humor

Author Unknown

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends,that he says to the mermaid: "Quintiple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider."

The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view on the universe…won’t you ask for something else…a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it’s usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."

And he became a woman.

Author Unknown

A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What’ll it be?" The man says, "I’ll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What’s yours?" "I’ll have a pint as well." says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, "I’ll have a half, but I ain’t payin’!" So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That’ll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman’s surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I’ll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain’t payin’!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it’s close to last orders. I’ll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I’ll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I’ll have a small scotch…but I ain’t payin’!" The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That’ll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket.

As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can’t contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there’s something I must know…how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket…every time?" "Well", says the man, "it’s a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes." "That’s fantastic," says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"

"If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there." "That’s brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That’s right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir… err, your friends there… we don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in here…?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I ever did, but I’m stuck with ’em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Author Unknown

A guy has been traveling on business all day. He checks into a hotel and tells the man behind the desk he needs a single room for the night.

As the clerk fills out the paperwork the man sees this beautiful girl sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. A few minutes later he comes back with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he tells the clerk, "what a surprise, this is my wife and I’ll now need a double room for the night instead."

The next morning he comes down to settle the bill and finds it to be over $3,000.

"What’s the hell’s the meaning of this? I was only here one night," the man tells the clerk.

"Yes, but your wife has been here for 3 weeks," The clerk replies.

Author Unknown

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theater where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, golden showers…and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I’m only here for the music."

The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "We’re here to see our dog."