Onion Headlines

They underwent a redesign recently, too.
God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again
Officials Uncertain Whether To Save Or Shoot Victims
Nation’s Politicians Applaud Great Job They’re Doing
Area Man Drives Food There His Goddamned Self
Bush: ‘It Has Been Brought To My Attention That There Was Recently A Bad Storm’
Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq
Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help
Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Hellhole Of Houston
White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters
Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins
Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance

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“Freedom” — Bush Style

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  • Post category:Politics

In case you hadn’t heard, Bush is throwing a 9/11 party in Washington D.C. on Sunday, to celebrate the tragedy that brought him the political capital to play toy soldier in the middle east. But he’s taking some pretty extraordinary steps to make sure that no one gets to crash his celebration, according to the Washington Post:

Organizers of the Pentagon’s 9/11 memorial Freedom Walk on Sunday are taking extraordinary measures to control participation in the march and concert, with the route fenced off and lined with police and the event closed to anyone who does not register online by 4:30 p.m. today.
The march, sponsored by the Department of Defense, will wend its way from the Pentagon to the Mall along a route that has not been specified but will be lined with four-foot-high snow fencing to keep it closed and “sterile,” said Allison Barber, deputy assistant secretary of defense.
The U.S. Park Police will have its entire Washington force of several hundred on duty and along the route, on foot, horseback and motorcycles and monitoring from above by helicopter. Officers are prepared to arrest anyone who joins the march or concert without a credential and refuses to leave, said Park Police Chief Dwight E. Pettiford.

One restricted group will be the media, whose members will not be allowed to walk along the march route. Reporters and cameras are restricted to three enclosed areas along the route but are not permitted to walk alongside participants walking from the Pentagon, across the Memorial Bridge to the Mall.

Continue Reading“Freedom” — Bush Style

Fafblog Presents: The Do-It-Yourself Emergency Management Guide!

For those of you who want to heed Bill O’Reilly’s advice that the government can’t protect you, and you should fend for yourself, read up on Fafblog’s plan for emergency disaster relief, including:

  • Make-And-Bake Clay Levee!
  • How to Make a Paper Helicopter
  • Do-It-Yourself National Guard!
Continue ReadingFafblog Presents: The Do-It-Yourself Emergency Management Guide!

Revisited: Things I have to do on Vacation

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  • Post category:Life Hacks

In revisiting my list, I’m running into a small snag. One of the items is the key problem:

  • Work on a logo for Bil and Jerame
  • Go for a Crown Hill walk with Lori
  • Mail my sister’s birthday present
  • Take clothes to a donation point
  • Take garage sale stuff to my mom’s house
  • Help my mom clean out her attic
  • Get brakes worked on on Truck
  • Clean the house for book club! (my house is trashed right now)
  • Relocate the Rose of Sharon bush to the corner of my yard
  • Catalog my books
  • Write an IndyScribe photo article
  • Write an IndyScribe review of Pirateer and Dread Pirate games
  • Make my photo galleries web standards compliant
  • Read my library books before they’re due
  • Take my dog for some long walks
  • Make sure my neighbor’s contractor doesn’t trash my yard anymore

That cleaning the house item will take all 5 of my vacation days to do, unfortunately. And I have to get it done, because my house is freaking me the hell out. My stress level is through the roof because of all the garage sale stuff sitting around in my way, and I can’t clean anything, etc.

Normally the only time I lose things in the house is when I’m carrying something I use every day around, and I get distracted by a phone call, person talking to me, etc. and I set the thing down where it doesn’t belong to do something else. But for things that are normally put away, I don’t lose track of them. This morning, however, I’ve run all over the house looking for the bug bite itch cream that I bought a couple of weeks ago due to the massive mosquito problem we have in the neighborhood. And I can’t find it anywhere.

Continue ReadingRevisited: Things I have to do on Vacation

I’m more qualified to run FEMA than Michael Brown

Newsday and Time magazine are both doing investigations into FEMA (Fucking Everything More than it is Already) Director Michael Brown’s background, and discovering a bit of resume padding. To put it lightly.

They’re checking each bullet point on his FEMA bio and contacting the businesses, universities and associations he claimed to work for and asking them what he really did for them. The answers are quite a bit different than what’s on his bio.
Among the findings:

Under the “honors and awards” section of his profile at FindLaw.com — which is information on the legal website provided by lawyers or their offices—he lists “Outstanding Political Science Professor, Central State University”. However, Brown “wasn’t a professor here, he was only a student here,” says Charles Johnson, News Bureau Director in the University Relations office at the University of Central Oklahoma (formerly named Central State University). “He may have been an adjunct instructor,” says Johnson, but that title is very different from that of “professor.” Carl Reherman, a former political science professor at the University through the ’70s and ’80s, says that Brown “was not on the faculty.” As for the honor of “Outstanding Political Science Professor,” Johnson says, “I spoke with the department chair yesterday and he’s not aware of it.” Johnson could not confirm that Brown made the Dean’s list or was an “Outstanding Political Science Senior,” as is stated on his online profile.

Hell, look at his entire bio, and I’M more qualified to run FEMA than he is. And I don’t know the first thing about Emergency Management. That might have something to do with the fact that I actually have an I.Q.

Continue ReadingI’m more qualified to run FEMA than Michael Brown

More Pet Help

More info courtesy of Scott:
Best Friends Pet Motel (near 82nd and Bash) is taking a shipment of items down to Louisiana to help with the rescue/recovery/fostering and adoption of pets that were left behind after the hurricane. If you have any items that you’d like to donate, I believe they’re accepting donations through this weekend. Their number is 841-8182.

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Because of Katrina, Bush Wants to Privatize Social Security

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  • Post category:Politics

From the Mother Jones blog:

It’s an old business myth that the Chinese character for “crisis” combines the characters for “danger” and “opportunity.” It doesn’t. But I’m not sure anyone’s told the Bush administration, judging from this little tidbit in CongressDaily today: “[White House spokesman Trent] Duffy asserted that the vast spending that would be required to address the hurricane’s impact adds to the need to change Social Security, which threatens to strain the budget in coming years.” Ah yes, despite the fact that privatization that would add trillions to the deficit in the short term, at a time when Katrina will already add $100 billion or more to the deficit this year, the time for privatization is now, obviously, in the wake of disaster. Um, no.

Jefferson Parish President Aaron Broussard said:

“Whoever is at the top of this totem pole, that totem pole needs to be chainsawed off and we’ve got to start with some new leadership. It’s not just Katrina that caused all these deaths in New Orleans here. Bureaucracy has committed murder here in the greater New Orleans area and bureaucracy has to stand trial before Congress now.”

I think the White House doesn’t realize it’s at the top of the totem pole — the part we’ll be cutting off.

Continue ReadingBecause of Katrina, Bush Wants to Privatize Social Security

MacGuffin

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  • Post category:Movies

Wikipedia definition of the Alfred Hitchcock concept of a MacGuffin.

In fiction, a MacGuffin (sometimes McGuffin) is a plot device in the form of some goal, desired object, or other motivator that the protagonist pursues, often with little or no narrative explanation. The MacGuffin’s importance to the plot is not the object itself, but rather its effect on the characters and their motivations.

The MacGuffin technique is common in films, especially thrillers. Usually, the MacGuffin is revealed in the first act, and thereafter declines in importance. It can reappear at the climax of the story but may actually be forgotten by the end of the story. Multiple MacGuffins are sometimes derisively identified as plot coupons.

Definitive List of Hitchcock McGuffins

Also, Hitchcock Mania has a collection of stills from all of the Hitchcock films, including several MacGuffins.

Rope MacGuffin - The Wrong Hat

Rope MacGuffin – The wrong hat

The Spare Key to the Apartment

Dial M for Murder MacGuffin – the spare key to the apartment

Strangers on a Train MacGuffin

Strangers on a Train MacGuffin – The lighter implicating Farley Granger

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