St. Patrick’s Day

Leprechauns

Author Unknown

St. Patrick's DayA tall man is in the mens room using the facilities. A short guy, about knee high, comes in and pulls up a stool, and starts taking a pee too. The tall guy keeps looking over his shoulder. The little guy says, "What the hell are you looking at?" and the tall guy replies, "Well, for you being such a short little guy, you have an awfully big pecker on you!"

"Well," says the short guy, "Of course I do. I am a leprechaun, and I can have anything I wish for!"

"A leprechaun, you say? Does that mean you can give me any thing I wish for?!" asks the tall man.

"Well, yes, but I am a gay leprechaun, so I’ll want a favor in return," says the short guy.

After thinking, the tall guy says, "Alright then. I want a million dollars, a brand new mansion, and 2 brand new Porsches!"

"Fine!" says the short guy, "its all yours! But first I want you to pull your pants down, bend over and grab your ankles!"

So, the guy does it, and the short guy climbs back up on the stool, and really gives it to him! The guy is just moaning. The short guy says, "So tell me, What is your name?" The tall guy moans, and stomping his feet, he says, "My name is Bruce….."

"Bruce? How old are you?" asks the short guy.

Stomping his feet even harder, he moans, "I’m 32!"

The short guy says, "Bruce? You’re 32 and you still believe in Leprechauns?!"

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What Is An Irishman?

Author Unknown

An Irishman is a man who…

May not believe there is a God,
but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.

Won’t eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.

Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies.

Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.

Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle.

Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman.

Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.

Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood.

Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn’t exercise it himself.

Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.

Scorns money,
but worships those who have it.

Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor.

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Three Irish Brothers

Author Unknown

St. Patrick's DayAn Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what’ll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine–I just quit drinking."

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Golfing in Ireland

Author Unknown

Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."

A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says "It’s great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"

The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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