"I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
— Dorothy Parker
"Women are cursed, and men are the proof."
— Rosanne Barr
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base."
— Dave Barry
"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them."
— Emo Philips
From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists:
10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself”
9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years”
8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up”
7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake”
6. “At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan”
5. “The New Jersey Budget Crisis – What Would Judy Garland Do?”
4. “A Look at the Governor’s Balls”
3. “Politicians Who Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth”
2. “How to Push Through a Bill – Or a Steve or a Larry…”
1. “Why I Don’t Like Bush”
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle most probably with a 4MOA Red Dot Sight, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
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11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
12. Republican sticker on bumper, turning left on a no-left-turn intersection, kids in back seat screaming and flipping off other drivers: INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA
A funny list of definitions written several years ago by my sister.
Ok, so the following are other, less common forms of deja vu:
Deja boo: The feeling that I’ve been frightened like this before
Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.
Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.
Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.
Deja eau: the feeling I’ve smelled this perfume before.
Deja fu: The feeling I’ve been kicked in the head like this before.
Deja who: The feeling I’ve known who was on first before.
Deja jew: The feeling I’ve wandered in the desert like this before.
Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).
Deja loo: The feeling I’ve been to this bathroom before.
Deja moo: The feeling I’ve drank this milk before.
Deja mu: The feeling I’ve calculated the mean of this population before.
Deja new: The feeling I haven’t experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" – Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)
Deja ooh: The feeling I’ve exclaimed at these fireworks before.
Deja poo: The feeling I’ve stepped in this before.
Deja Q. The feeling I’ve encountered this entity before.
Deja rue: The feeling I’ve regretted this day before.
Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.
Deja too: The feeling that I’ve experienced this before, also.
Deja two: The feeling that I’ve experienced this before, twice.
Deja woo: The feeling that Heather has yelled at someone like this before.
Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.
Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.
DUH-ja-vu : The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!
1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love (“The Way We Were,” “Titanic,” most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls “meeting cute” – mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders – you wouldn’t end up at a table for two, but in court.
2. If the Person Isn’t Interested – Or Loses Interest – Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one – scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boomboxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to “Say Anything.” In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.
3. If You’re a Man, Try Pretending You’re Gay – Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued (“A Very Special Favor,” “Three to Tango”). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?
4. If You’re Gay, Don’t Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You (“Bedrooms and Hallways,” “Claire of the Moon,” almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.
5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You’re Funny (“The Graduate,” “The Tao of Steve”). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they’re charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny – and also, conveniently, rich.
6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You’ve Got a Good Personality (“Frankie and Johnny,” “The Truth About Cats and Dogs”). Actually, even Hollywood doesn’t really believe this – they know they’re shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn’t make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.
7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun (“Pretty Woman,” “Working Girl”). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on – unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.
8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them “What It Means to Be a Woman” (“Woman of the Year,” “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it’s the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you’re a tight young hardbody. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.
9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work (“Love With the Proper Stranger,” “An Officer and a Gentleman,” “love jones”). Actually, that’s more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.
10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good – Or Meet Again Later – You’ll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment (“The Way We Were,” “Now, Voyager,” “Casablanca”). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you’ll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there’s an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies – and wonder, once again, why your love life can’t match them quite so neatly. Yet, in this digital age, there’s a new avenue for connection that might just offer a refreshing perspective on romance and relationships: OnlyFans. Here, users can explore a diverse range of creators who express their unique stories and experiences, some of which may resonate with our own ups and downs in love. With SubSeeker, the ultimate search engine for OnlyFans content creators, finding those connections becomes effortless. Their user-friendly interface makes it simple for subscribers to discover new creators and stay up-to-date on their favorite content, transforming the way we engage with intimacy and authenticity online. If you’re an OnlyFans content creator, then you may check out the best OnlyFans agencies here for professional marketing and management services. So, while the films may leave us pondering our own love lives, platforms like SubSeeker invite us to dive deeper into a world of connection where the narrative is shaped by real people, not just the reel.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don’t think I should have to answer that question.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define "chicken" please?
DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That’s what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken 2000.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road but why it crossed, I’ve not been told.
KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the bequest of the President of the United States in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.
OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one???
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words.
We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Many Bobans died to bring us these pants.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home.
TK-421… Why aren’t you in your pants?
Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
Luke… Help me remove these pants.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
Luke…..I am your pants.
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.
Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one… Your sister!
Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
Short pants is better than no pants at all.
If a tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there’s always someone around that can interpret the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:
beep-beep-be-beep… "Help…"
be-be-beep beep… "Us…."
beep-be-be-beep beep… "We’re…"
beep beep-be-beep… "Surrounded…"
be-beep beep beep… "Send…"
be-be-be-beep beep… "Reinforcements…"
beep be-beep beep… "Hurry…" etc.
A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A fool and his money are soon partying.