What Is An Irishman?

Author Unknown

An Irishman is a man who…

May not believe there is a God,
but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.

Won’t eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.

Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies.

Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.

Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle.

Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman.

Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.

Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood.

Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn’t exercise it himself.

Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.

Scorns money,
but worships those who have it.

Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor.

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Three Irish Brothers

Author Unknown

St. Patrick's DayAn Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what’ll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine–I just quit drinking."

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Golfing in Ireland

Author Unknown

Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says "It’s great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"

The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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Bush Lies

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John Kerry was given a hard time recently for calling the Bush White House a bunch of crooked liars. Well, I’m not running for public office, so I can feel free to call him a big giant lying liar pants. And here’s the Proof, six comparison sites that illustrate what Bush said, versus what actually occurred:

1. Caught on Film: The Bush Credibility Gap
2. Bush Lies
3. Bush Watch: Bush Lies
4. The Lies of George W. Bush
5. Did George W. Bush Invade Iraq by Lying?
6. IRAQGATE: How Bush Justified A War With Lies

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Andrew Sullivan’s bizarre logic about Spain

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Silly Andrew is making the argument that the liberal win in Spain was a victory for al Qaeda. Of course that’s ridiculous (see below) but the really bizarre thing is that he’s suggesting that it will lead to a major Al Qaeda attack in the US in an attempt to influence the election. If the ridiculousness of that isn’t obvious to you, let me point it out…. if there’s another major Al Qaeda attack in the U.S., then George Bush shouldn’t just be voted out of office, he should be impeached and escorted out of there under armed guard. He’s making the case for being the rock of safety in times of danger. Nevermind that he presided over the worst national security disaster in recent memory. If he can allow another major attack, then of course he shouldn’t be there. He should have been kicked out in October of 2001.

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Things Republicans say for $1,000, Alex

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Interesting, what some people will say, and then accuse others of talking about “hate”…
“Get rid of the guy. Impeach him, censure him, assassinate him.”
— Rep. James Hansen (R-UT), talking about President Clinton, as reported by journalist Steve Miner of KSUB radio who overheard his conversation, 11-01-98
“The homosexual blitzkrieg has been better planned and executed than Hitler’s.”
— Rep. William Dannemeyer (R-CA), The New Republic, 08-01-94
“My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building.”
— Ann Coulter, New York Observer, 08-26-02

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Bush can’t tell difference between women & men

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WASHINGTON (Reuters) – U.S. President George W. Bush has marked International Women’s Week by paying tribute to women reformers — but one of those he cited is really a man.
“Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She’s a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy,” the president said in a speech at the White House on Friday.
The only problem was that, by all other accounts, “she” is in fact “he”.
“Definitely male,” said Alistair Hodgett, spokesman for the human rights advocacy group Amnesty International, whose representatives tried to see Jahmi in prison during a recent visit to Libya.

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Why do Republicans hate their children?

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David Knight, son of the state senator who was the author of the California ballot measure that banned same-sex marriage, defied his father’s law and wed his partner of 10 years Tuesday in a quiet ceremony attended by just two friends in San Francisco City Hall.
Atop the grand staircase of City Hall’s rotunda, Knight and Joe Lazzaro of Baltimore exchanged rings and were pronounced spouses for life one month after Sen. William “Pete” Knight, R-Palmdale, proclaimed San Francisco’s same- sex marriages “nothing more than a sideshow.”
Knight, a shy 42-year-old cabinetmaker and former Air Force fighter pilot, broke his long silence on his father’s politics in 2000 to denounce Prop. 22 and talk about the pain it caused his family. He had told his father about six years earlier that he is gay.

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Fridays are just too busy

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To do The Friday Five. Mondays are a way more appropriate day. Screw alliteration.
1. What was the last song you heard?
“Wanted Man” by Johnny Cash, because it’s one of the songs that the band is going play at my house on Saturday. The band has officially named itself, by the way — “Susan May Kill You.” This is funny because we have a co-worker named Susan May. And she’s probably the least likely person to kill you.
2. What were the last two movies you saw?
“Starsky and Hutch” in the theater on Saturday night, “A Mighty Wind” on TV Sunday afternoon. I also saw “Catch Me If You Can” and “Igby Goes Down” this weekend. Hmmm. That’s a lot of movie watching when I’m supposed to be cleaning house.
3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Picture frames, cat treats, crackers.
4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
Well, if we’re talking this past weekend, clean house, plan the menu, have the band over to practice.
5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Emily at IHPC, Jason at Health & Hospital (neighborhood related stuff), Brian, my boss, Mike my co-worker, Kathy on the phone.

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