Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown

He had only one major publication.

It was in Hebrew.

It had no references.

It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

Some say he had his son teach the class.

He expelled his first two students for learning.

Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Continue ReadingWhy God Never Received a Ph.D.

Coffee 23

Author Unknown

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha’s forever.

Amen

Continue ReadingCoffee 23

A Visit to the Pope

Author Unknown

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What’s up?"

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We’re taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That’s rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What’d he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just "Where’d you get that awful haircut?"

Continue ReadingA Visit to the Pope

The First Sermon

Author Unknown

The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly." The next week the young priest put his elder’s suggestion into practice and really talking up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again."

FIRST: Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down.

SECOND: There are 10 commandments, not 12.

THIRD: There are 12 disciples, not 10.

FOURTH: David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

FIFTH: We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as "The late J.C. and the boys."

SIXTH: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

SEVENTH: We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T."

EIGHTH: The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

NINTH: The recomended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!"

TENTH: And last, but not least, it’s the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the Cherry!!!"

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The Preacher’s Ass

Author Unknown

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.

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Parrot Problems

Author Unknown

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That’s terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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Top 12 Sexual Lines in Star Wars

1. She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.

2. Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!

3. Look at the size of that thing!

4. Sorry about the mess…

5. You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.

6. Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?

7. You’ve got something jammed in here real good.

8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed!

9. Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?

10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care WHAT you smell!

11. You’re all clear, kid. Now let’s blow this thing and go home!

12. Get on top of it!

And Top 11 Sexual Lines in The Empire Strikes Back:

1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!

2. Possible he came in through the south entrance.

3. I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?

4. Hurry up, golden rod…

5. That’s OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while.

6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…

7. Control, control…You must learn control!

8. There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.

9. Size matters not…judge me by my size do you?

10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!

11. Would it help if I got out and pushed?

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How To Write Good

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by Frank L. Visco and others

Always avoid alliteration.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid clichés like the plague — they’re old hat.

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

Parenthentical words however must be enclosed in commas.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions aren’t necessary.

Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.

Avoid archaeic spellings too.

Understatement is always best.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

One word- sentences? Eliminate. Always!

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice should not be used.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors — even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Don’t use commas, that, are not, necessary.

Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.

Never use a big word where a diminutive alternative would suffice.

Subject and verb always has to agree.

Be more or less specific.

Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.

Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errers.

Don’t repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.

Don’t be redundant.

Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Don’t never use no double negatives.

Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Eschew obfuscation.

No sentence fragments.

Don’t indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

The adverb always follows the verb.

And always be sure to finish what

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How To Determine YOUR Star Wars Name

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Author Unknown

For your new first name:

1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name

2. and add the first 2 letters of your last name.

For your new last name:

3. Take the first 2 letters of your Mom’s maiden name

4. and add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

How to determine your Star Wars honorific title:

1. Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them

2. Add the first three letters of the make or model of the your first car

3. Insert the word "of"

4. Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

This would make me:

Stemi Grdes, trafox of Claritin

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English Subtitles

From Harper’s Magazine July issue

From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

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