A Martha Stewart Christmas

Author Unknown

The following are entries submitted in the Washington Post’s "Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart’s December-January calendar (the winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)

Dec. 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
(Jennifer Earner, Vienna)

Dec. 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
(Stephen Dudzik)

Dec. 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)

Dec. 4
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield)

Dec. 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)

Dec. 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
(Stephen Dudzik. Silver Spring)

Dec. 7
Debug Windows 95.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)

Dec. 10
Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)

Dec. 11
Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Dec. 12
Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
(Art Grinath, Tacoma Park)

Dec. 13
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)

Dec. 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
(Tracy Kiely, Laurel)

Dec. 15
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
(Joel Knasnishu, Hyattsville)

Dec. 17
Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
(Lillian Wray, Annapolis)

Dec. 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Dec. 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)

Dec. 21
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
(Aaron Goldschmidt and Dorothy Hickson, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Dec. 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Dec. 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
(Mimi Jordan, Gaithersburg; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Dec. 24
Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
(Med Sullivan, Potomac)

Dec. 25
Bear son. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
(Kevin Vail and David Starn, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

Dec. 26
Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
(Russell W. Beland, Springfield)

Dec. 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)

Dec. 31 (tie)
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)

Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)

Jan. 1
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for the year.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)

Jan. 3
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)

Jan. 5
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Jan. 7
Lay Faberge egg.
(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
(Jean Sorenson, Herndon)

Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)

Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY)

Jan. 16.
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)

Jan. 20
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Jan. 23
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of all the peopleyou do not know.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)

Jan. 26
Review Christmas show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
(J.F. Martin, Moover, AL)

Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)

Jan. 31
Gild lillies.
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

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