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Henry Kissinger

Post author:HFM
Post published:May 6, 2004
Post category:Anecdotes Jokes Journal Politics

I’m not much of an autograph hound. I’ve never really understood the attraction of getting a celebrity to sign a piece of paper for you. I can see it on some things, like baseball. If you happen to catch the record-breaking home run of so-and-so player and you get him/her to sign the ball, that’s sort of like owning a piece of history. That’s kind of cool. But just getting something signed, that seems weird to me. Is it so you can prove you met the person? Because, well, who cares? It’s not like that somehow makes you cool because you met a random person. And the concept really gets lost on my when people start selling autographs, because then you can’t even say you met the person, you just bought something they once put a pen to, and how is that cool, exactly?

The Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 2003
Post category:Gay Jokes GLBT Issues Politics Religion

Author Unknown

(Obviously sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the Teletubby and his cutsey little purse.
He wears a purple outfit, and, dear friends, what’s even worse,
He doesn’t scratch or spit or belch, He doesn’t even curse.
What kind of guy is he?

CHORUS
Tinky Winky is a fairy.
Moral Morons must be wary.
Ignorance like their’s is scary.
And Tinky Winky’s gay.

I have seen his little triangle where it sits upon his head,
And we all know it’s a symbol for the shame that can’t be said.
Now we have to purge this danger or our little boys will wed
A wife whose name is Ed.

CHORUS

His defenders say his purse is nothing but a magic little bag.
That’s a cover-up, as we all know, he’s just a little fag!
We cannot let a Teletubby appear in purple drag,
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Yes, they call him Tinky Winky. Does that name sound straight to you?
If he weren’t homosexual, his clothing would be blue!
He’s subversive and perverted, and his pal’s a Laa-Laa, too.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

We have seen this Tinky Winky near the San Francisco bay.
He’s the marshal of the big parade they hold on Gay Pride Day.
We’ll all join hands and hold a protest as we march the Moron way.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

He’s teaching all our 2 year-olds that gayness is no curse.
He is tearing down the fabric of our moral universe.
If left unchecked, our kids may grow up unperverse.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Jerry Falwell is our hero, he’s the one to lead the fight.
He has seen the truth and spoken out, he’ll lead us further right,
Where we will join the multitude who just ain’t none too bright.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

In a quiet Southern village Jerry was born into a haze,
With an anger in his bosom that would last him all his days.
As he works to teach us hatred, let us go and bash some gays.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Chanukah Song (Version Two)

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 24, 2002
Post category:Holidays Music

Adam Sandler

Time to take out those menorahs!

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
So when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here’s a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder drinks Manachevett’s wine
Then spins a dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein
Guess who gives and receives loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys
Lenny Kravits is half Jewish
Courtney Love is half, too
Put them together
What a funky, bad-ass Jew!

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And, yes, her boobs are real

Put on that yarmulke
It’s time for Chanukah
Two time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffmonica celebrates Chanukah

OJ Simpson, still not a Jew
But guess who is
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo
Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn’t, but now he’s back
Mary Tyler Moore’s husband is Jewish
‘Cause we’re pretty good in the sack

Guess who got barmitzvahed on the PGA Tour
No, I’m not talking about Tiger Woods
I’m talking about Mr. Happy Gilmore
So many Jews are in the showbiz
Bruce Springstein isn’t Jewish
But my mother thinks he is

Tell that ho Lamonica
It’s time to celebrate Chanukah
It’s not pronounced CH-anukah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tiajuanica
If you really, really wanna-ka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Chanukah
Hapyy Chanukah!

Cecelia, you’re breaking my heart

Post author:HFM
Post published:April 25, 2002
Post category:Music

Cecelia, you’re breaking my heart
you’re shaking my confidence daily.
Cecelia, I’m down on my knees
I’m begging you please to come home.
Making love in the afternoon with Cecelia
Up in my bedroom
I get up to wash my face
when I come back to bed
someone’s taken my place.
Cecelia, you’re breaking my heart
you’re shaking my confidence daily.
Cecelia, I’m down on my knees
I’m begging you please to come home.
Jubilation,
She loves me again,
I fall on the floor and I’m laughing
Okay, doesn’t this song seem a bit unfinished? Shouldn’t their be a couple of verses before the “jubilation” verse that explain why she came back? I’m just going to make up my own version of the song so I know what happened in between.

Senor Don Gato

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 2001
Post category:Music

Written By: Unknown

Buy this song on Amazon.com

Oh Senor Don Gato was a cat
On a high red roof Don Gato sat
He went there to read a letter,
Meow, meow, meow
Where the reading light was better,
Meow, meow, meow
‘Twas a love note for Don Gato

I adore you wrote the lady cat
Who was fluffy, white and nice and fat
There was not a sweeter kitty,
Meow, meow, meow
In the country or the city,
Meow, meow, meow
And she said she’d wed Don Gato

Oh, Don Gato jumped so happily
He fell off the roof and broke his knee
Broke his ribs and all his whiskers,
Meow, meow, meow
And his little solar plexus,
Meow, meow, meow
Ay Caramba cried Don Gato

Then the doctors all came on the run
Just to see if something could be done
And they held a consultation,
Meow, meow, meow
About how to save their patient,
Meow, meow, meow
How to save Senor Don Gato

But in spite of everything they tried
Poor Senor Don Gato up and died
And it wasn’t very merry,
Meow, meow, meow
Going to the cemetery,
Meow, meow, meow
For the ending of Don Gato

When the funeral passed the market square
Such a smell of fish was in the air
Though his burial was slated,
Meow, meow, meow
He became reanimated,
Meow, meow, meow
He came back to life, Don Gato

It Ain’t Me

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1999
Post category:Music

Bob Dylan
Another Side of Bob Dylan 1964

Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits — Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits

Go ‘way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I’m not the one you want, babe,
I’m not the one you need.
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain’t me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe,
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I’m not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an’ more,
But it ain’t me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe,
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There’s nothing in here moving
An’ anyway I’m not alone.
You say you’re looking for someone
Who’ll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An’ to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an’ nothing more,
But it ain’t me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe,
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe.

Bad Moon Rising

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1999
Post category:Music

Written by: J. Fogerty
Performed by: Creedence Clearwater Revival

I see a bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin’.
I see bad times today.

CHORUS:
Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.

Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like we’re in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.

Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

Mad World

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1999
Post category:Music

Tears for Fears, Gary Jule

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad World

Shadowboxer

Post author:HFM
Post published:May 6, 1999
Post category:Music

Fiona Apple
CD: Tidal

Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, and now my friend
Oh, you creep up like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let your love abound
And you bring me to my knees
Oh, its evil, babe, the way you let your
grace enrapture me
When well you know, I’d be insane –
to ever let that dirty game recapture me

You made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
I been swinging all around me
‘Cause I don’t know when you’re
gonna make your move
Oh, your gaze is dangerous
And you fill your space so sweet
If I let you get too close
You’ll set your spell on me
So darlin’ I just wanna say
Just in case I don’t come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you
But, oh, it’s so evil, my love, the way you’ve
no reverence to my concern
So I’ll be sure to stay wary of you, love,
to save the pain of
Once my flame and twice my burn

You made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
I been swinging all around me
‘Cause I don’t know when you’re
gonna make your move

And She Was

Post author:HFM
Post published:December 15, 1998
Post category:Music

Talking Heads

And she was lying in the grass
And she could hear the highway breathing
And she could see a nearby factory
She’s making sure she is not dreaming

See the lights of a neighbor’s house
Now she’s starting to rise
Take a minute to concentrate
And she opens up her eyes

{Refrain}
The world was moving, she was
Right there with it, and she was
The world was moving, she was
Floating above it, and she was

And she was

And she was drifting through the backyard
And she was taking off her dress
And she was moving very slowly
Rising up above the earth

Moving into the universe, and she’s
Drifting this way and that
Not touching ground at all, and she’s
Up above the yard

{Refrain}

And she was glad about it, no doubt about it
She isn’t sure about what she’s done
No time to think about what to tell them
No time to think about what she’s done
And she was, hey-hey, hey-hey-hey

And she was looking at herself
And things were looking like a movie
She had a pleasant elevation
She’s moving out in all directions, oh oh oh

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

{Refrain}

Joining the world of
Missing persons, and she was
Missing enough to
Feel alright, and she was
And she was (8X)