HFM – Page 634 – commonplacebook.com

IF

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 28, 1997
Post category:Poems

Rudyard Kipling
From the Book: Rudyard Kipling: Everyman’s Poetry Library

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting;
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating;
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

In Excelsis

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 28, 1997
Post category:Poems

Amy Lowell
From the Book: Complete Poetical Works of Amy Lowell

You — you —
Your shadow is sunlight on a plate of silver;
Your footsteps, the seeding-place of lilies;
Your hands moving, a chime of bells across a windless air.

The movement of your hands is the long, golden running of light from a rising sun;
It is the hopping of birds upon a garden-path.

As the perfume of jonquils, you come forth in the morning.
Young horses are not more sudden than your thoughts,
Your words are bees about a pear-tree,
Your fancies are the gold-and-black striped wasps buzzing among red apples.
I drink your lips,
I eat the whiteness of your hands and feet.
My mouth is open,
As a new jar I am empty and open.
Like white water are you who fill the cup of my mouth,
Like a brook of water thronged with lilies.

You are frozen as the clouds,
You are far and sweet as the high clouds.
I dare to reach to you,
I dare to touch the rim of your brightness.
I leap beyond the winds,
I cry and shout,
For my throat is keen as is a sword
Sharpened on a hone of ivory.
My throat sings the joy of my eyes,
The rushing gladness of my love.

How has the rainbow fallen upon my heart?
How have I snared the seas to lie in my fingers
And caught the sky to be a cover for my head? How have you come to dwell with me,
Compassing me with the four circles of your mystic lightness,
So that I say "Glory! Glory!" and bow before you
As to a shrine?

Do I tease myself that morning is morning and a day after?
Do I think the air is a condescension,
The earth a politeness,
Heaven a boon deserving thanks?
So you — air — earth — heaven —
I do not thank you,
I take you,
I live.
And those things which I say in consequence
Are rubies mortised in a gate of stone.

Does Santa Exist? A Scientific Inquiry

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 25, 1997
Post category:Funny Lists Holidays Jokes

Author Unknown

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal, SPY magazine (January, 1997) — I am pleased to present a scientific inquiry into the existence of Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to:

park,
hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
eat whatever snacks have been left,
get back up the chimney,
get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.09 times greater than gravity.

A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Twas the Dieter’s Christmas

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 25, 1997
Post category:Holidays

christmas cookies

author unknown

T’was the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there

While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
On Prancer, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I’ll starve…’til I take that first bite!

Goodbye Earl

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1997
Post category:Music

Chicks, From the CD: Fly

Mary Ann and Wanda were the best of friends
all through their high school days
both members ofthe 4-H Club, both active in the FFA.
After graduation Mary Ann went out,
looking for a bright new world.
Wanda looked all around this town
and all she found was Earl.

Well, it wasn’t two weeks after she got married
that Wanda started gettin’ abused.
She put on dark glasses, and long-sleeved blouses
and make-up to cover the bruises.
She finally got the nerve to file for divorce;
she let the law take it from there.
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
and put her in intensive care.

Right away Mary Ann flew in from Atlanta
on a red-eye midnight flight.
She held Wanda’s hand, and they worked out a plan,
and it didn’t take them long to decide that
Earl had to Die.

Goodbye, Earl.
Those black-eyed peas, they tasted alright to me, Earl.
You feelin’ weak? Why don’t you laid down and sleep, Earl.
Ain’t it dark, wrapped up in that tarp, Earl?

Well, the cops came by to bring Earl in;
They searched the house high and low.
Then they tipped their hats and said
"Thank you, ladies, if you hear from him let us know."
Well the weeks went by, and spring turned to summer
and summer faded into fall.
And it turns out he was a missing person
Who nobody missed at all.

The girls bought some land and a road-side stand
down on highway 109.
They sell Tennessee ham and strawberry jam
and they don’t lose any sleep at night,
’cause Earl had to die.

Goodbye, Earl.
We need a break; let’s go out to the lake, Earl.
We’ll pack a lunch, and stuff you in the trunk, Earl.
Well, is that alright? Good, let’s go for a ride, Earl.

Tangled Up in Blue

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1997
Post category:Music

Bob Dylan
CD: Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits, Vol. 3

Early one morning the sun was shining; I was laying in bed
Wondering if she’d changed at all, if her hair was still red
Her folks, they said our lives together sure was gonna be rough
They never did like Mama’s homemade dress, Papa’s bankbook wasn’t big enough
Me, I’m standing on the side of the road, rain falling on my shoes
I’m heading out to the old east coast, lord knows I’ve paid some dues

Getting through; tangled up in blue

She was married when we first met, soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam, I guess, but I used a little too much force
We drove that car as far as we could, abandoned it out west
Split up on a sad dark night, both agreeing it was best

She turned around to look at me as I was walking away
And I heard her say over my shoulder, we’ll meet again some day
On the avenue, tangled up in blue

I was living in the great North Woods, working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much, and one day the axe just fell
So I drifted down to New Orleans, where I happened to be employed
Yeah I was working for a while on a fishing boat, right outside of Delacroix

And all the while I was alone, the past was close behind
I’ve seen a lot of women, but she never escaped my mind
And I just grew tangled up in blue

She was working at a topless bar, and I stopped in for a beer
I just kept looking at the side of her face in the spotlight so clear
Now, later on the crowd thinned out, and I was just about to do the same
She’s standing there in that back of my chair, she said, don’t I know your name?

Well I muttered something underneath my breath, she studied the lines on my face
I must admit I felt a little uneasy when she bent down to tie the laces
Of my shoes; we were tangled up in blue. I know, I know, I know….

She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
I thought you’d never say hello, she said, you look like the silent type
And then she opened up a book of poems and handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet from the thirteenth century

Every one of those words rang true and glowed like burning coal
Pouring off of every page like it was written in my soul
From me to you; tangled up in blue

I lived with them on Montague Street
In a basement down the stairs, yeah
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air

That’s when he started into dealing with slaves
And something inside of her died, just died
She had to sell everything she owned
And she froze up inside

And finally, when the bottom feel out, I became withdrawn
The only thing I knew how to do was to keep on keeping on
Like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue

Now I’m heading back again, I got to get to her somehow
And all the people that I used to know, they’re an illusion to me now
Some are mathematicians, some are carpenters’ wives
I don’t know how it all got started, I dunno what they’re doing with their lives

But me, I’m still on the road, headed for another joint
We always did feel the same, we just saw it from a different point
Of view, tangled up in blue. I know, I know, I know….

Jesus Was Way Cool

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1997
Post category:Music

King Missile

< King Missile – Jesus Was Way Cool[/caption]/p>

Jesus was way cool
Everybody liked Jesus
Everybody wanted to hang out with him
Anything he wanted to do, he did
He turned water into wine
And if he wanted to
He could have turned wheat into marijuana
Or sugar into cocaine
Or vitamin pills into amphetamines

He walked on the water
And swam on the land
He would tell these stories
And people would listen
He was really cool

If you were blind or lame
You just went to Jesus
And he would put his hands on you
And you would be healed
That’s so cool

He could’ve played guitar better than Hendrix
He could’ve told the future
He could’ve baked the most delicious cake in the world
He could’ve scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky
He could’ve danced better than Barishnikov
Jesus could have been funnier than any comedian you can think of
Jesus was way cool

He told people to eat his body and drink his blood
That’s so cool
Jesus was so cool
But then some people got jealous of how cool he was
So they killed him
But then he rose from the dead
He rose from the dead, danced around
Then went up to heaven
I mean, that’s so cool
Jesus was way cool

No wonder there are so many Christians

Because The Night

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1997
Post category:Music

Bruce Springsteen/Patti Smith
CD: Easter

Patti Smith - Because The Smith — Patti Smith – Because The Smith

Take me now, baby, here as I am
Hold me close, try and understand
Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed

Come on now, try and understand
The way I feel under your command
Take my hand, come under cover
They can’t hurt you now

Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us

Have I doubt, baby, when I’m alone
Love is a ring on the telephone
Love is an angel, disguised as lust
Here in our bed ’til the morning comes

Come on now, try and understand
The way I feel under your command
Take my hand, come under cover
They can’t hurt you now

Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us

With love we sleep, with doubt the vicious circle turns, and burns
Without you, I cannot live, forgive the yearning burning
I believe in love too real to feel, take me now, take me now, take me now

Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1997
Post category:Music My Playlists

Pete Seeger
CD: If I Had a Hammer: Songs of Hope & Struggle
Words adapted from The Bible, Book of Ecclesiastes

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time for every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time for every purpose, under Heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time for every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time for every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late

Plastic Jesus

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1997
Post category:Music

Ernie Marrs

Plastic Jesus is on:

Plastic Jesus - Cool Hand Luke CD — Plastic Jesus – Cool Hand Luke CD

Dedicated to the Ones We Love by The Blackeyed Susans — Dedicated to the Ones We Love
by The Blackeyed Susans

Flaming Lips - Transmissions From The Satellite Heart — Flaming Lips – Transmissions From The Satellite Heart

I don’t care if it rains of freezes
‘Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car.

Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my Plastic Jesus I’ll go far.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car

I’m afraid He’ll have to go.
His magnets ruin my radio
And if I have a wreck He’ll leave a scar.
Riding down a thoroughfare
With His nose up in the air,
A wreck may be ahead, but He don’t mind.

Trouble coming He don’t see,
He just keeps His eye on me
And any other thing that lies behind.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car …

Though the sunshine on His back
Make Him peel, chip and crack,
A little patching keeps Him up to par.
When I’m in a traffic jam
He don’t care if I say "damn"
I can let all my curses roll

Plastic Jesus doesn’t hear
‘Cause he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car …

Once His robe was snowy white,
Now it isn’t quite so bright –
Stained by the smoke of my cigar.
If I weave around at night,
And policemen think I’m tight,
They never find my bottle – though they ask.

Plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see
He’s hollow, and I use Him for a flask.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,

Riding on the dashboard of my car …
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb –
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.

[Plastic Jesus has become quite entrenched in the folk tradition, so there are considerably more folk verses than there were original ones. Following are folk additions and emendations, as well as additions from recording artists who have covered this song.]

Well, I don’t care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

I could go a hundred miles an hour
Long as I got the Almighty Power
Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice
{Refrain – repeat between every verse}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I’ll go far.
I don’t care if it rains or freezes
As long as I’ve got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,

You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He’s Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you’re travelling far

I don’t care if it’s dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin’ on the dashboard of my car

I feel I’m protected amply
I’ve got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell

Goin’ ninety, I’m not wary
‘Cause I’ve got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won’t go to Hell

I don’t care what they say, I’m gonna
Keep on prayin’ to that pink madonna
Melted to the dashboard of my car.

I don’t care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car

Don’t I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car

No, I don’t care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

But I think he’ll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he’ll leave a scar

Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don’t mind

Trouble coming, he don’t see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind
{as refrain}

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par

When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who’s boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning

I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it’s seldom that they live to see the morning
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they’ll scatter or they’ll splatter near and far

When I’m in a traffic jam
He don’t care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn’t hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn’t quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar

God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car

Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan

Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van

His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van

You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He’s Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you’re travelling far.

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell.
Goin’ ninety, I’m not wary’
Cause I’ve got my Virgin Mary,
Guaranteeing I won’t go to Hell.

Rain and Snow are not an issue
long as I got my plastic Vishnu
Sittin on the dashboard of my car

When I’m goin’ fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin’ on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home

The women know I’m on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin’ on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin’ from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van

I don’t care if I’m broke or starvin’
As long as I’ve got a fish named Darwin
Glued to the trunklid of my car

God, I’m feeling so evolved
Drivin’ with my problems solved
Proclaiming what I think of what we are

Riding home one foggy night,
With my honey cuddled tight,
I missed a curve and off the road we veered.

My windshield got smashed-up good,
And my darling graced the hood.
Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared.
{As refrain}
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
No longer chides me with His holy grin.

Doctors in the X-ray room
Found Him in my darling’s womb.
Someday, He’ll be born again!

I don’t care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

He’s the dude with the rusty nails,
Walks on water, don’t need no sails
Riding on the dashboard of me car

I don’t care if the night is scary
As long as I got the Virgin Mary
Sittin’ on the dashboard of my car.

She don’t slip and she don’t slide
Cuz her ass is magnetized
Sittin’ on the dashboard of my car.