Falwell – commonplacebook.com

My Past Falwell Greatest Hits

Post author:HFM
Post published:May 16, 2007
Post category:Favorite Quotes GLBT Issues Religion

Joke posts about Falwell I posted in the past that are getting traffic now that he’s died. No guarantees on the quality of the jokes…

The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky

5 Reasons Tinky Winky Can’t Be Gay

The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay

The Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV

And while we’re at it, some of Jerry’s Actual Greatest Hits—quotes from the man himself.

“AIDS is God’s punishment to gays.” – Jerry Falwell

“If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.”

“I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won’t have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!”

“Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.”

“There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.”

“AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh’s charioteers.”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.”

“The whole (global warming) thing is created to destroy America’s free enterprise system and our economic stability.”

“(9/11 is the result of) throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad…I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America…I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen.”

“The idea that religion and politics don’t mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.”

“It appears that America’s anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men’s movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.”

“When lawlessness is abroad in the land, the same thing will happen here that happened in Nazi Germany. Many of those people involved in Adolph Hitler were Satanists. Many of them were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together.” – 700 Club, 1-21-93
“You know, one of the great misnomers in our society is the term `gay.’ That somebody who is involved in something that is leading to suicide, where the V.D. rate is 11 times that of others, which are almost driven and ashamed and fearful and confused and psychotic and all the others that we read about plaguing this part of our society. The term gay is the most serious misuse of the English language. They’re not gay, they’re very, very depressed and miserable.” – 700 Club, 5-6-82

“When you see the rise of blatant open homosexuality and lesbianism, what you also know is God has given a society up…and we’re at the mercy of the elements, the mercy of war, the mercy of economic disaster.” – 700 Club, 4-26-93

“The radical left is doing everything they can to destroy the moral fiber of America. They want to do away with the family. I am absolutely persuaded one of the reasons so many lesbians are at the forefront of the pro-choice movement is because being a mother is the unique characteristic of womanhood, and these lesbians will never be mothers naturally, so they don’t want anybody else to have that privilege either.” – 700 Club, 5-18-93

“[Vice President Gore] recently praised the lesbian actress who plays ‘Ellen’ on ABC Television…I believe he may even put children, young people, and adults in danger by his public endorsement of deviant homosexual behavior…Our elected leaders are attempting to glorify and legitimize perversion.” People for the American Way, “Hostile Climate”, 1998

Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 15, 2003
Post category:Current Events Gay Jokes GLBT Issues Politics Religion

10. Angels Shouldn’t Go Around "Touching" Anyone

9. Mister Rogers’ sissy loafers.

8. "Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane" are lesbian, gay, gay and lesbian.

7. Bastards at MTV didn’t even look at my "Road Rules" audition tape.

6. If you don’t pay the bill on time, Playboy channel gets all fuzzy.

5. Fox won’t even consider "World’s Wildest Baptism Accidents"

4. History Channel only presents negative aspects of Spanish Inquisition

3. I’m busting my ass on public access while some joker in a glass church is getting Super Bowl numbers

2. Why don’t Scully and Mulder "do it" already and get it over with

1. Dick Van Dyke

The Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 2003
Post category:Gay Jokes GLBT Issues Politics Religion

Author Unknown

(Obviously sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the Teletubby and his cutsey little purse.
He wears a purple outfit, and, dear friends, what’s even worse,
He doesn’t scratch or spit or belch, He doesn’t even curse.
What kind of guy is he?

CHORUS
Tinky Winky is a fairy.
Moral Morons must be wary.
Ignorance like their’s is scary.
And Tinky Winky’s gay.

I have seen his little triangle where it sits upon his head,
And we all know it’s a symbol for the shame that can’t be said.
Now we have to purge this danger or our little boys will wed
A wife whose name is Ed.

CHORUS

His defenders say his purse is nothing but a magic little bag.
That’s a cover-up, as we all know, he’s just a little fag!
We cannot let a Teletubby appear in purple drag,
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Yes, they call him Tinky Winky. Does that name sound straight to you?
If he weren’t homosexual, his clothing would be blue!
He’s subversive and perverted, and his pal’s a Laa-Laa, too.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

We have seen this Tinky Winky near the San Francisco bay.
He’s the marshal of the big parade they hold on Gay Pride Day.
We’ll all join hands and hold a protest as we march the Moron way.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

He’s teaching all our 2 year-olds that gayness is no curse.
He is tearing down the fabric of our moral universe.
If left unchecked, our kids may grow up unperverse.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Jerry Falwell is our hero, he’s the one to lead the fight.
He has seen the truth and spoken out, he’ll lead us further right,
Where we will join the multitude who just ain’t none too bright.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

In a quiet Southern village Jerry was born into a haze,
With an anger in his bosom that would last him all his days.
As he works to teach us hatred, let us go and bash some gays.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 2003
Post category:Funny Lists Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

Fonzie: has an "office" in the men’s room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
If you’re drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and… Okay, maybe Falwell’s got something here.
Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
"Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I’m hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he’d go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C’mon!
Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
"Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
and Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay…
David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.

5 Reasons Tinky Winky Can’t Be Gay

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1997
Post category:Funny Lists Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

The Purse doesn’t match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really, clash-o-rama.
That headpiece. A gold star for its FABULOUS height, but it really doesn’t have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. It absolutely demands bugle beads, or something lacey.
He hangs out in a meadow. Not a bush or tree in sight. A bit too daring for anything but the quickest quickie.
He’s a really bad dancer.
The name Tinky Winky. I don’t know a gay man on the planet who would go with a name like that…. HELLO, it screams "I’m small down there and I don’t care who knows it."

The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky

Post author:HFM
Post published:February 10, 1996
Post category:Gay Jokes

Author Unknown

Tinky Winky, gay? Au contraire. As any person of faith who has ever watched Teletubbies understands, Tinky Winky is actually a powerful symbol of God’s word made flesh. Or rather, plush.

First of all, Tinky Winky is purple, the color of royalty and the ancient priesthood. As it is written in The Song of Songs, "Thine head upon thee [is] like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king [is] held in the galleries." Unlike pink and lavender, purple is a noble hue. While The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and the National Organization of Women have attempted to co-opt it, its history as the color of kings and priests cannot be erased. Tinky Winky’s fur is thus meant to remind us of the presence of the divine in our lives.

The triangular antenna on Tinky Winky’s head represents the three sides of the Holy Trinity: Abba, Christ, and Holy Spirit. The intent is clearly to tell us to tune our own spiritual antenna to God, to "be attuned" to God’s teachings. As for Tinky Winky’s purse, or "magic bag," this feminine attribute is obviously meant to hearken back to King David, who also carried a little bag. As is written in 1 Samuel 17:40, "Then he [David] took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag." From this bag came the stone that killed Goliath. Who knows what heroic tools will come from the bag of Tinky Winky? The show has been on the air for less than a year.

The similarities between David and Tinky Winky go further. David carried his lyre, a stringed harp-like girlie instrument, constantly, and like Tinky Winky, he was constantly singing little songs. "This is my only request," he sang, "To dwell in the House of YHWH all the days of my life, to behold the sweetness of Godde and to be like a visitor in Godde’s sanctuary." Tinky Winky, meanwhile, sings, "Pinkle Winkle, Tinky Winky" and dwells in the Tubbytronic Superdome. I think the parallels are obvious.

I acknowledge one problematic element to this Teletubby-Davidian reading. David’s relationship with his friend Jonathan was far, far closer than that of Tinky Winky and Dipsy, the only other male Teletubby. David said of Jonathan, "Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women" (2 Samuel 1:26). "Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt" (1 Samuel 18:3-4) "…And they kissed one another and wept with one another, until David exceeded" (1 Samuel 20:41). As we all know, Tinky Winky is only casually friendly with Dipsy; he reserves his greatest affection for Po, the daintiest, highest-voiced, femme-iest Teletubby. Future scholars will, we hope, work through this discrepancy.

Scholars believe that from the seed of David will come the Messiah. (The Messiah is not to be confused with the Antichrist — also a descendant of David — a Jewish man who is probably alive today, according to Falwell. In fact, he is probably Adam Sandler.) It is to be trusted that similar greatness will spring from the fluffy loins of Tinky Winky. A close analysis of Tinky Winky’s activities — eating Tubby Custard, jumping, dancing happy dances, chasing balloons, making kites, demanding hugs, and consorting with the Noo Noo (a vacuum cleaner) — has much to reveal about us, our values, and our relationship to popular culture.