Deteriorata

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From the CD: National Lampoon Radio Dinner Album
A Parody of the poem Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.

Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.

Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.

You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.

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Desiderata

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Max Ehrmann (1872-1945)
From the Book: Desiderata : A Poem for a Way of Life
Spoken Word version on AM Gold: Mellow Hits

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

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The Curse of Minerva

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George Gordon, Lord Byron
From the book "Byron, Complete Poetical Works"

— ‘Pallas te hoc vulnere, Pallas
Immolat, et poenam scelerato ex sanguine sumit.’ Aeneid, lib. xii.

Slow sinks, more lovely ere his race be run,
Along Morea’s hills the setting sun;
Not, as in northern climes, obscurely bright,
But one unclouded blaze of living light;
O’re the hush’d deep the yellow beam he throws,
Gilds the green wave that trembles as it glows;
On old Aegina’s rock and Hydra’s isle
The god of gladness sheds his parting smile;
O’er his own regions lingering loves to shine,
Though there his altars are no more divine.
Descending fast, the mountain-shadows kiss
Thy glorious gulf, unconquer’d Salamis!
Their azure arches through the long expanse,
More deeply purpled, meet his mellowing glance,
And tenderest tints, along their summits driven,
Mark his gay course, and own the hues of heaven;
Till , darkly shaded from the land and deep,
Behind his Delphian rock he sinks to sleep.

On such an eve his palest beam he cast
When, Athens! here thy wisest look’d his last,
How watch’d thy better sons his farewell ray,
That closed their murder’d sage’s latest day!
Not yet–not yet–Sol pauses on the hill,
The precious hour of parting lingers still;
But sad his light to agonising eyes,
And dark the mountain’s once delightful dyes;
Gloom o’er the lovely land he seem’d to pour.
The land where Phoebus never frown’d before;
But ere he sunk below Cithaeron’s head,
The cup of woe was quaff’d–the spirit fled;
The soul of him that scorn’d to fear or fly,
Who lived and died as none can live or die.

But, lo! from high Hymettus to the plain
The queen of night asserts her silent reign;
No murky vapour, herald of the storm,
Hides her fair face, or girds her glowing form,
With cornice glimmering as the moonbeams play,
There the white column greets her grateful ray,
And bright around with quivering beams beset,
Her emblem sparkles o’er the minaret:
The groves of olives scatter’d dark and wide,
Where meek Cephisus sheds his scanty tide,
The cypress saddening by the sacred mosque,
The gleaming turret of the gay kiosk,
And sad and sombre ‘mid the holy calm,
Near Theseus’ fane, yon solitary palm;
All, tinged with varied hues, arrest the eye;
And dull were his that pass’d them heedless by.

Again the Aegean, heard no more afar,
Lulls his chafed breast from elemental war:
Again his long waves in milder tints unfold
Their long expanse of sapphire and of gold,
Mix’d with the shades of many a distant isle
That frown, where gentler ocean deigns to smile.

As thus, within the walls of Pallas’ fane,
I mark’d the beauties of the land and main,
Alone, and friendless, on the magic shore,
Whose arts and arms but live in poets’ lore;
Oft as the matchless dome I turn’d to scan,
Sacred to gods but not secure from man,
The past return’d, the present seem’d to cease,
And Glory knew no clime beyond her Greece!

Hours roll’d along, and Dian’s orb on high
Had gain’d the centre of her softest sky;
And yet unwearied still my footstep trod
O’er the vain shrine of many a vanish’d god:
But chiefly, Pallas! thine, when Hecate’s glare,
Check’d by thy columns, fell more sadly fair
O’er the chill marble, where the startling tread
Thrills the lone heart like echoes from the dead.
Long had I mused, and treasured every trace
The wreck of Greece recorded of her race,
When lo! a giant form before me strode,
And Pallas hail’d me in her own abode!

Yes, ’twas Minerva’s self; but ah! how changed,
Since o’er the Dardan field in arms she ranged!
Not such as erst, by her divine command,
Her form appear’d from Phidias’ plastic hand:
Gone were the terrors of her awful brow,
Her idle aegis wore no Gorgon now;
Her helm was dinted, and the broken lance
Seem’d weak and shaftless e’en to mortal glance;
The olive branch, which still she deign’d to clasp,
Shrunk from her touch and wither’d in her grasp;
And, ah! though still the brightest of the sky,
Celestial tears bedimm’d her large blue eye:
Round the rent casque her owlet circled slow,
And mourn’d his mistress with a shriek of woe!

‘Mortal!’–’twas thus she spake–‘that blush of shame
Proclaims thee Briton, once a noble name;
First of all the mighty, foremost of the free,
Now honour’d less by all, and least by me:
Chief of they foes shall Pallas still be found.
Seek’st thou the cause of loathing?–look around.
Lo! here, despite of war and wasting fire,
I saw successive tyrannies expire.
‘Scaped from the ravage of the Turk and Goth,
Thy country sends a spoiler worse than both.
Survey this vacant violated fane;
Recount the relics torn that yet remain:
These Cecrops placed, this Pericles adorn’d,
That Adrian rear’d when drooping Science mourn’d.
What more I owe let gratitude attest–
Know Alaric and Elgin did the rest.
That all may learn from whence the plunderer came,
The insulted wall sustains his hated name:
For Elgin’s fame thus grateful Pallas pleads,
Below, his name–above, behold his deeds!

Be ever hail’d with equal honour here
the Gothic monarch and the Pictish peer:
Arms gave the first his right, the last had none,
But basely stole what less barbarians won.
So when the lion quits his fell repast,
Next prowls the wolf, the filthy jackal last:
Flesh, limbs, and blood the former make their own,
The last poor brute securely gnaws the bone.
Yet still the gods are just and crimes are cross’d:
See here what Elgin won and what he lost!
Another name with his pollutes my shrine:
Behold where Dian’s beams disdain to shine!
Some retribution still might Pallas claim,
When Venus half avenged Minerva’s shame.

She ceased awhile, and thus I dared to reply,
To soothe the vengeance kindling in her eye:
‘Daughter of Jove! in Britain’s injured name,
A true-born Briton may the deed disclaim.
Frown not on England; England owns him not:
Athena, no! they plunderer was a Scot.
Ask’st thou the difference? From fair Phyle’s towers
Survey Boeotia;–Caledonia’s ours.
And well I know within that bastard land
Hath Wisdom’s goddess never held command;
A barren soil, where Nature’s germs, confined
To stern sterility, can stint the mind;
Whose thistle well betrays the niggard earth,
Emblem of all to whom the land gives birth;
Each genial influence nurtured to resist;
A land of meanness, sophistry, and mist.
Each breeze from foggy mount and marshy plain
Dilutes with drivel every drizzly brain,
Till, burst at length, each wat’ry head o’erflows.
Foul as their soil, and frigid as their snows.
Then thousands schemes of petulance and pride
Despatch her scheming children far and wide:
Some east, some west, some everywhere but north,
In quest of lawless gain they issue forth.
And thus–accursed be the day and year!
She sent a Pict to play the felon here.
Yet Caledonia claims some native worth,
As dull Boeotia gave a Pindar birth;
So may be her few the letter’d and the brave,
Bound to no clime, and victors of the grave,
Shake off the sordid dust of such a land,
And shine like children of a happier strand;
As once, of yore, in some obnoxious place,
Ten names (if found) had saved a wretched race.’

‘Mortal!’ the blue-eyed maid resumed,
‘once more Bear back my mandate to thy native shore.
Though fallen, alas! this vengence is yet mine,
To turn my counsels far from lands like thine.
Hear then in silence Pallas’s stern beehest;
Hear and believe for time will tell the rest.

‘First on the head of him and all his seed:
My curse shall light,–on him and all his seed:
Without one spark of intellectual fire,
Be all the sons as senseless as the sire:
If one with wit the parent brood disgrace,
Believe him bastard of a brighter race:
Still with his hireling artists let him prate,
And Folly’s praise repay for Wisdom’s hate;
Long of their patron’s gusto let them tell,
Whose noblest, native gusto is–to sell:
To sell and make–may shame record the day!–
The state receiver of his pilfer’d prey.
Meantime, the flattering feeble dotard, West,
Europe’s poor dauber, and poor Britain’s best,
With palsied hand shall turn each model o’er,
And own himself an infant of fourscore.
Be all the bruisers cull’d from St. Giles’,
That art and nature may compare their styles;
While brawny brutes in stupid wonder stare,
And marvel at his lordship’s "stone shop" there.
Round the throng’d gate shall sauntering coxcombs creep,
To lounge and lucubrate, to prate and peep;
While many a languid maid, with longing sigh,
On giant statues casts the curious eye;
The room with transient glance appears to skim
Yet marks the mighty back and length of limb;
Mourns o’er the difference of now and then;
Exclaims "These Greeks indeed were proper men!"
Draws slight conparisons of these with those,
And envies Laïs all her Attic beaux.
When shall a modern maid have swain like these!
Alas! Sir Harry is no Hercules!
And last of all amidst the gaping crew,
Some calm spectator, as he takes his view,
In silent indignation mixed with grief,
Admires the plunder, but abhors the thief.
Oh, loath’d in life, nor pardon’d in dust,
May hate pursue his sacreligious lust!
Linked with that fool that fired the Ephesian dome,
Shall vengeance follow far beyond the tomb,
And Eratostratus and Elgin shine
In many a branding page and burning line;
Alike reserved for aye to stand accursed,
Perchance the second blacker than the first.

‘So let him stand through ages yet unborn,
Fix’d statue on the pedestal of Scorn;
Though not for him alone revenge shall wait,
But fits thy country for her coming fate:
Hers were the deeds that taught her lawless son
To do what oft Britannia’s self had done.
Look to the Baltic–blazing from afar,
Your old ally yet mourns perfidious war.
Not to such deeds did Pallas lend her aid,
Or break the compact which she herself had made;
Far from such councils from the faithless field
She fled–but left behind her Gorgon shield;
A fatal gift that turn’d your friends to stone,
And left lost Albion hated and alone.

‘Look to the East, where Ganges swarthy race
Shall shake your tyrant empire to its base;
Lo! there Rebellion rears her gastly head,
And glares the Nemesis of native dead;
Till Indus rolls a deep purpureal flood
And claims his long arrear of northern blood.
So may ye perish! Pallas, when she gave
Your free-born rights forbade you to enslave.

‘Look on your Spain!–she clasps the hand she hates,
But boldly clasps, and thrusts you from her gates.
Bear witness, bright Barossa! thou canst tell
Whose were the sons that bravely fought and fell.
But Lusitania, kind and dear ally,
Can spare few to fight and sometimes fly,
Oh glorious field! by Famine fiercely won,
The Gaul retires for once, and all is done!
But when did Pallas teach, that one retreat
Retrieved three long olympiads of defeat?

‘Look last at home–ye love not to look there;
On the grim smile of comfortless despair:
Your city saddens: loud though Revel howls,
Here Famine faints and yonder Rapine prowls.
See all alike of more or less bereft;
No misers tremble when there’s nothing left.
"Blest paper credit;" who shall dare to sing?
It clogs like lead Corruption’s weary wing.
Yet Pallas pluck’d each premier by the ear,
Who gods and men alike disdained to hear;
But one, repentant o’er a bankrupt state,
On Pallas calls,–but calls, alas! too late:
Then raves for ** ; to that Mentor bends,
Though he and Pallas never yet were friends.
Him senates hear, whom never yet the heard,
Contemptuous once, and now no less absurd.
So, once of yore, each resonable frog
Swore faith and fealty to his sovereign "log",
Thus hail’d your rules their patrician clod,
As Egypt chose and onion for a god.

‘Now fare ye well! enjoy your little hour;
Go, grasp the shadow of your vanish’d power;
Gloss o’er the failure of of each fondest scheme;
Your strength a name, your bloated wealth a dream.
Gone is that gold, the marvel of mankind,
And pirates barter all that’s left behind.
No more the hirelings, purchased near and far,
Crowd to the ranks of mercenary war.
The idle merchant on the useless quay
Droops o’er the bales no bark may bear away;
Or, back returning, sees rejected stores
Rot piecemeal on his own encumber’d shores:
The starved mechanic breaks his rusting loom,
And desperate mans him ‘gainst the coming doom.
Then in the senate of your sinking state
Show me the man whose counsels may have weight.
Vain is each voice where tones could once command;
E’en factions cease to charm a factious land:
Yet jarring sects convulse a sister isle,
And light with maddening hands the mutual pile.

‘ ‘Tis done, ’tis past, since Pallas warns in vain;
The Furies seize her abdicated reign:
Wide o’er the realm they wave their fiery hands.
But one convulsive struggle still remains,
And Gaul shall weep ere Albion wear her chains.
The banner’d pomp of war, the glittering files,
O’er whose gay trappings stern Bellona smiles;
The brazen trump, the spirit stirring drum,
That bid the foe defiance ere they come;
The hero bounding at his country’s call,
The glorious death that consecrates his fall,
Swell the young heart with visionary charms,
And bid it antedate the joys of arms.
But know, a lesson you may yet have taught,
With death alone are laurels cheaply bought:
Not in the conflict Havoc seeks delight,
His day of mercy is the day of fight.
But when the field is fought, the battle won,
Though drench’d with gore, his woes are but begun:
His deeper deeds as yet ye know by name;
The slaughter’d peasant and the ravished dame,
The rifled mansion and the foe-reap’d field,
Ill suit with souls at home, untaught to yield.
Say with what eye along the distant down
Would flying burghers mark the blazing town?
How view the column of ascending flames
Shake his red shadow o’er the startled Thames?
Nay, frown not, Albion! for the torch was thine
That lit such pyres from Tagus to Rhine:
Now should they burst on thy devoted coast,
Go, ask they bosom who deserves them most.
The law of heaven and earth is life for life,
And she who raised, in vain regrets, the strife.’

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Two new verbs

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Two new verbs:
To Harris: To steal something, not for oneself, but on behalf of someone else in order to curry favor.
To Scalia: To use unethical means to run down the clock on one’s opponent.

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Texas Dems Get Bushwacked

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I KNEW there was something fishy about all that thunderous applause before Bush’s acceptance speech. Turns out there weren’t any Democrats allowed in the room. Texas Dems Get Bushwacked.

President-elect George W. Bush delivered his long-awaited acceptance speech Wednesday night to thunderous applause from the Democrat-controlled Texas House of Representatives, highlighting Bush’s boasts of having reached across the aisle to work with Democrats. Or so it appeared.

But the shiny bipartisan veneer Bush hopes will follow him into the Oval Office lost some of its luster Thursday, when many Democratic representatives said they weren’t invited to the speech, and at least one even after having requested an invitation.

“We weren’t asked to come,” says state Rep. Garnet Coleman.

Calling the Bush team’s failure to invite Democrats “phony” and “hypocritical,” Democratic state Rep. Kevin Bailey, D-Houston, said that “it was kind of surprising that we weren’t invited.”

They were all applauding because they were all Republicans. But mark my words– celebrating was a big mistake. There was nothing for you to celebrate, Bush. Over half the people in this country didn’t want you, and grinning like an idiot only makes them more mad. “Pull together behind the president,” my ass. I don’t care what Al Gore says, George W. Bush is not my president, and I know I’m not the only one to think so.

I’m with all those people who are organizing on the internet to protest Bush’s Inauguration in January. I may not get to go, but I’ll spend the day in conspicuous mourning. And I almost have my “Impeach G.W. Bush” bumper stickers done.

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Justice Stevens dissenting

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JUSTICE STEVENS, with whom JUSTICE GINSBURG AND JUSTICE BREYER join, dissenting.

What must underlie petitioners’ entire federal assault on the Florida election procedures is an unstated lack of confidence in the impartiality and capacity of the state judges who would make the critical decisions if the vote count were to proceed. Otherwise, their position is wholly without merit. The endorsement of that position by the majority of this Court can only lend credence to the most cynical appraisal of the work of judges throughout the land. It is confidence in the men and women who admin-ister the judicial system that is the true backbone of the rule of law. Time will one day heal the wound to that confidence that will be inflicted by today’s decision. One thing, however, is certain. Although we may never know with complete certainty the identity of the winner of this year’s Presidential election, the identity of the loser is perfectly clear. It is the Nation’s confidence in the judge as an impartial guardian of the rule of law. I respectfully dissent.

In case it isn’t clear what Supreme Court Justice Stephens is saying, let me explain it:
He’s saying that the Supreme Court, knowing full well that it had no jurisdiction in the election at all, nevertheless stepped into the process and took it over just long enough for the clock to run out for Al Gore, and then threw the process back to the Florida Supreme Court once the time ran out.
In other words, he’s saying that the Supreme Court stole the election for George W. Bush.

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Al Gore IS the President

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Al Gore IS the President of the United States. And he will be for the next four years. I don’t care what anyone says. You can cheat and defraud all you want to, but you can’t change my mind on this one. I refuse to hear anything else on the subject.
I hopped in my car on the way to work this morning, pulled out into traffic, and flipped on the windshield wipers because it started to rain. Stuck under the wiper on my side of the car was a round piece of… something. It completely obstructed my view, and flipping off the wipers didn’t help because it was raining too hard. I almost rammed the car ahead of me, but managed to turn of into the Church’s Chicken parking lot, where I hopped out and pull the round disc from under my wiper. It was a round plastic-covered hallmark card, about 2 inches in diameter… a wreath with the message “Jesus is the Reason for the Season.”
I’m thinking there are better ways of making this sort of point.

Continue ReadingAl Gore IS the President

Things I said…

I don’t need clones. You have to feed them. What I need is a doppelganger.
You can’t straddle the fence without bruising your genitalia.
On George W. Bush: I don’t want a president who’s done more drugs than me.
On President G. W. Bush: At the very least, I can say I’m smarter than the President of the United States.
My favorite Guin Turner movie? Taxicab Confessions. I like her acting best when she’s drunk and unaware of the camera.

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blogger is set up

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Okay. Blogger is set up and I finally got it working the way I want it to. I only hope that I can figure out how to archive stuff the way I want. Tonight is the big Buca de Beppo Xmas bash/White Elephant party. Should be very interesting.

UPDATE: Prior to this post, I had been building my journal entries by hand. This post is the first official post I made in a content management system, so everything dated prior to this was originally a static html page. I later switched over to Movable Type to manage my content, and then moved to Word Press in 2012. I went looking for some photos of that White Elephant party, but apparently I never posted any of them to Flickr for December 2000.

Continue Readingblogger is set up