The Notorious Al-Gebra Movement

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions by means of extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle’.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

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Terrorists in Carmel, Indiana? Bullshit!

At a recent rally in Venice, Florida in support of President Bush, Katherine “Fixin’ the Votes” Harris told the crowd that Bush is winning the war on terror. As an example, she cited that the mayor of Carmel, Indiana had told her they had recently arrested a Middle Eastern man with hundreds of pounds of explosives in his home, who was planning to “blow up the area’s entire power grid.”
Of course, when the Mayor was asked about it, he said it was two years ago, and there were not explosives involved. The Police chief, however, said there was never even an arrest.
So Katherine Harris is a lying bitch, basically. But we already knew that.
Um, this is FUCKING INDIANA for Christ’s sake. No one wants to blow any shit up here. Wait, let me correct that. No middle eastern people want to blow any shit up here. We have quite a few right-wing looney Bush supporters who might try to blow up an abortion clinic, gay bar or my house, but no foreign terrorists to speak of. Al Qaeda couldn’t even find us on the damned map, let alone come all the way here just to take out a corn field or two. Like that would be effective.

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