You are the master of your fate

You are the master of your fate
Now doesn’t this defeat the *purpose* of a fortune cookie? Isn’t the point so I can be a sloth and just let my fate be assigned?
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort.
See, that’s more like it. Fortune cookies that allow me to be lazy are the kind I can get behind.
Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned
But I though I was that master of my fate. Now I’m just confused.
Soon you will be sitting on top of the world
Sing it with me! “I’m on the top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find….”
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others
And I will say “you coveteth my luck, but you cannot have it. I’ve had this luck since I was a child.”
the first step to better times is to imagine them
I’ve been daydreaming all day; it’s not helping at all
you are the center of everyone’s attention
You’re damned right I am. And it’s about time, too.
get your mind set… Confidence will lead you on
Damn it, there’s not really anything smart ass you can say about that
Discontent is the first step in progress of a man or a nation
Rock the boat! Rock the boat! Rock….
There is a true and sincere friendship between you both
both of the people in my head?
Answer just what your heart prompts you
Now even I know that’s not a good idea.
Good news will be brought to you by mail
from Amazon.com, probably
it is very possible that you will achieve greatness in your lifetime
*Very possible???* Damn, that’s not very precise. Couldn’t I get a “probable”?
you are broad-minded and socially active
Heh heh. You said “broad-minded.” Heh.
The best prophet of the future is the past
Too bad Hitler didn’t get this one when he was invading Russia.
the dim haze of enchantment will add mystery to your life
Well, it’s certainly the dim haze of *something*.
Good things are being said about you
In Bed! I have to add it on this one!
You will inherit a large sum of money
I’m looking at my family and thinking “from who?” and making notes to be nice to strangers.
Accept the next proposition you hear
In Bed! Must add it to this one, too.
A financial investment will yield returns beyond your wildest dreams
Because I bought the little red plastic hotels instead of green houses for Park Place.
You will have many friends when you need them
and they will go away when they start to get in your hair.
You are next in line for a promotion in your firm
Ack, I’m standing in the wrong line. I thought this was the one to get coffee.
All your hard work will soon pay off
As soon as you start doing some, Steph.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune
As my friends say, I *do* get all the good fortune cookies.
Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure
Well, yes, that’s true.
You have a strong desire for a home and your family comes first
Snort.

Continue ReadingYou are the master of your fate

Stupid Spam

Here’s some great spam of the sort I get all the time:

Subject: Hello Steph.
Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 01:23:07 -0400 (EDT)
From: ETM <qx5fd@hotmail.com>
Dear Steph,
My name is John Barister and I work for a company called Electronic Traffic Management. Our Company has done a large amount of market research that has brought back some very interesting results.

Immediately with the first sentence I are skeptible (a new word, meaning skeptical in a “funny voice” way, along with the noun-verb disagreement, which, when done intentionally is hi-larous) about this. Market research on what? My web site? The solar system? Green Eggs and Ham? How interesting are these results? [fake voice]Veeeery iiinteresting.[/fake voice] I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out more about these results of research of the marketing variety on an undisclosed subject.
We suspect that you’re not getting the return on investment you were hoping for with your website. If you would like, I would be happy to give you some tools that will start to bring in larger returns.
Now that’s a non sequitur for you. Are these supposed to be the aforementioned “results” of the marketing variety? Your marketing research has told you that you suspect I’m not getting a [bullshit bingo] return on my investment[/bullshit bingo]? Your research ain’t very good then, cause this is my personal site and my return on investment is sky high considering that I don’t pay beans for this site and I get to just spout off on any old topic without caring what anyone else thinks.
But all that not with standing, you were mentioning giving me tools? I like tools. What kind are they? Car tools or house tools? Or maybe they’re my new favorite kind; lawn care tools. What ever; you said you’d “give” me these tools, not “sell” me these tools. Sound’s like your return on investment is gonna take a beating if you go around just giving tools to people for no good reason except you did some hazy sort of marketing research. Have a glance at this post here that explains about How to Make Use of Intercom Documentation and how it is now being used in the marketing field.
You can also go to our website and download the free video on how to get more business from your online investment. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you will keep getting what you’ve been getting! Just visit the link below and follow the instructions:
Apparently, I need to keep doing EXACTLY what I’ve been doing, because I have an incredibly satisfying cheapo personal website which causes people to go around giving me tools (of an undisclosed nature) and free videos which unfortunately sound rather boring.
http://www.electronictraffic.com/marketing.htm
Now, this URL they sent bothers me. Because if these guys are the big shots they claim they are (okay, they never claimed to be, but they are throwing around words like “marketing research” and “return on investment” like there’s no tomorrow, which sounds like a “We’re all of the big-head variety right over here, huh!” type of speech.) their URL would be:
http://www.electronictraffic.com/marketing/index.htm
Because then marketing wouldn’t be a single *page* on their site, but a whole *section* of which the index page is first. Sort of like on my site, where I have
https://commonplacebook.com/humor/index.shtm
And there are literally like, hundreds, of jokes in the category of /humor/, see whut I mean? If these guys don’t have more than one page of things to say about marketing, when you know, they’re doing all this vast marketing research (apparently on my site, which is damn kind of them to do without even being asked and all) they should have like, a giant database worths of stuff to say about the marketing.
So basically, I think these guys are big fat liars. Which make me really suspicious of the following:
To be removed from our mailing list, simply send an email tormv@mailandnews.com with the word “remove” in the subject line. Your email address will be permanently removed, and you will not receive any further mailings from us. Please note that any attempts to abuse the removal process will result our inability to handle remove requests.
Because the secret new internet meaning of the word “remove” is “sign me up for a bunch more spam as I confirm this e-mail address is a valid one.” I’ll think, instead of “removing” myself from their mailing list, I’ll just make fun of it on my website.
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

Continue ReadingStupid Spam

Gay for Good: Can straight guys become happy homosexuals?

By Jefferson Morley

“Most mental-health organizations have passed resolutions discouraging the use of so-called reparative therapies intended to change homosexuals into heterosexuals, saying no scientific evidence exists to show they are effective.” —- New York Times, May 9, 2001

To people who say that psychotherapy cannot change a person’s sexual orientation, Dr. Rafe Da Vinci of Miami Beach says, “Numbers aren’t straight or queer, they’re clear. And the numbers show that therapy can change orientation, especially among men.”

Da Vinci, a veteran psychiatrist with a booming practice in a Collins Avenue high-rise, is attracting growing attention in the debate about so-called “reparative therapies” that seek to change a person’s sexual orientation. Doctors, gay rights activists, and others who say that sexual orientation is determined early in life have questioned claims that people with homosexual tendencies can overcome them via psychotherapy. Da Vinci’s practice focuses on an oft-neglected group at the heart of this debate: straight men who wish to become gay.

“Survey data from submarines, discos, and prisons show that anywhere from 9 to 23 percent of males say they have a desire to become gay,” Da Vinci said in a recent interview. “I think we have shown that these same men, if they commit themselves to an intensive course of therapy, can become happy homosexuals.”

Heterosexual rights activists have questioned Da Vinci’s data and criticized his politics, saying that his practice stigmatizes perfectly normal straight people and exploits their feelings of shame and guilt. Critics also allege that Da Vinci supported a resolution at the 1978 American Congress of Psychotherapists defining heterosexuality as a “uniquely vexing condition.” The motion was narrowly defeated. Da Vinci denies any intention of fomenting intolerance of the straight lifestyle, saying that he was married to his third wife at the time.

Bearded, avuncular, and outspoken, Da Vinci has attracted hundreds of clients from all over south Florida with a controversial counseling regimen that includes group discussions about how best to cope with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. There are also frequent trips to Dean & DeLuca and a reading list that includes Remembrance of Things Past, Dennis Rodman’s memoirs, and The Seven Habits of Highly Homosexual People.

“In Freudian terms, we seek to reverse the Oedipal cycle, transferring the object identification with the unrealizable female Other into a more cognitive attachment to a responsible male, preferably one with a BMW,” Da Vinci explained.

Originally a skeptic about reparative therapies, Da Vinci now says he is a believer.

“The non-straight heterosexual can reconcile his value system and his orientation,” he says. “I’ve seen it happen in my office.”

Da Vinci’s latest book, Going Gay (Gomorrah Press), is now ranked 14,342 on the Amazon.com best-seller list and is climbing rapidly. His claims of success, while hotly disputed by heterosexual rights activists, are beginning to receive respectful coverage in professional journals. Last year Da Vinci published a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Gendered Genetics that is stirring debate on the Internet and on talk radio shows in some parts of Western Australia.

Out of 111 men who had undergone his “Gay for Good” course of therapy for at least a year, Da Vinci reported that 29 said that they no longer had sexual fantasies involving Rachel from Friends. An additional 21 men reported that while they still hoped to date Anna Kournikova someday, they were “somewhat happier” with their homosexual lifestyle. Da Vinci acknowledges that a slight majority of the men, 55 in total, reverted back to a straight lifestyle. Six of the reversion group, he noted, had committed suicide.

“Clearly, this therapy isn’t for everybody,” Da Vinci said.

The most common motivating factors cited by men who want to become gay, according to Da Vinci’s survey, were “morality” (58 percent), “better clothes” (39 percent), and “more quality time at the gym” (28 percent).

“A lot of these guys say they deeply believe that it’s just not right to get into a reproductive relationship in an era of dwindling natural resources,” Da Vinci said. “Others want to uphold the moral values exemplified by Western thinkers from Socrates to Allan Bloom.”

Da Vinci expressed surprise that among the motivations of those seeking to stay gay for good, “more sexual partners” only barely edged out “less watching of football” (22 percent to 21 percent). He said older patients in his study group most often cited “live like Cary Grant” (11 percent) and “a lot more sexual partners” (9 percent) as reasons for leaving the straight lifestyle. Younger clients spoke of “increased opportunities for meeting Ricky Martin in person” (5 percent).

Garth LeBouche, executive director of the Straight Support Network, a heterosexual activist group based in Arlington, Texas, decried Da Vinci’s claims as “agenda-driven.”

He criticized Da Vinci’s reports about heterosexual suicide. According to published interviews, two of the men cited in Da Vinci’s study had not committed suicide but had perished from heat exhaustion at a PTA meeting. A third fatality, LeBouche said, had strangled on a Happy Meal toy while playing with his 4-year-old son.

“Do those sound like men who died unhappy about their heterosexuality?” LeBouche said in a telephone interview. “Only an intolerant extremist would say such a thing.”

LeBouche praised the recent decision of the Bush administration to reverse an executive order issued by President Clinton on his last day in office that would have included “Gay for Good” on a list of reparative therapies paid for by the U.S. Navy’s health plan.

“This crazy notion that we can talk people into loving someone else should not be financed by the U.S. taxpayer,” LeBouche said.

Da Vinci, a registered Republican who voted for McCain, says he regrets the administration’s decision but will not contest it.

“Ending coverage will most likely hurt unit morale. On those submarines where the presence of straight people may be perceived by homosexuals as incompatible with tradition, the Gay for Good program helped some sailors fit in. Now, unhappy heterosexuals, who I suspect voted overwhelmingly for Bush, will have nowhere to turn. It’s sad.”

The tanned and buff doctor scoffs at published reports in the gay press that he is a closet heterosexual. He says that he and his longtime spiritual companion of three weeks, physical trainer Ferdinand Mateo of Brazil, are now seeking to develop conversion therapy for women.

“Our research,” Da Vinci says, “suggests that up to 72 percent of all adult females say that heterosexual men are either emotionally unavailable, financially untrustworthy, sexually selfish, hygienically challenged, prone to illusions of grandeur, or all of the above. If we can help millions of women to become lesbians, we think that would probably be a net plus for human happiness.”

Continue ReadingGay for Good: Can straight guys become happy homosexuals?

mandatory meeting

Today’s memo from our company president:
From: Henderson, Ray
Sent: Tuesday, May 08, 2001 7:58 AM
To: InformIT Teams
Subject: Updated: Strategy Offsite–Final Plan
When: Thursday, May 10, 2001 10:00 AM-4:00 PM (GMT-05:00) Indiana (East).
Where: Indianapolis Motor Speedway
Importance: High
Update: I tasked Bill Hayes with finding a quiet, meditative place appropriate for a strategy review. I’m pleased to let you know that he’s found an unused suite at the Speedway. He’s told me that there’s nothing going on there this time of year, and the suites above the start/finish line allow a contemplative setting and nice view of a serene infield. He’s assured me there’s a nice wall for projecting screenshots, and good glare control despite what he says are large windows directly over the track below. I credit him also for his attention to the symbolism:
“We’ll get special passes for the pits, and send envoys down in rotation…as they return to the group we can welcome them back from this archetypal hell-journey in a ceremony I’ve adapted from aboriginal ghost dances. We’ll see into each others souls, and embrace each other as brothers and sisters of the Great Mother. Trust me, I’ve looked at themes from the Hindu, Sufi, Taoist, and Zorastrian traditions–this aboriginal theme is the perfect marriage for our venue.”
Please share this appt with your departments. Attendance is mandatory for full staff.
Our Agenda:
clothing: casual, jeans and tshirts, eye and headgear. Camera’s ok. (no shorts/tanktops allowed in hell-journey ceremony)
early am: a productive hour or two in the office early.
10:00 am: assembly for a brief team meeting
10:30 departure in car pools
11-4: meeting in session, refreshments provided
4:00 departure

Continue Readingmandatory meeting

So I’m back at work

So I’m back at work after my two-week vacation and my big-fat road trip extravaganza. Yipeee! I had a great party, and a great time, but it’s good to be back to my 130 + work-related e-mails. Swell. Plus I’m in my new cubicle after the latest move at work (happened right before I left). I gots me more space than before. Es vera cool. 🙂 The party and road-trip photos will go up ASAP after I finish working on my Dad’s website.

Continue ReadingSo I’m back at work

webzine2000.com

Independent Web Publishers Unite in San Francisco SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Allies of independent publishing on the internet will gather on July 22nd in San Francisco for an exhibition, forum, and party to celebrate those who create and hope to create for the new medium. WEBZINE 2000 will showcase the web’s finest non-commercial projects and host over 50 speakers and panelists throughout the 10 hour summit. Young and old are invited to join some of the web’s most radical creators to discuss the future and current state of homespun web projects.

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people-powered mower

Bought a people-powered mower this weekend and mowed the lawn. Cool. My arms are tired, but the lawn looks great and it’s a small, efficient mower that doesn’t need gas or create air pollution. My lawn is green in every sense of the word.
This guy is interesting. He’s got an interesting design and he’s and excellent writer with a lot of provocative ideas.

Continue Readingpeople-powered mower