Politics

Florida Kicked Out of United States

Author Unknown

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time coming.

"We’re all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.

>From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants." "Learn f***ing English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy. "Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it’s counted by robots."

Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States. "After that, they’re on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink. Blue hair F***ers."

Continue ReadingFlorida Kicked Out of United States

Gay Indy Mailing List

On the bright side – I saw two movies this past weekend – Dogma and Run Lola Run. Both were good.

On the dark side – It surprises me sometimes what other people find to be important. I say this because I’m on the GayIndy mailing list, and it’s kind of a joke. The mailing list, I mean, not the fact that I’m on it.

The list has been shut down for a week or so because of controversy — and as soon as it started back up again, everyone’s posting information to it as though nothing has happened.

The controversy was about some of the gay groups in Indianapolis and how they don’t give information to the community about how they spend money or what their goals are or what they plan to accomplish or whether they’ve met any of their goals, etc. Which wouldn’t be a big deal except that they get on the news and talk to public officials claiming that they’re “community leaders” and that they represent people like me.

One of the people raising these questions was me, and one was Bruce Seybert, a publisher of one of the gay magazines in town. After the debate started heating up, someone started to get on the mailing list with an anonymous email address from yahoo and post libelous insults about Bruce.

That’s why they shut down the list; because of the unhealthy tone people were unsubscribing. But the questions raised have never been answered, and it looks as though they never will, because people are posting frivolous information to it.

I despair of Indianapolis sometimes. I think I’m going home to read some poetry.

Continue ReadingGay Indy Mailing List

Top Ten Ways The White House Would Change If Bush Were Elected President

Al Gore Campaign

On Thursday, George W. Bush made an appearance on the David Letterman show and read his list of the top 10 ways the White House would change if he were elected president. In the interest of balanced reporting, the Gore campaign offered its own list of "changes" voters can expect if Governor Bush is elected.

10) The administration that "looks like America" is replaced by the administration that "looks like 1990."

9) Bridge to the 21st Century dismantled to make room for oil derricks

8) Replace Council of Economic Advisers with Cadre of Fuzzy Mathematicians

7) Rose Garden to be kept beautiful by the chemical industry

6) Secret diplomatic packages disguised as GAP pants

5) State Dinners become State Lunches so as not to interfere with bedtime

4) Replace West Wing with right wing

3) Outlaw "Washington" terms like "insurance," "health care," "solvency," "economic growth," "clean water," and "campaign finance reform."

2) Install cubicle in the Oval Office so Charlton Heston can have "some personal space."

1) There is no number one. Under Governor Bush’s tax plan, only the wealthiest 1 percent can afford a full Top 10 list.

Continue ReadingTop Ten Ways The White House Would Change If Bush Were Elected President

Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

author unknown

12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here."

11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!"

10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery."

9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?

8. All of the "product" originates from Cheech, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girls chatroom as Buffy15.

7. Donors from yahoo.com are just that.

6. They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.

5. Greater than 75% chance of getting a Top 5 List contributor.

4. No way to know if what you’re bidding on is new or refurbished.

3. Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually "hooked-up" with Shawn Kemp.

2. No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.

1. Now there’s a coincidence — mine *also* came with a presidential seal.

Continue ReadingDownsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

Hillary Looks Ahead

Author Unknown

During the recent visit to Martha’s Vineyard, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her one question. "Will I be acquitted?"

Continue ReadingHillary Looks Ahead

Quayle Quotes

No Dan Quayle
No Dan Quayle

Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century."
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change."
— 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’."
— 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card.

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
— 11/30/88

"We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
— 9/21/88

"I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made."
— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"Public speaking is very easy."
— to reporters in 10/88

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
— 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
— 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
— 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
— 9/18/90

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between
a mother and child. "
— on Republican family values

"What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
— at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
— on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the
only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
— on the San Francisco earthquake

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may
not occur."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."

"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment.
It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of
Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."

"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

Continue ReadingQuayle Quotes

Presidential Comparisons

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

The President’s biggest fear…

Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore

Complaints toward the President…

Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns

Their Vice-Presidents…

Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek

Presidential qualities…

Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her

Things the President couldn’t explain…

Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

Presidential Nicknames…

Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy

and finally, Presidential excuses…

Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn’t get in her nook

Continue ReadingPresidential Comparisons

Seuss on Clinton – extended remix

If Dr. Seuss were President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this.

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife

Now, that Miss Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did, I don’t remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me, Mr. Starr

I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, ever did inhale

Continue ReadingSeuss on Clinton – extended remix

Clinton Family Tree

Author Unknown

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I’m awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father."

Continue ReadingClinton Family Tree

Same-Sex Marriage

The biggest fallacy in this debate is the belief that gay men and lesbians aren’t able to get married right now. Not only are there thousands of married gay and lesbian couples, they’ve been getting married for decades.

There are several aspects to marriage; among them a legal aspect, a religious aspect, a social aspect, and a family aspect. But at the heart of all of these layers, there is the vow; the commitment that two people make to live in love, respect, and fidelity.

Gay men and lesbians have been making and keeping that vow faithfully for a long time. It is only recently that they have started to incorporate other aspects of marriage into that vow by including their communities and families in their commitment ceremonies. And there are at ten ministers here in Indianapolis that perform religious commitment ceremonies for gay and lesbian couples, and hundreds of local couples that have participated in those ceremonies.

In pursuing the right to have our marriages legally recognized, gay men and lesbians aren’t asking for a special right or consideration.

What we do want is to legally protect our unions in the same way heterosexual couples do; to have the benefit of wills and trusts, to be able to see our spouse in the hospital in an emergency. We want to protect our families from harm, as loving, caring people do.

No matter what happens in Hawaii, or how many laws banning same-sex unions get passed in different states, gay and lesbian marriage will not be prevented because it already exists, and will continue to. This issue will never disappear, and eventually common sense will prevail. The loving unions that we share will be recognized for what they are.

I have to object to an uneducated and extremely offensive quote from your article: “But others point out that marriage could encourage homosexual couples to build stable, mutually supportive lives.” This implies that we can’t or don’t do that now, and perpetuates the false stereotype that gay men and lesbians are more promiscuous than their heterosexual counterparts.

Continue ReadingSame-Sex Marriage