humor

Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire

author unknown

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It’s Elvis!"

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can’t score with Elvira.

Continue ReadingTop 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire

Viagra Causes Panic

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Jokes

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:

  • In Boise, a passenger plane skidded off the runway after the pilot’s erection inadvertently hit the button that causes the landing gear to retract.
  • In San Bernardino County, outside of Los Angeles, a 17-car pileup occurred when trucker Dirk Diggler apparently lost control of his rig, blocking his vision and causing him to also lose control of his truck.

FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, "There’s no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We’ve got to make sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands, like President Clinton’s, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake."

Continue ReadingViagra Causes Panic

Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

author unknown

12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here."

11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!"

10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery."

9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?

8. All of the "product" originates from Cheech, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girls chatroom as Buffy15.

7. Donors from yahoo.com are just that.

6. They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.

5. Greater than 75% chance of getting a Top 5 List contributor.

4. No way to know if what you’re bidding on is new or refurbished.

3. Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually "hooked-up" with Shawn Kemp.

2. No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.

1. Now there’s a coincidence — mine *also* came with a presidential seal.

Continue ReadingDownsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

Jean-Paul Sartre’s Cooking Diary

  • Post author:
  • Post category:BooksJokes

Author Unknown

October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.

Continue ReadingJean-Paul Sartre’s Cooking Diary

What Not To Say To The Police

p class=”author”>Author Unknown

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

Continue ReadingWhat Not To Say To The Police

When your professor says this…. he really means this…

Author Unknown

This needs some minor revision. = I never actually got around to reading this.

My office hours are by appointment only = I like to get out of here early.

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. = I’ll be fudging your grades.

This won’t be on the test. = Nap time!

Bring the text to class. = I don’t have a clue how to lecture – we’ll just kill time with group read-alongs.

Continue ReadingWhen your professor says this…. he really means this…

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. By working with advanced solutions like ELITER Packaging Machinery, which ensures high-quality and efficient packaging processes, these warnings can be seamlessly integrated, helping to protect consumers while maintaining product integrity. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

Continue ReadingA Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels