New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

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SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon–we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay – $1222.02
Income Tax – 244.40
Outgo Tax – 45.21
State Tax – 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax – 6.11
Rural Tax – 4.44
Back Tax – 1.11
Front Tax – 1.16
Side Tax – 1.61
Down Tax – 1.11
Tic-Tacs – 1.98
Thumbtacks – 3.93
Carpet Tacks – 0.98
Stadium Tax – 0.69
Flat Tax – 8.32
Surtax – 3.46
Ma’am Tax – 2.60
Parking Fee – 5.00
F.I.C.A. – 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund – 9.95
Life Ins. – 5.85
Health Ins. – 16.23
Disability – 2.50
Ability – 0.25
Liability Ins. – 3.41
Unreliability Ins. – 10.99
Dental Ins. – 4.50
Mental Ins. – 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee – 6.85
Coffee Cups – 66.51
Floor Rental – 16.85
Chair Rental – .32
Desk Rental – 4.32
Union Dues – 5.85
Union Don’ts – 3.77
Cash Advances – 0.69
Cash Retreats – 121.35
Overtime – 1.26
Undertime – 54.83
Eastern Time – 9.00
Central Time – 8.00
Mountain Time – 7.00
Pacific Time – 6.00
Time Out – 12.21
Oxygen – 10.02
Water – 16.54
Heat – 51.42
Cool Air – 46.83
Misc. – 133.39

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. If people need to hire disability lawyer, they can get from here!   All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Continue ReadingNew Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

New List of Appropriate Language For Work

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It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. It can become as serious as suing a superior for harassment.

The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase: No fucking way!
New Phrase: New Phrase: I’m not certain that’s possible.

Old Phrase: You’ve got to be shitting me.
New Phrase: Really?

Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with…

Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a fuck.
New Phrase: Of course I’m concerned.

Old Phrase: It’s not my fucking problem.
New Phrase: I wasn’t involved in the project.

Old Phrase: What the fuck…?
New Phrase: Interesting behavior.

Old Phrase: Fuck it. It won’t work.
New Phrase: I’m not sure I can implement this.

Old Phrase: Why the fuck didn’t they tell me this sooner?
New Phrase: I’ll try to schedule that.

Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.

Old Phrase: Who the fuck cares?
New Phrase: Are you sure it’s a problem?

Old Phrase: Eat shit.
New Phrase: You don’t say.

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
New Phrase: Excuse me?

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?

Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
New Phrase: They weren’t happy with it.

Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
New Phrase: So you’d like my help with it.

Old Phrase: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
New Phrase: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
New Phrase: I don’t think you understand.

Old Phrase: This job sucks.
New Phrase: I love a challenge.

Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you boss?
New Phrase: You want me to take care of that?

Old Phrase: Blow me.
New Phrase: I see.

Old Phrase: Blow yourself.
New Phrase: Do you see?

Old Phrase: Another fucking meeting
New Phrase: Yes, I think we should discuss this.

Old Phrase: I don’t really give a shit.
New Phrase: I don’t think it will be a problem.

Old Phrase: He’s fucking retarded.
New Phrase: He’s confused.

Continue ReadingNew List of Appropriate Language For Work

Major U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

Author Unknown

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. If can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Continue ReadingMajor U.S. Research University Discovers New Element

Neologisms and New Words Dictionary: M-Z

Author Unknown

Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.

Marinating In: a belief system that your stewing in
example: "After mom said I was too old to meet someone, I was marinating in that idea.

Minty: Used in place of "cool"
example: Friend:"Man, did you go to that party last night?" You:"Yeah, it was so minty!"

Mole: A really big number. It’s a chemistry term equal to 6.02×10 23 — in other words, a really big number.
example: Were you at last night’s concert? There were mole people there.

Monochrome: Boring
example: "That guy was totally monochrome. I couldn’t get rid of him quickly enough"

Neonphancy (ne on’ fan see) n.
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

Ooh, Gravity!: What you say when someone falls down
example: A friend falls down the steps at school, and you say, "Ooh, gravity!"

Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you’ve just made a big mistake.

Peel: To go beyond the first page of a web site
example: That web site looks whack at first, but you have to peel it to get to the phat parts.

Peppier (pehp ee ay’) n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Petrophobic (pet ro fob’ ik) adj.
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

Phonesia (fo nee’ zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pull Your Coat: To make an inquiry
example: Hey, Mr. Man, let me pull your coat about this assignment.

Pupkus (pup’ kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Ripe-For-The-Pickin’: A cute person who is currently single
example: Alright! Brinn dumped adorable Damion, so he’s totally ripe-for-the-pickin’!

Roach: To live off of friends resources
example: Friend: "Hey I’ve only got a dollar." You: "You gotta stop roaching off me."

SITCOMs:
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two/Three Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Softing Loose: Taking things easy and not doing anything
example: "Hey, Kate, what did you do yesterday?" "Nothing. I was just softing loose."

Speaking Of Toasters: Phrase used to amplify the randomness of a thought brought up in conversation.
example: You: "I can’t understand physics." Friend: "I can belch and make it sound like a frog."
You: "…speaking of toasters…"

Starter Marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Swiped Out:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re six inches away.

Tragic: An unfortunate event occurring to somebody near you.
example: Driving past someone who got pulled over, you say "Dude! tragic on him."

Trumpet: One who has an extremely large ego. (from Marching band)
example: "He won’t listen to anything we say." "Well, what do you expect? He’s a trumpet."

Umfriend:
A sexual relationship as in "this is Dale, my…um…friend."

Upalator and Downalator
(instead of escalator)

Virus Of The Mind: a false belief system that screws you up.
example: "the number of personal bankruptcies are going up every year because people have a virus of the mind that credit is a good thing."

Yuppie Food Coupons:
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

Continue ReadingNeologisms and New Words Dictionary: M-Z

A Women’s Glossary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions,
marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say
"focus,…breath…push…"

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring
only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children,
a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove
it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider
yourself lucky to get a card.

Continue ReadingA Women’s Glossary

What Your Resume Really Means

Author Unknown

I Take Pride In My Work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’m Adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I’m Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I can make my own coffee.

I’m Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I’m Highly Motivated To Succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I’m Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I only pilfer office supplies.

I’m Personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’m On The Go:
I’m never at my desk.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

Continue ReadingWhat Your Resume Really Means

New Office Lingo

Author Unknown

Adminisphere:
Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Beepilepsy:
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Career-Limiting Move (CLM):
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.

Dilberted:
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

Glazing:
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?”

G.O.O.D. Job:
A “Get-Out-Of Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

High Dome:
Egghead, scientist, PhD.

Idea Hamsters:
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Open-Collar Workers:
People who work at home or telecommute.

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Prairie Dogging:
Something happens in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

Salmon Day:
Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.

Seagull Partner:
A partner who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Strawman:
A proposal everyone expects to fail but will still get your group noticed. As in,” a strawman proposal for the marketing weenies.”

Stress Puppy:
A person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists:
Employees who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists.”

Triority:
The three important things your boss expects you to do at once.

Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from the workplace.

Continue ReadingNew Office Lingo

Real Cowboy

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  • Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," the young woman said.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian."

Continue ReadingReal Cowboy

Gay Sons

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  • Post category:Gay Jokes

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Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he”s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He”s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he”s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I”m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Continue ReadingGay Sons