Interlude

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Amy Lowell
From the Book: Complete Poetical Works of Amy Lowell

When I have baked white cakes
And grated green almonds to spread on them;
When I have picked the green crowns from the strawberries
And piled them, cone-pointed, in a blue and yellow platter;
When I have smoothed the seam of the linen I have been working;
What then?
To-morrow it will be the same:
Cakes and strawberries,
And needles in and out of cloth
If the sun is beautiful on bricks and pewter,
How much more beautiful is the moon,
Slanting down the gauffered branches of a plum-tree;
The moon
Wavering across a bed of tulips;
The moon,
Still,
Upon your face.
You shine, Beloved,
You and the moon.
But which is the reflection?
The clock is striking eleven.
I think, when we have shut and barred the door,
The night will be dark
Outside.

Continue ReadingInterlude

Decade

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Amy Lowell
From the Book: Complete Poetical Works of Amy Lowell

When you came, you were like red wine and honey,
And the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness.
Now you are like morning bread,
Smooth and pleasant.
I hardly taste you at all for I know your savour,
But I am completely nourished.

Continue ReadingDecade

Random House Modern Library Readers’ 100 Best Novels

In response to their list of 100 best novels, the Modern library let the readers respond with their favorite books. This list was derived from an online user poll conducted on the Modern Library web site from July 20 to October 20, 1998, during which 217,520 votes were cast.

**Note from Steph: Consider the first ten entries, and ask yourself if the internet culties weren’t overloading the Modern Library online poll with votes. Damned Scientologists! And, really, who the hell is Charles De Lint, the guy with something like twelve books that made this list? After awhile I just stopped linking to his books.

1. Rand, Ayn. Atlas Shrugged

2. Rand, Ayn. The Fountainhead

3. Hubbard, L. Ron. Battlefield Earth

4. Tolkien, J.R.R. The Lord Of The Rings

5. Lee, Harper. To Kill A Mockingbird

6. Orwell, George. 1984

7. Rand, Ayn. Anthem

8. Rand, Ayn. We The Living

9. Hubbard, L. Ron. Mission Earth

10. Hubbard, L. Ron. Fear

11. Joyce, James. Ulysses

12. Heller, Joseph. Catch-22

13. Fitzgerald, F. Scott. The Great Gatsby

14. Herbert, Frank. Dune

15. Heinlein, Robert. The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress

16. Heinlein, Robert. Stranger In A Strange Land

17. Shute, Nevil. A Town Like Alice

18. Huxley, Aldous. Brave New World

19. Salinger, J. D. The Catcher In The Rye

20. Orwell, George. Animal Farm

21. Pynchon, Thomas. Gravity’s Rainbow

22. Steinbeck, John. The Grapes Of Wrath

23. Vonnegut, Kurt. Slaughterhouse Five

24. Mitchell, Margaret. Gone With The Wind

25. Golding, William. Lord Of The Flies

26. Schaefer, Jack. Shane

27. Shute, Nevil. Trustee From The Toolroom

28. Irving, John. A Prayer For Owen Meany

29. King, Stephen. The Stand

30. Fowles, John. The French Lieutenant’s Woman

31. Morrison, Toni. Beloved

32. Eddison, E. R. The Worm Ouroboros

33. Faulkner, William. The Sound And The Fury

34. Nabokov, Vladimir. Lolita

35. De Lint, Charles. Moonheart

36. Faulkner, William. Absalom, Absalom!

37. Maugham, W. Somerset. Of Human Bondage

38. Flannery O’Connor. Wise Blood

39. Lowry, Malcolm. Under The Volcano

40. Davies, Robertson. Fifth Business

41. De Lint, Charles. Someplace To Be Flying

42. Kerouac, Jack. On The Road

43. Conrad, Joseph. Heart Of Darkness

44. De Lint, Charles. Yarrow

45. Lovecraft, H.P.. At The Mountains Of Madness

46. Spillane, Mickey. One Lonely Night

47. De Lint, Charles. Memory And Dream

48. Woolf, Virginia. To The Lighthouse

49. Percy, Walker. The Moviegoer

50. De Lint, Charles. Trader

51. Adams, Douglas. The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

52. McCullers, Carson. The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter

53. Atwood, Margaret. The Handmaid’s Tale

54. McCarthy, Cormac. Blood Meridian

55. Burgess, Anthony. A Clockwork Orange

56. Shute, Nevil. On The Beach

57. Joyce, James. A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man

58. De Lint, Charles. Greenmantle

59. Card, Orson Scott. Ender’s Game

60. De Lint, Charles. The Little Country

61. Gaddis, William. The Recognitions

62. Heinlein, Robert. Starship Troopers

63. Hemingway, Ernest. The Sun Also Rises

64. Irving, John. The World According To Garp

65. Bradbury, Ray. Something Wicked This Way Comes

66. Jackson, Shirley. The Haunting Of Hill House

67. Faulkner, William. As I Lay Dying

68. Miller, Henry. Tropic Of Cancer

69. Ellison, Ralph. Invisible Man

70. Windling, Terri. The Wood Wife

71. Fowles, John. The Magus

72. Heinlein, Robert. The Door Into Summer

73. Pirsig, Robert. Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance

74. Graves, Robert. I, Claudius

75. London, Jack. The Call Of The Wild

76. Flann O’Brien. At Swim-Two-Birds

77. Bradbury, Ray. Farenheit 451

78. Lewis, Sinclair. Arrowsmith

79. Adams, Richard. Watership Down

80. Burroughs, William S.. Naked Lunch

81. Clancy, Tom. The Hunt For Red October

82. Hamilton, Laurell K.. Guilty Pleasures

83. Heinlein, Robert. The Puppet Masters

84. King, Stephen. It

85. Thomas Pynchon. V.

86. Heinlein, Robert. Double Star

87. Heinlein, Robert. Citizen Of The Galaxy

88. Waugh, Evelyn. Brideshead Revisited

89. Faulkner, William. Light In August

90. Kesey, Ken. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

91. Hemingway, Ernest. A Farewell To Arms

92. Bowles, Paul. The Sheltering Sky

93. Kesey, Ken. Sometimes A Great Notion

94. Cather, Willa. My Antonia

95. De Lint, Charles. Mulengro

96. McCarthy, Cormac. Suttree

97. Holdstock, Robert. Mythago Wood

98. Bach, Richard. Illusions

99. Davies, Robertson. The Cunning Man

100. Rushdie, Salman. The Satanic Verses

Continue ReadingRandom House Modern Library Readers’ 100 Best Novels

Random House Modern Library’s 100 Best Novels

In 1998 the Modern Library, a division of Random House, New York, released this list of ‘the 100 best novels written in the English language and published since 1900.’ The jurors were Daniel J. Boorstin, A.S. Byatt, Christopher Cerf, Shelby Foote, Vartan Gregorian, Edmund Morris, John Richardson, Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., William Styron, and Gore Vidal.

Continue ReadingRandom House Modern Library’s 100 Best Novels

Inspirational Quotes

g’nothi s’auton – Know thy self
— inscription on the wall of the temple at Delphi

You don’t drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there.
— Robert Allen

If at first you don’t succeed, you are running about average.
— M. H. Anderson

Live, live, live! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.
— Auntie Mame

Fabrum esse suae quemque fortunae. – Each man the architect of his own fate.
— Appius Caecus, Quoted by Sallust, De Civitate, I. 2

Honey, I can upstage you with out even being on the stage.
— Tallulah Bankhead

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.
— Mildred Berthel

No man is a failure until he gives up.
— Bishop of London

Corky (Gina Gershon) to Violet (Jennifer Tilly):

Don’t apologize. I can’t stand it when women apologize for wanting sex.
— from the movie Bound

Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.
— James Dean

When nothing is sure, everything is possible.
— Margret Drabble

We are not Human Beings having a spiritual experience. We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience.
— Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.
— Thomas Edison

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
— Thomas Edison

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do the thing you’re afraid to do and the death of fear is certain.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

First say to yourself what you would be, then do what you have to do.
— Epictetus

If you build it, they will come.
— From the movie, Field of Dreams

The things you own, end up owning you. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Self-improvement is masturbation. Self-destruction might be the answer. You are not your Khakis.
— Fight Club

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
— Galileo

If you think the world is all wrong, remember that it contains people like you.
— Gandhi

They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them.
— Gandhi

To act is easy; to think is hard.
— Goethe

What does not kill me makes me stronger.
— Goethe

Talent develops in tranquility, character in the full current of human life.
— Goethe

There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.
— Goethe

I respect the man who knows distinctly what he wishes. The greater part of all mischief in the world arises from the fact that men do not sufficiently understand their own aims. They have undertaken to build a tower, and spend no more labor on the foundation than would be necessary to erect a hut.
— Goethe

Everybody wants to be somebody; nobody wants to grow.
— Goethe

Only learn to seize good fortune, for good fortune is always here.
— Goethe

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
— Goethe

When we treat man as he is, we make him worse than he is; when we treat him as if he already were what he potentially could be, we make him what he should be.
— Goethe

Hey, world, I’m alive — and these pants are washable!
— Harry, 3rd Rock from the Sun

If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game show host.
— from the movie “Heathers”

Always listen to the experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.
— Robert Heinlein

Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Henrichs

He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.
— George Herbert

Fall seven times, stand up eight .
— Japanese proverb

The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining.
— Guy Kawasaki

If you are not a part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
— John F. Kennedy

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
— John F. Kennedy

Perhaps the worst sin in life is knowing right and not doing it.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.

I always prefer to believe the best of everybody . . . it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling

I can imagine that an ugly woman who looks in the mirror is convinced that it is her mirror image and not she that is ugly.Thus society sees the mirror image of it’s meanness, and is stupid enough to believe that I am the mean fellow.
— Karl Kraus

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, While loving someone deeply gives you courage
— Lao Tzu

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.
— Stephen Leacock

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
— Abraham Lincoln

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.
— Vince Lombardi (not that I’m fond of the guy, but this is good.)

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity.
— Gen. Douglas MacArthur

Freefall with the truth; hope we both survive. Deal?
— Ally McBeal

Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.
— Henry Miller

Democracy is not a spectator sport.
— Michael Moore

To my little sister on Mother’s Day, in reference to my sexual orientation:

You’re not going to turn out like Steph are you?

[It’s always a delight to hear what people really think of you.]
— My Mother

Whosoever would fight monsters must take care that in the process he does not become one. For when you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks also into you.
— Neitzche

Passion is not Arrogance. You ever hear that story about Babe Ruth pointing towards the fence before he belted a home run exactly where he said it would? No one knows if it’s true or not; it’s like a myth. But man, you sure want to believe it happened. You want to believe that someone could have that much faith in themselves, in what they do, in what they’re capable of, that they’d guarantee they’re going to do something and then go ahead and do it.
— A Nike Ad

I will choose what enters me, what becomes flesh of my flesh. Without choice, no politics, no ethics lives. I am not your cornfield, not your uranium mine, not your calf for fattening, not your cow for milking. You may not use me as your factory. Priests and legislators do not hold shares in my womb or my mind. This is my body. If I give it to you I want it back. My life is a non-negotiable demand.
— Marge Piercy

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
— Plutarch

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.
— Alexander Pope

America’s abundance was not created by public sacrifices to ‘the common good,’ but by the productive genius of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes.
— Ayn Rand

Late to Bed, Early to Rise; Work like Hell, and You’ll be Wise.
— Hyman G. Rickover, Father of the U.S. Nuclear Navy

If a man does only what is required of him, he is a slave. The moment he does more than is required, he becomes a free man.
— A.W. Robertson

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you cannot do.
— Eleanor Roosevelt

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
— Theodore Roosevelt

The thing that women have to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.
— Roseanne

It is not the civil-social norm for which men yearn, but the outrageous, the outsized, the out-of-bounds, for that by which our wild potency may be unleashed. We crave openly to become our secret selves.
— Salman Rushdie, From The Moor’s Last Sigh

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
— Carl Sandburg

Nothing happens unless first a dream.
— Carl Sandburg

Growth does not cease being painful at any age.
— May Sarton, from Journal of Solitude

My own belief is that one regards oneself, if one is a serious writer, as an instrument for experiencing. Life–all of it–flows through this instrument and is distilled through it into works of art. How one lives as a private person is intimately bound into the work. And at some point, I believe one has to stop holding back for fear of alienating some imaginary reader or real relative or friend, and come out with personal truth. If we are to understand the human condition, and if we are to accept ourselves in all the complexity, self-doubt, extravagance of feeling, guilt, joy, the slow freeing of the self to its full capacity for action and creation, both as human being and artist, we have to know all we can about one another, and we have to be willing to go naked.
— May Sarton, from Journal of Solitude

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
— Dr. Robert Schuller

This above All,–to thine ownself be true, And it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
— Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act I, Scene III

This thing of darkness I Acknowledge mine.
— Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act V, Scene I

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
— Henry David Thoreau

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
— Mark Twain

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people can always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
— Mark Twain

Lightning flashes across the sky, east to west, do or die. Like a thief in the night, see the world by candlelight. from Seconds
— U2

Use the talents you possess, for the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except the best.
— Henry Van Dyke

Fortune favours the bold.
— Virgil, Aeneid

Progress always involves risk. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.
— Frederick B. Wilcox

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
— Oscar Wilde

Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
— Earl Wilson

I not only use all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.
— Woodrow Wilson

Continue ReadingInspirational Quotes

Seuss on Clinton – extended remix

If Dr. Seuss were President Clinton’s lawyer, his deposition might have read something like this.

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife

Now, that Miss Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did, I don’t remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me, Mr. Starr

I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, ever did inhale

Continue ReadingSeuss on Clinton – extended remix

Phenomenal Woman

In the poem below, on the line after “the stride of my steps” there should not be any asterisks. But for some reason my content management system blows up whenever I try to take them out.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I’m not cute or built to suit a model’s fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I’m telling lies.
I say
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
t*h*e*c*u*r*l*o*f*m*y*l*i*p*s
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.
Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It’s in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me.

Continue ReadingPhenomenal Woman

Down South Valentine

author unknown

Kudzu is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You’re as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we’re in a croud.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
I’m plumb outta wits.

And speakin’ of wits,
You’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me
Back in ’74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles
And stick ’em in the can.

Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft’ tread.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

And when you get old
Like a ’67 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That’s impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it’s a new trollin’ motor.

Continue ReadingDown South Valentine

Clone of My Own (Song Parody)

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  • Post category:JokesPoems

The first verse and chorus are by science fiction writer Randall Garrett. The other verses are by Isaac Asimov.

This parody is to be sung to the tune of Home on the Range.

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With its Y-chromosome changed to X
And when it is grown
Then my own little clone
Will be of the opposite sex.

(Chorus)
Clone, clone of my own,
With your Y-Chromosome changed to X
And when I’m alone
With my own little clone
We will both think of nothing but sex.

Oh, give me a clone
In my sorrowful moan
A clone that is wholly my own.
And if she’s an X
Of the feminine sex
Oh, what fun we will have when we’re prone.

My heart’s not of stone,
As I’ve frequently shown
When alone with my own little X
And after we’ve dined
I am sure we will find
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.

Why should such sex vex
Or disturb or perplex
Or induce a disparaging tone.
After all, don’t you see
Since we’re both of us me
When we’re having sex, I’m alone.

And after I’m done
She will still have her fun
For I’ll clone myself twice ere I die.
And this time without fail,
They’ll be both of them male
And they’ll ravage her by and by.

Continue ReadingClone of My Own (Song Parody)