Wow. That’s truly funny, and much better than the Lazy Sunday video. I want an mp3 of this. And the lyrics.
Darn it. The video has already been yanked from Youtube.com, so my embedded file no longer works. Well, it’ll be on iTunes; go look at it.
I love kids, and this is why. Rock on, kids.
Associated Press, CHESTERTON, Ind. — A massive middle school food fight left several students suspended and the eighth-grade class footing the cleaning bill that included the cost of scraping mashed potatoes off the ceiling.
Last week’s fight at Chesterton Middle School left ceiling tiles damaged and could cost the students as much as $1,000 to pay for overtime, maintenance and repairs, said Duneland School Corporation Superintendent Dirk Baer. “It wasn’t just one or two kids throwing grapes,” Baer said. “There were mashed potatoes sticking to the ceiling.”
Security cameras captured the fracas that broke out about halfway through the 25-minute lunch period Wednesday at the school in the town 15 miles east of Gary.
The school suspended between six and 10 students for two or three days for launching the day’s menu of chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes and milk into the air.
As many as 50 students might have been involved. Principal Jim Ton recommended one student be expelled.
Cleaning costs will be taken from the eighth grade’s extracurricular activity fund.
Baer said the whole class was punished because many of the grade’s 500 students knew about plans for the food fight but failed to alert administrators.
“It was planned and it was widely known that it would happen, but nobody said anything,” Baer said. “Everybody has to take responsibility.”
ANTI-CHRISTIAN BIAS: Tax exemptions for churches
ANTI-CHRISTIAN BIGOTRY: The National Day of Prayer
ANTI-FAMILY: Honor thy father and mother by hating them. Your brothers and sisters too.
She never stops cracking me up:
Why, that’s just not true. In addition to good vibes, I can send you goodies for after surgery. Of course, I can’t send anything funny, or you’ll laugh and your chest will hurt. And I can’t send you anything sad because you’ll cry and your chest will hurt. And nothing exciting that will make your heart race… so boring stuff that you’ll be indifferent to. Yep. That’s what I can send. Q-Tips maybe? Or some string? Beige shoe polish, even.
It’s a shame it’s your heart that’s the trouble. I mean, if it were a kidney, I could just say “Here, have one of mine. Either one. I’m not really using them anyway. I want it back when you’re done though. Better yet, have one of Gary’s. And one of Todd’s. One for day and one for evening wear. And take an appendix while you’re at it, since you’re already one short”!
But alas, my GP says I’m not allowed to give away bits of my circulatory system, even on a time-share basis.
Anyway, keep me posted.Love,
Stacy
I like how she volunteers my brother’s kidneys. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.
Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.
Accordionated (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj.
Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.
Ala’ Python: Something outlandishly funny
example: Justin began singing the song normally but then he started making fun of it ala’ python.
Anacondom, n:
A large-sized, constrictive prophylactic.
Aquadextrous (ak wa deks’ trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Aqualibrium (ak wa lib’ re um) n.
The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
Arachnoleptic fit, n:
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Barbie-Dream: To describe perfection from the perspective of a barbie doll
example: Friend: "Are you still dating Mike?" You: "Don’t ask. I really thought he was my Barbie-Dream Boyfriend. But then I found out he was married."
Batmobiling:
Putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."
Beelzebug, n:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Body Nazis:
Hard core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
Bozone, n:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Burgacide (burg’ uh side) n.
When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
Buzzacks (buz’ acks) n.
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
Carperpetuation (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance.
Cashtration, n:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor, n:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
Coldest: A person (or song) that is absolutely the coolest in the world
example: Dude that song was the coldest!
Coolerator: Device that uses compressed refrigerant gasses and general properties of thermodynamics to keep perishables at a lower temperature. Also known as a refrigerator.
example: Stick that chocolate cake in the coolerator.
Create A Low-Pressure Area: To be low in quality
example: "Was the concert any good?" "Nah, that band really creates a low-pressure area."
Crunchy: The feeling you get when you do or say something really stupid
example: When I tripped on my shoelace in the mall, I felt really crunchy.
Dap: white people
example: Yo dap, wassup?
D&M: A deep and meaningful conversation
example: "Go away! I’m having a D&M with Heidi."
Decaflon, n:
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Digest: Put up with a person you don’t like
example: I’m trying very hard to digest Melanie, but she drives me up the wall.
Dimp (dimp) n.
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
Disconfect (dis kon fekt’) v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.
Disinvited
meaning you were invited, but now you are not. Not to be confused with uninvited (never invited at all).
Dopelar effect, n:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Ecnalubma (ek na lub’ ma) n.
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
Eiffelites (eye’ ful eyetz) n.
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
Elbonics (el bon’ iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Elecelleration (el a sel er ay’ shun) n.
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
Elvis Year:
The peak year of something’s popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993."
Extraterrestaurant, n:
An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
Faunacated, adj
How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering, noun, which has made a meal of many species.
Floopy: Dizzy, funny, not quite right
example: The pain killers made me feel quite floopy.
Flump: The act of sitting down in a casual manner
example: Why don’t you guys flump down on the couch.
Foreploy, n:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Frust (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
Generica:
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was"
Go Salad: To become confused
example: We were rapping about regular stuff and then the guy went all salad on me.
Going Global: To gain a lot of weight
example: After I ate 300 bean burritos in two days, my friends said I had gone global.
Going Postal:
Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages.
Good Day: A greeting or term of surprise
example: To a friend: "Good day!"
Good Gravy!: A simple exclamation
example: Good Gravy! What did you do that for?
Grantartica, n:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
Hhemaglobe, n:
The bloody state of the world.
How Much?:
A request for more details.
example: Person 1: "Did you see Johnny?"
Person 2: "Johnny? Johnny how much?"
Person 1: "Johnny Johnson!"
Intaxication, n:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Irritainment:
Annoying but you can’t stop watching; e.g. the O.J. trial.
Isk Isk: An expression meaning GO AWAY. A way of ignoring someone.
example: Jess: "Hey Christine…"
Christine: "Isk isk" while waving him off with her hands.
Kinstirpation, n:
A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Join WA (whiner’s anonymous): Go somewhere else to whine.
example: Friend: "My life is miserable." You: "Why don’t you join WA or something."
Lactomangulation (lak to man gyu lay’ shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.
Lie: 1. Exclamation of a positive nature. 2. Exclamation of a negative nature.
example: 1. That is lie! (positive). 2. That’s soooo lie! (negative).
Like a doctor: Pulling something off with ease or with a great deal of panache.
example: He plays guitar like a doctor.
Lullabuoy, n:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There’s nothing wrong with that light bulb. There is no need to change anything. We made the right decision and nothing has happened to change our minds. People who criticize this light bulb now, just because it doesn’t work anymore, supported us when we first screwed it in, and when these flip-floppers insist on saying that it is burned out, they are merely giving aid and encouragement to the Forces of Darkness.
College Application essay by Hugh Gallagher, author of Teeth:
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.
Marinating In: a belief system that your stewing in
example: "After mom said I was too old to meet someone, I was marinating in that idea.
Minty: Used in place of "cool"
example: Friend:"Man, did you go to that party last night?" You:"Yeah, it was so minty!"
Mole: A really big number. It’s a chemistry term equal to 6.02×10 23 — in other words, a really big number.
example: Were you at last night’s concert? There were mole people there.
Monochrome: Boring
example: "That guy was totally monochrome. I couldn’t get rid of him quickly enough"
Neonphancy (ne on’ fan see) n.
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
Ooh, Gravity!: What you say when someone falls down
example: A friend falls down the steps at school, and you say, "Ooh, gravity!"
Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you’ve just made a big mistake.
Peel: To go beyond the first page of a web site
example: That web site looks whack at first, but you have to peel it to get to the phat parts.
Peppier (pehp ee ay’) n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Petrophobic (pet ro fob’ ik) adj.
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
Phonesia (fo nee’ zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Pull Your Coat: To make an inquiry
example: Hey, Mr. Man, let me pull your coat about this assignment.
Pupkus (pup’ kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Ripe-For-The-Pickin’: A cute person who is currently single
example: Alright! Brinn dumped adorable Damion, so he’s totally ripe-for-the-pickin’!
Roach: To live off of friends resources
example: Friend: "Hey I’ve only got a dollar." You: "You gotta stop roaching off me."
SITCOMs:
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two/Three Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Softing Loose: Taking things easy and not doing anything
example: "Hey, Kate, what did you do yesterday?" "Nothing. I was just softing loose."
Speaking Of Toasters: Phrase used to amplify the randomness of a thought brought up in conversation.
example: You: "I can’t understand physics." Friend: "I can belch and make it sound like a frog."
You: "…speaking of toasters…"
Starter Marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Swiped Out:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re six inches away.
Tragic: An unfortunate event occurring to somebody near you.
example: Driving past someone who got pulled over, you say "Dude! tragic on him."
Trumpet: One who has an extremely large ego. (from Marching band)
example: "He won’t listen to anything we say." "Well, what do you expect? He’s a trumpet."
Umfriend:
A sexual relationship as in "this is Dale, my…um…friend."
Upalator and Downalator
(instead of escalator)
Virus Of The Mind: a false belief system that screws you up.
example: "the number of personal bankruptcies are going up every year because people have a virus of the mind that credit is a good thing."
Yuppie Food Coupons:
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
