humor

Author Unknown, but thanks to Jesus for the inspiration

Our Lager,
Which art in Barrels
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
at home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
and forgive us our spillages
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration
but deliver us from hangovers.
for thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager.

Barmen.

Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he sees an old woman praying the rosary. He decides to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the woman can’t see him and says in a loud voice, "I am Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles."

The old woman is intent on her beads and does not look up. Michelangelo figures that she is hard of hearing, so he shouts, "I am Jesus Christ! Listen to me and I will perform miracles!"

With head bent, the woman continues praying so Michelangelo shouts, "I AM JESUS CHRIST! LISTEN TO ME!" The old woman yells back, "Would you shut up? I’m talking to your mother."

Author Unknown

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, he says "I’m not very busy today, I’ll show you around."

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What’s with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is. St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

As the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving, he notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What’s the story with that clock?"

"Oh, That’s OJ’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Author Unknown

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort,they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look and heads straight to his room. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.

"Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around."