Chapter Titles in Jim McGreevey’s Book

From “The Late Show With David Letterman,” Top Ten Lists:

10. “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself”
9. “How to Pretend to Like Girls for 47 Years”
8. “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up”
7. “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake”
6. “At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan”
5. “The New Jersey Budget Crisis – What Would Judy Garland Do?”
4. “A Look at the Governor’s Balls”
3. “Politicians Who Left a Bad Taste in My Mouth”
2. “How to Push Through a Bill – Or a Steve or a Larry…”
1. “Why I Don’t Like Bush”

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Signs You Won’t Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year

Christmas Gift


10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"

9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"

6. Boss’s Christmas card says, "Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times

1. You’re the starting quarterback for the Bears.

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Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree

Christmas Tree

(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide

9. Salesman’s opening line: "You’re not a cop, are you?"

8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers

7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

5. Keeps heckling your lame top ten list

4. It’s very small and says "air freshener" on it.

3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it.

1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size."

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Top Willow/Tara euphemisms for Sex

I found this, and must repeat it on my site:

13. Searching the Nether Realms
12. Practicing Dianic rituals
11. Not driving stick
10. Working as a “single delicate implement”
9. Dripping wax on the Wymmin Power Shrine
8. Doing the “Wiccan Wiggle”
7. Riding the broomstick
6. Plucking the petals
5. Reaching consensus
4. Worshipping Thespia
3. Baking an empowering bundt cake
2. Eating an empowering bundt cake
1. One word – Spellcasting!

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Items on Osama’s Christmas List

11. My First Chemist’s Weapon of Mass Destruction.
10. My Pretty Pony Glue Factory
9. Fisher Price Particle Accelerator
8. Mountain Mike’s Cave Digger Kit
7. sandbox
6. Ali Aibo, electronic pet camel
5. Easy Bake Falafel Oven
4. Sesame Street’s Torture Me Bert
3. Wham-o Exploding Frisbee
2. Bedazzler Beard Decorator
1. Kabul Barbie Car Bomb

Nevermind that he probably doesn’t actually celebrate Christmas, you know?

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Top Ten Ways The White House Would Change If Bush Were Elected President

Al Gore Campaign

On Thursday, George W. Bush made an appearance on the David Letterman show and read his list of the top 10 ways the White House would change if he were elected president. In the interest of balanced reporting, the Gore campaign offered its own list of "changes" voters can expect if Governor Bush is elected.

10) The administration that "looks like America" is replaced by the administration that "looks like 1990."

9) Bridge to the 21st Century dismantled to make room for oil derricks

8) Replace Council of Economic Advisers with Cadre of Fuzzy Mathematicians

7) Rose Garden to be kept beautiful by the chemical industry

6) Secret diplomatic packages disguised as GAP pants

5) State Dinners become State Lunches so as not to interfere with bedtime

4) Replace West Wing with right wing

3) Outlaw "Washington" terms like "insurance," "health care," "solvency," "economic growth," "clean water," and "campaign finance reform."

2) Install cubicle in the Oval Office so Charlton Heston can have "some personal space."

1) There is no number one. Under Governor Bush’s tax plan, only the wealthiest 1 percent can afford a full Top 10 list.

Continue ReadingTop Ten Ways The White House Would Change If Bush Were Elected President

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

Author Unknown

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper."

9. "One-a-day, like iron."

8. "Get a piece of the rock."

7. "You’ve come a long way, baby."

6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take ’em."

5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

4. "Tastes great, more filling."

3. "Viagra, built ram tough."

2. "Here’s the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. Just do her!

Some honorable mentions:

"We work harder, so you don’t have to."

"Ten inches long… and growing."

"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight."

"Viagra, home of the whopper."

"Viagra, now is a great time to be silver."

"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

"Give her a BIG surprise tonight!"

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Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like

author unknown

10. Hey! There’s a gift.

9. Well, well, well…

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit.

7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don’t deserve this.

Continue ReadingTop 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don’t Like

Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

7. "I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

5. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands!"

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. "Amen"

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