The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 116)

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Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
In this week’s list from Democratic Undergraound, Ann Coulter says that Joe McCarthy was right in blacklisting Americans, George Bush hides a 25% increase in Medicare premiums, and a Hindu gets mistaken for a Muslim (!!) and beaten up by fans of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

My favorite part of the Conservative Idiots list has to be the key. Especially the little Tinky-winky that symbolizes homophobia.

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Top Ten Conservative Idiots (#113)

Courtesy Democratic Underground. In which Bill O’Reilly threatens to shoot Al Franken because Franken is smarter than he is and made him look bad at a book expo. Aw, poor Bill. Also, the Catholic church accuses gay people of hate crimes for kissing. Gee, that’s so similar to Matt Shepard being beaten to death and tied to a fence post.

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One of the best things I’ve read recently

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A recent post from Ampersand on the subject of racism:

“When I step on someone’s foot, I don’t complain that their toes are overly sensitive, nor do I make elaborate explanations of how I came to step on their foot (“you have to understand, where I meant to put my foot was…”). I apologize and move on. Most of the time, inadvertent racism (homophobia, sexism, etc) should be dealt with the same way.”

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The Magdalene Laundries and the Catholic Church

The Catholic Church has a lot more to answer for than abuse of altar boys. For years the Catholic Church in Ireland enslaved young women in “Magdalene laundries” run by convents, where they were unpaid prisoners forced to work their entire lives for the Church. The last of these laundries closed in 1996.

Ireland’s Dirty Laundry
Wounds Still Fresh For Thousands of Women Enslaved by the Catholic Church
By Hilary Brown and Matt McGarry

C O R K, Ireland, Jan. 26
— A sudden spate of TV exposés, docudramas and a major motion picture have brought to light one of the most shocking episodes in the history of the Catholic Church in Ireland — the existence of the now-notorious “Magdalene laundries,” a sanctified form of slavery.

Operated by the Sisters of the Magdalene Order, the laundries were virtual slave labor camps for generations of young girls thought to be unfit to live in Irish society.

Girls who had become pregnant, even from rape, girls who were illegitimate, or orphaned, or just plain simple-minded, girls who were too pretty and therefore in “moral danger” all ran the risk of being locked up and put to work, without pay, in profit-making, convent laundries, to “wash away their sins.”

They were completely cut off from their families, and many lost touch with them forever.

Stripped of their identities, the girls were given numbers instead of names. They were forbidden to speak, except to pray. If they broke any rule or tried to escape, the nuns beat them over the head with heavy iron keys, put them into solitary confinement or shipped them off to a mental hospital.

Over a period of 150 years, an estimated 30,000 women were forced into this brutal penance, carried out in secret, behind high convent walls.

Towards the end of the 20th century, the laundries began to close, as the power of the Church in Ireland diminished and as social attitudes became less puritanical. Incredibly, the last Magdalene laundry to shut down was in 1996.

‘We Were the Living Dead’

Mary Norris, 69, was committed to a convent laundry in Cork for two years. An articulate, intelligent woman, she was transferred from an orphanage at age 15 because she was “disobedient.” Her number was 30.

On one occasion, she said, the nuns actually ordered the girls to pray for those held in Soviet prison camps, a bitter irony, as she considers the convent laundries “an Irish gulag.”

Though it was clearly very painful for her, she took us around the convent — now abandoned — where she had suffered so much.

“In the winter, it was freezing cold, and in the summer, it was like the desert, it was so hot with the steam,” she said. “We were the living dead. We weren’t treated as human beings, as individuals. We were just part of the workforce. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Guilt by Illegitimacy

Sadie Williams, 64, spent a total of four years in two different convent laundries. She was 14 when she was virtually kidnapped by two women who had determined that she was “in moral danger.” Williams liked to take a walk in the evenings, after working all day at a bed and breakfast in Dublin. She said the women considered her much too attractive to stay out of trouble.

She was only 14 when she ended up in a convent laundry outside town as “Number 100,” and locked into a cell each night. She says she almost never saw daylight.

“Oh, it was dreadful,” she said. “I cried and cried all the time, and kept asking why, why wasn’t I getting out. And I would write begging letters to my mother. When I finally got out, she was already dead and buried three years. But I was never told, even though I was writing, still writing letters to her.”

She has since learned that the nuns stopped all her mail. Her mother wasn’t married, so Sadie was considered to be guilty of the sin of illegitimacy.

No Apology

There have been no direct reparations from the Irish Catholic Church to the tens of thousands of women it used as slave labor. Nor has there been a formal apology. It’s not even known how many victims of the Magdalene laundries are still alive: they are not organized, and many don’t want to talk about this terrible part of their past.

Very few Churchmen in Ireland will comment on the scandal. An exception is Willie Walsh, the Bishop of Killaloe. Over a cup of tea in his residence, he said that it is “a source of pain and shame.”

“These girls were rejected by society, and the Church in some way thought it was giving refuge to these girls,” he says. “I suppose … the Magdalene laundries was in some instances a form of slavery.”

The Rev. Patrick O’Donovan is more outspoken.

“It’s an appalling scandal,” he says. “You could compare them to concentration camps. … The nuns thought they were doing good. … They didn’t realize the damage they were doing.”

Mary Norris has campaigned to have a simple memorial built in the convent where she was held. Thirty names are engraved on a simple headstone; dating from 1876 to 1973. Some women spent their entire lives in these institutions. Having been cut off from their families, they had nowhere to go.

Norris says she no longer hates the nuns who oppressed her. “If I hated them,” she says, “they’d still be winning. They’d still have control over me.”

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Left-Handed People and the Catholic Church

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Did you know that “Centuries ago, the Catholic Church declared left-handed people to be servants of the Devil? For generations, left-handers who attended Catholic schools were forced to become right-handed. They justified this belief on the basis of several bible quotations that stigmatized left-handedness.

There are also quite a few superstitions about being left-handed. It wasn’t until we realized, in the last century or so, that there are legitimate biological reasons for left-handedness, that people were no longer forced to use their right hand. I’m not the only person who sees the parallels between being left-handed and being gay. You can read a lot more about left-handedness at this site.

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Florida Kicked Out of United States

Author Unknown

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time coming.

"We’re all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.

>From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants." "Learn f***ing English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy. "Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it’s counted by robots."

Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States. "After that, they’re on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink. Blue hair F***ers."

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Hillary Looks Ahead

Author Unknown

During the recent visit to Martha’s Vineyard, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her one question. "Will I be acquitted?"

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Quayle Quotes

No Dan Quayle
No Dan Quayle

Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century."
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change."
— 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’."
— 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card.

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
— 11/30/88

"We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
— 9/21/88

"I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made."
— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"Public speaking is very easy."
— to reporters in 10/88

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
— 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
— 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
— 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
— 9/18/90

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between
a mother and child. "
— on Republican family values

"What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
— at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
— on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the
only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
— on the San Francisco earthquake

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may
not occur."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."

"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment.
It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of
Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."

"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

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