religion

Why God Never Received a Ph.D.

Author Unknown

He had only one major publication.

It was in Hebrew.

It had no references.

It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

Some say he had his son teach the class.

He expelled his first two students for learning.

Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

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A Visit to the Pope

Author Unknown

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What’s up?"

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We’re taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That’s rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What’d he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just "Where’d you get that awful haircut?"

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The First Sermon

Author Unknown

The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly." The next week the young priest put his elder’s suggestion into practice and really talking up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again."

FIRST: Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down.

SECOND: There are 10 commandments, not 12.

THIRD: There are 12 disciples, not 10.

FOURTH: David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

FIFTH: We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as "The late J.C. and the boys."

SIXTH: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

SEVENTH: We do not refer to the Cross as the "Big T."

EIGHTH: The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

NINTH: The recomended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!"

TENTH: And last, but not least, it’s the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the Cherry!!!"

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The Preacher’s Ass

Author Unknown

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.

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Parrot Problems

Author Unknown

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That’s terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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The Theological Significance of Tinky Winky

Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!

Author Unknown

Tinky Winky, gay? Au contraire. As any person of faith who has ever watched Teletubbies understands, Tinky Winky is actually a powerful symbol of God’s word made flesh. Or rather, plush.

First of all, Tinky Winky is purple, the color of royalty and the ancient priesthood. As it is written in The Song of Songs, "Thine head upon thee [is] like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king [is] held in the galleries." Unlike pink and lavender, purple is a noble hue. While The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and the National Organization of Women have attempted to co-opt it, its history as the color of kings and priests cannot be erased. Tinky Winky’s fur is thus meant to remind us of the presence of the divine in our lives.

The triangular antenna on Tinky Winky’s head represents the three sides of the Holy Trinity: Abba, Christ, and Holy Spirit. The intent is clearly to tell us to tune our own spiritual antenna to God, to "be attuned" to God’s teachings. As for Tinky Winky’s purse, or "magic bag," this feminine attribute is obviously meant to hearken back to King David, who also carried a little bag. As is written in 1 Samuel 17:40, "Then he [David] took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag." From this bag came the stone that killed Goliath. Who knows what heroic tools will come from the bag of Tinky Winky? The show has been on the air for less than a year.

The similarities between David and Tinky Winky go further. David carried his lyre, a stringed harp-like girlie instrument, constantly, and like Tinky Winky, he was constantly singing little songs. "This is my only request," he sang, "To dwell in the House of YHWH all the days of my life, to behold the sweetness of Godde and to be like a visitor in Godde’s sanctuary." Tinky Winky, meanwhile, sings, "Pinkle Winkle, Tinky Winky" and dwells in the Tubbytronic Superdome. I think the parallels are obvious.

I acknowledge one problematic element to this Teletubby-Davidian reading. David’s relationship with his friend Jonathan was far, far closer than that of Tinky Winky and Dipsy, the only other male Teletubby. David said of Jonathan, "Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women" (2 Samuel 1:26). "Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt" (1 Samuel 18:3-4) "…And they kissed one another and wept with one another, until David exceeded" (1 Samuel 20:41). As we all know, Tinky Winky is only casually friendly with Dipsy; he reserves his greatest affection for Po, the daintiest, highest-voiced, femme-iest Teletubby. Future scholars will, we hope, work through this discrepancy.

Scholars believe that from the seed of David will come the Messiah. (The Messiah is not to be confused with the Antichrist — also a descendant of David — a Jewish man who is probably alive today, according to Falwell. In fact, he is probably Adam Sandler.) It is to be trusted that similar greatness will spring from the fluffy loins of Tinky Winky. A close analysis of Tinky Winky’s activities — eating Tubby Custard, jumping, dancing happy dances, chasing balloons, making kites, demanding hugs, and consorting with the Noo Noo (a vacuum cleaner) — has much to reveal about us, our values, and our relationship to popular culture.

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