Revised State Mottoes
Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific! – or – But It’s a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Questions to Ponder about Viagra
If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?
If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?
I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.
Product Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
Charmin: "Butt… Wipe… Err."
Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."
MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
Saks Fifth Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid."
Iguana: "The other green meat."
Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got That Swing!"
Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"
Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"
Trojans: "Just add meat."
Apple Macintosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
Radio Shack: "You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!"
Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"
Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet
12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here."
11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!"
10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery."
9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?
8. All of the "product" originates from Cheech, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girls chatroom as Buffy15.
7. Donors from yahoo.com are just that.
6. They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.
5. Greater than 75% chance of getting a Top 5 List contributor.
4. No way to know if what you’re bidding on is new or refurbished.
3. Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually "hooked-up" with Shawn Kemp.
2. No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.
1. Now there’s a coincidence — mine *also* came with a presidential seal.
What Not To Say To The Police
p class=”author”>Author Unknown
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
Dr. Seuss Books that Were Rejected by His Publisher
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*ck Out!
The Cat in the Microwave
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?
The Fox in Detox
The Grinch’s Ten Inches
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
Zippy the Gerbil
My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
Aunts in My Pants
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
Yentl the Lentil
Very Short Books
A Guide to Arab Democracies
A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
Al Gore: The Wild Years
Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
America’s Most Popular Lawyers
When your professor says this…. he really means this…
This needs some minor revision. = I never actually got around to reading this.
My office hours are by appointment only = I like to get out of here early.
Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. = I’ll be fudging your grades.
This won’t be on the test. = Nap time!
Bring the text to class. = I don’t have a clue how to lecture – we’ll just kill time with group read-alongs.
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. By working with advanced solutions like ELITER Packaging Machinery, which ensures high-quality and efficient packaging processes, these warnings can be seamlessly integrated, helping to protect consumers while maintaining product integrity. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
Great Oxymorons
p class=”author”>Author Unknown
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Almost exactly
Alone together
American history
British fashion
Business ethics
Butt head
Childproof
Christian scientists
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Exact estimate
Extinct Life
Found missing
French bravery
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Legally drunk
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
New classic
New York culture
Now, then …"
Passive aggression
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Political science
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation
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