: It’s time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer: Good night.

Continue ReadingThe Third Debate

The American Response to England’s Revocation of Of Independence

Author Unknown

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we’re amused by your quaint belief that you’re actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

Continue ReadingThe American Response to England’s Revocation of Of Independence

England’s Notice Of Revocation Of Independence

by Alan Baxter, Peter Rieden and others

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

Continue ReadingEngland’s Notice Of Revocation Of Independence

Fun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.

When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."

Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

Fill your car with beer bottles.

The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

Swear at everybody on the road.

When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

Beep your horn at everything.

Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test