dictionaries

Say what now?

Alternate meanings for common words.

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn’-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol’\:
A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips’\:
What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

>Heroes \hee’-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left’ bangk’\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis’-tee\:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par’-u-doks\:
Two physicians.

Parasites \par’-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm’-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po’-lur-ize\:
What penguins see with.

Primate \pri’-mat\:
Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leef’\:
What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub’-er-nek\:
What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem’-stres\:
Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel’-fish\:
What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood’\:
Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood’-a-fed\:
Bringing litigation against a government official.

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Politically correct cat definitions

My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.
My cat is not a “shedding machine;” she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile;” she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.
My cat is not a chatterbox; she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict; she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.
My cat is not a pest; she is attention deprived.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil; she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic; she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not lazy; he is motivationally challenged.
My cat is not underfoot; she is shepherding me to my next destination, the food dish.

Continue ReadingPolitically correct cat definitions