Yearly Archives: 2005

Memesville

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  • Post category:MemesMusic

I haven’t been able to post lately, because I have been sicker than a dog. I’m still sick, but I’m at work anyway, because I have to get some stuff done. Anyway, courtesy of Lisa at Another Pink World, here’s a meme for you.

1. Total amount of music files on your computer?
0 files on computer. Files at home on my music server: 22,330 songs. 62.1 days, 97.53 GB.

2. The last CD you bought was…
on iTunes: Nina Simone: Anthology. On CD: Loretta Lynn, Van Lear Rose.

3. What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?
The Secret Machines /Pharoah’s Daughter

4. Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
1) I’d Like That/XTC
2) Good Things/Bodeans
3) Subterranean Homesick Blues/Bob Dylan
4) Bus Stop/The Hollies
5) Dream A Little Dream of Me/Mama Cass

5. What 3 people are you going to pass this baton to and why?
Eh, anyone who happens to read this and wants to answer. My friends don’t all have blogs.

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My Top 10 Favorite Love Songs

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  • Post category:Music

Oh My HeartI realize I’m going to get torn to shreds by my fellow Indyscribers for the utter cheesy sappiness of this post, but I don’t care. It’s Valentine’s Day, I’m in love, and someone actually loves me back. The confluence of those three conditions is rare, so I choose to wallow in the spectacular sickening sweetness of it all, because, hey this never happens to me. Here are my top 10 favorite love songs.

10. Crimson and Clover – Joan Jett
Because that guitar rocks.

9. Set the Prairie On Fire – Shawn Colvin
A lush, scorching song about the intoxication of sex that never once mentions the word.

8. It’s Only A Paper Moon – Ella Fitzgerald with The Delta Rhythm Boys
A depression-era song about how the transforming power of love can make even the poorest folks rich.

7. Wonderful! Wonderful! – Johnny Mathis
The “heavenly choir” background chorus is so over the top that I couldn’t possibly leave it off my list.

6. On the Street Where You Live – Andy Williams
One of those songs you want to sing on a public street, when you feel like shouting how you feel to the entire planet, possibly while dancing around lightposts in the rain and making an complete spectacle of yourself.

5. Good Things – Bodeans
The lyrics may sound like the singer is pleading his case, but the delivery makes it clear he knows that they’ll be together.

4. Bus Stop – The Hollies
An unconventional, trippy sixties love tune that celebrates the spontaneity and unexpectedness of love.

3. A Kiss to Build a Dream On – Louis Armstrong
That low rumbling voice is classic.

2. Dream a Little Dream of Me – Mama Cass
“And now to sing this lovely ballad, here is Mama Cass.” A simple, quiet, haunting song that needs nothing extra to express the power of love.

1. Head Over Heels – The Go-Gos
Because it was featured in the sweet movie “13 Going on 30” where we went on our second first date. It’s light, fun and probably describes our relationship better than any other.

Continue ReadingMy Top 10 Favorite Love Songs

The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms

Artery – The study of paintings.

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.

Barium – What doctors do when patients die.

Benign – What you be after you be eight.

Cesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan – Searching for kitty.

Cauterize – Made eye contact with her.

Colic – A sheep dog.

Coma – A punctuation mark.

D & C – Where Washington is.

Dilate – To live long.

Enema – Not a friend.

Fester – Quicker than someone else.

Fibula – A small lie.

Genital – Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series – World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail – What you hang your coat on.

Impotent – Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid – A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates.

Node – I knew it.

Outpatient – A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear – A fatherhood test.

Pelvis – .Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative – A letter carrier.

Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery.

Rectum – Damn near killed him.

Secretion – Hiding something.

Seizure – Roman emperor.

Tablet – A small table.

Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor – More than one.

Urine – Opposite of you’re out.

Varicose – Near by/close by.

Continue ReadingThe Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms

How to Sing the Blues

A Primer For Beginners

Author Unknown

1. Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman – with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs ’bout 500 pounds."

4. The blues are not about limitless choices.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe e. peach

9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway b. the jail house c. an empty bed

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. K mart b. Gallery openings c. weekends in the Hamptons

12. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

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The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

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  • Post category:Funny Lists

Author Unknown

20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear "You’ve Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don’t Use Computers…

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

Continue ReadingThe Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers

Computer One-Liners

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  • Post category:One-Liners

Author Unknown

Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend it didn’t happen?

Any given program will expand to fit available memory plus 1K

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something

Calm down — it’s only ones and zeroes

Computers are like the Old Testament God — lots of rules and no mercy

Computers eat time — We only THINK they run on electricity

Et verbum custodiat tibi vobiscum sicut erat in Principio! (May your data be restored to its original pristine condition)

Give generously – Help support the victims of computer error

Hardware: the part of the computer that can be kicked. If you can only curse at it, it’s software.

Has any of this time-saving technology ever let you go home one minute early?

Hit any key. With what?

Implementation is the fruitless struggle by the talented and underpaid to fulfill promises made by the rich and ignorant.

I’ve got a life but it won’t run on my operating system.

I keep hitting the escape key but I’m still here.

If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Insert disk 5 of 4 to continue

Press any key. NO! NO! Not that one!

System Implementation. 94% sweat, 6% fear

Tech Support is just a busy signal away

The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from.

There are now five canonical forms of the lie: commission, omission, statistics, graphs, and the Internet

THIS WILL END YOUR WINDOWS SESSION – I live for those six words

To continue, strike keyboard with forehead

Unlike the 50 million copies we’ve already sold you, this version actually works!

When all else failed, let a = 7. If that doesn’t work, read the manual.

Where’s the CNTRL-ALT-MAKE SENSE button?

You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all conflicting

You know better then to trust a strange computer.

Continue ReadingComputer One-Liners

How Does a Chicken Cross the Road?

Author Unknown

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken:
It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road …

C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken:
Can’t cluck, can’t fly, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road
in your pocket !

Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken:
Don’t you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there’s no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it’s finished, assuming he’s re-elected and the Republicans don’t gut the program.

COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

Continue ReadingHow Does a Chicken Cross the Road?

Review: The Settlers of Catan

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  • Post category:Art

At first glance, you wouldn’t expect The Settlers of Catan game to be as addictive as everyone who’s played it claims that it is. For one thing, there are two thick, daunting rule books (“Game Rules” and “Almanac”) and the playing pieces themselves are fairly non-descript wooden block-like house structures and “little rectangles” that turn out to be roads. If you’re looking for a traditional board for this “board” game, you’ll be confused, because it’s made up of numerous hexagonal tiles that you lay out in a beehive pattern to play on.

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