Light Bulb Jokes

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It Takes 300:

  • 12 to sit on the board which appoints the nominating and personnel committee.
  • 5 to sit on the the nominating and personnel committee which appoints the House committee.
  • 8 to sit on the house committee which appoints the light bulb changing committee.
  • 4 to sit on the light bulb-changing committee which chooses who will screw in the light bulb. 3 of those 4 then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation.
  • After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in her day the lit chalice was quite enough.

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb. During next Sunday’s service, we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

NONE! We don’t screw in light bulbs. We screw in sleeping bags.

Continue ReadingHow many Unitarian Universalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Author Unknown

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define "chicken" please?

DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That’s what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken 2000.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road but why it crossed, I’ve not been told.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the bequest of the President of the United States in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.

OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one???

Continue ReadingWhy Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

  1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
  2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
  3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
  4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
  5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
  6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
  7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
  8. One to viciously smear #7;
  9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
  10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Continue ReadingHow many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

How Does a Chicken Cross the Road?

Author Unknown

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken:
It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road …

C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken:
Can’t cluck, can’t fly, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road
in your pocket !

Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken:
Don’t you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there’s no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it’s finished, assuming he’s re-elected and the Republicans don’t gut the program.

COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

Continue ReadingHow Does a Chicken Cross the Road?

Bush Dimbulbs

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There’s nothing wrong with that light bulb. There is no need to change anything. We made the right decision and nothing has happened to change our minds. People who criticize this light bulb now, just because it doesn’t work anymore, supported us when we first screwed it in, and when these flip-floppers insist on saying that it is burned out, they are merely giving aid and encouragement to the Forces of Darkness.

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How the Bushies Change a Light Bulb

How many members of the Bush administration are required to replace the proverbial light bulb?
The Answer is SEVEN:
(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;
(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;
(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;
(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;
(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;
(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country

Continue ReadingHow the Bushies Change a Light Bulb

How Many List Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
Thirteen to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs.”
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again!

Continue ReadingHow Many List Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

What’s Your Sign? (And how many of you does it take to change a light bulb?)

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leo’s don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Umm, two. Or maybe one. No — on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn: I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so…

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Continue ReadingWhat’s Your Sign? (And how many of you does it take to change a light bulb?)