Plastic Jesus
Plastic Jesus is on:
by The Blackeyed Susans
I don’t care if it rains of freezes
‘Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my Plastic Jesus I’ll go far.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I’m afraid He’ll have to go.
His magnets ruin my radio
And if I have a wreck He’ll leave a scar.
Riding down a thoroughfare
With His nose up in the air,
A wreck may be ahead, but He don’t mind.
Trouble coming He don’t see,
He just keeps His eye on me
And any other thing that lies behind.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car …
Though the sunshine on His back
Make Him peel, chip and crack,
A little patching keeps Him up to par.
When I’m in a traffic jam
He don’t care if I say "damn"
I can let all my curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn’t hear
‘Cause he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car …
Once His robe was snowy white,
Now it isn’t quite so bright –
Stained by the smoke of my cigar.
If I weave around at night,
And policemen think I’m tight,
They never find my bottle – though they ask.
Plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see
He’s hollow, and I use Him for a flask.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car …
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb –
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.
[Plastic Jesus has become quite entrenched in the folk tradition, so there are considerably more folk verses than there were original ones. Following are folk additions and emendations, as well as additions from recording artists who have covered this song.]
Well, I don’t care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I could go a hundred miles an hour
Long as I got the Almighty Power
Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice
{Refrain – repeat between every verse}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I’ll go far.
I don’t care if it rains or freezes
As long as I’ve got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He’s Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you’re travelling far
I don’t care if it’s dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin’ on the dashboard of my car
I feel I’m protected amply
I’ve got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car
You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin’ ninety, I’m not wary
‘Cause I’ve got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won’t go to Hell
I don’t care what they say, I’m gonna
Keep on prayin’ to that pink madonna
Melted to the dashboard of my car.
I don’t care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don’t I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car
No, I don’t care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
But I think he’ll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he’ll leave a scar
Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don’t mind
Trouble coming, he don’t see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par
When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who’s boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it’s seldom that they live to see the morning
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they’ll scatter or they’ll splatter near and far
When I’m in a traffic jam
He don’t care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn’t hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn’t quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar
God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan
Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He’s Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you’re travelling far.
You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell.
Goin’ ninety, I’m not wary’
Cause I’ve got my Virgin Mary,
Guaranteeing I won’t go to Hell.
Rain and Snow are not an issue
long as I got my plastic Vishnu
Sittin on the dashboard of my car
When I’m goin’ fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin’ on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I’m on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin’ on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin’ from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van
I don’t care if I’m broke or starvin’
As long as I’ve got a fish named Darwin
Glued to the trunklid of my car
God, I’m feeling so evolved
Drivin’ with my problems solved
Proclaiming what I think of what we are
Riding home one foggy night,
With my honey cuddled tight,
I missed a curve and off the road we veered.
My windshield got smashed-up good,
And my darling graced the hood.
Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared.
{As refrain}
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
No longer chides me with His holy grin.
Doctors in the X-ray room
Found Him in my darling’s womb.
Someday, He’ll be born again!
I don’t care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
He’s the dude with the rusty nails,
Walks on water, don’t need no sails
Riding on the dashboard of me car
I don’t care if the night is scary
As long as I got the Virgin Mary
Sittin’ on the dashboard of my car.
She don’t slip and she don’t slide
Cuz her ass is magnetized
Sittin’ on the dashboard of my car.
I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
When I wake up yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s havering to you
{Refrain}
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
To fall down at your door
When I’m working yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I’ll do
I’ll pass almost every penny on to you
{Refrain}
When I come home yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s growing old with you
{Refrain}
When I’m lonely yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s lonely without you
When I’m dreaming yes I know I’m gonna dream
Dream about the time when I’m with you
A Few Holiday Favorites With A Gay Twist
"Frosty the Snow Queen"
(To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")
Frosty the snow queen
Had a rotten Christmas Day,
While the children played with their sweet charade
He was anything but Gay.
Frosty the Snow Queen
Thought the kids had made a mess.
He deplored the pipe and the old top hat,
He preferred to wear a dress.
They made him sled, they made him skate
They had a snowball fight.
And when they put him on some skis
How it made his snowballs tight (ouch!)
He hated Christmas,
Not a hoot like Hallowe’en.
Without sequined gowns and bejewelled crowns
He’s a frigid closet queen.
All season long dear Frosty pined
And lonliness he felt
Until he spied a handsome hunk
And his heart began to melt!
They moved to the North Pole
Where their lives are cool and free.
And together during six-month nights
They’re as happy as can be!
"O Horny Dyke"
(To the tune of "O Holy Night")
O horny Dyke, riding on a Harley
With chrome exhaust and the front wheel chopped.
Ride through the night, roaring down the highway
Through quiet towns whose sad silence is stopped.
In leather chaps to match her leather jacket
And polished boots she blazes into town.
Fall on your knees! And worship Mistress Harley!
O Dyke Divine, O Dyke — Dyke on a bike!
O Dyke Divine, O Dyke, O horny Dyke!
"Have a Flaming Screaming Yultide"
(To the tune of "Have a holly, jolly Christmas")
Have a flaming, screaming Yuletide,
It’s the best time of the year
For all to know
That you’re Ho-mo
And happy to be Queer.
Have a flaming, screaming Yuletide
And as you walk down the street
Say "Hello"
To Dykes you know
And every Fag you meet.
Ho! Ho! If you’re Homo
Let everyone see!
Come out of the closet now,
Flaunt it publicly!
Have a flaming screaming Yuletide
And in case you didn’t hear:
Come on, Mary, have a
Flaming, screaming Yuletide this year!
"Bisexual"
(To the tune of "O Christmas Tree")
Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!
Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!
You’ll sleep with women and with men
You’ll switch and then go back again.
Bisexual, Bisexual
How free to love each gender!
Jingle Bells
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!
A day or two ago, I thought I’d take a ride
And soon a buff Marine was seated by my side.
His chest was lean and hard, and free from any hair
And when I stripped him of his clothes
His legs went in the air!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to flaunt in public that you’re Gay!
"Let ‘Em Rave"
(To the tune of "Let It Snow")
O the fundies outside are frightful
But we Queers are so delightful.
They’re quite disturbed we are Gay, but
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!
They scream and they wave their Bible
Shouting hateful libel.
We know they’re all closet Gays, so
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!
When we finally kiss goodnight
We’ll be sure that the fundies can see.
During kiss-ins they get up-tight
‘Cuz they’d like to join you and me!
They’re zeal is slowly dying
They’ll soon be Queer-sex trying.
I did their pastor just the other day, so
Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave! Let ’em rave!
And finally, for a little multi-culturalism…
"The Dildo Song"
(To the tune of "The Dreidle Song")
O dildo, dildo, dildo
I made you out of clay
And when you’re hard and ready
O dildo I will play
When I was a youngster
Indoors I’d always stay
And in my parents’ closet
O dildo I would play
I dildo, dildo, dildo
I bought you yesterday
And when desire’s burning
O dildo I will play!
One Tin Soldier
Listen children to a story that was written long ago
’bout a kingdom on a mountain and the valley folk below.
On the mountain was a treasure buried deep beneath a stone
and the valley people swore they’d have it for their very own.
CHORUS: Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of heaven–you can justify it in the end.
There won’t be any trumpets blowin’ come the judgement day
on the bloody morning after–one tin soldier rides away.
So the people of the valley sent a message up the hill
asking for the buried treasure tons of gold for which they’d kill.
Came an answer from the kingdom "With our brothers we will
share all the secrets of our mountain, all the riches buried there."
CHORUS: Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of heaven–you can justify it in the end.
There won’t be any trumpets blowin’ come the judgement day
on the bloody morning after–one tin soldier rides away.
Now the valley cried with anger mount your horses, draw your sword
and they killed the mountain people so they won their just reward.
Now they stood beside the treasure on the mountain, dark and red
turned the stone and looked beneath it "Peace on earth" was all it said.
CHORUS: Go ahead and hate your neighbor, go ahead and cheat a friend.
Do it in the name of heaven–you can justify it in the end.
There won’t be any trumpets blowin’ come the judgement day
on the bloody morning after–one tin soldier rides away.