Fun Things To Do While Taking Your Driving Test
These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.
Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
Swear at everybody on the road.
When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
Beep your horn at everything.
Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
Fun Things to Do in Your Car
These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversly with the speed limit.
Roll down the windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken Suit
Write the works "Help Me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-veiw mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
Throw burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
While stopped at at light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Paint your car with occult symbols.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Have some passengers have wild noisy sex.
Cheer for firetrucks. Boo ambulances. Moon police cars.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray to roadkill.
Throw spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Man
I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhh, it’s cute.
Why don’t we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no… a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won’t take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.
Make race car noises when people get on and off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
Whistle the first 7 notes of "It’s a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I’ve got new socks on."
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, doggone motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You’re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, then say, "Mmmmm…..tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Play the accordion.
Shadow box.
Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it’s getting bigger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
Fun Stuff to Do On Usenet
Post a message asking how to post messages.
Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of “Geek Code”, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as “*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***”
Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune “for a poll.”
Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the “two-strings-go-in-a-bar” joke.
Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn’t yet have its own sex group.
Post your new “War Heroes of India” FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
Start this week’s new AOL virus rumor.
Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new “HOOTERAMA” phone sex service or “PorqWhiffe” pheramone cologne. If you want something new, then try this high kick leggins room that you will surely enjoy.
Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few “MAKE MONEY FAST” posts.
Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates’ VISA card number.
Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word “imbecile” in your followup flames.
Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number.
Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for “really cool nudie pics”.
Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you “don’t read the group”.
Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as “SoHot4U”, “SokSnifer”, or “WetNWild”.
Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as “monkey boy”.
Inform the readers of the sex groups that they’re “going straight to hell”, and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle’s ex-girlfriend’s boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit.
Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
Claim that you can see “hidden images” in another person’s posting when you cross your eyes.
Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
Accuse female posters of being male.
Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a “newbie” because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is “judgemental”.
If you’ve grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
Insist that there’s no such state in the U.S. as “New Mexico”.
Post only in Esperanto.
Claim a copyright on the word “Usenet”, and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
Sell “posting permits” in news.announce.newusers.
Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, “Death Monkeys”.
Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as “Robert Bradley Smith, Jr.”
In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
List a cute organization name in your header, such as “Canadians for Global Warming”.
Insult a poster from another nation based on his country’s performance in World War II.
Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom.
Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line “BZZZT! Wrong answer!” or “Hello! McFly!”
Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
Post to soc.culture.women asking “what’s your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?”
Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article.
Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
Make it clear from your postings that you’ve a profound inability to distinguish “The X Files” as fiction.
Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage “in the name of freedom”.
Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
POST IN ALL CAPS
omit all punctuation
omitallspaces
DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel’s book.
Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the “Classified ATF Secret Hotline”.
Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety.
Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic “AOL users suck”.
Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it “dply offnsiv”.
Post to rec.music.misc insisting that “Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they’ll never tour again.”
Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
Followup another person’s posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of “obsessing”.
Followup two dozen of another person’s posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you’re ignored.
Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named “Bluto” or “Brutus”.
How to Handle Stress
Stress is an inevitable part of life, a reaction to the demands and changes we all face. However, how we handle stress can make a significant difference in our overall well-being. This article provides practical strategies for managing stress effectively, ensuring it doesn’t overwhelm our lives.
Understanding Stress
Before diving into coping strategies, it’s important to understand what stress is. Stress is the body’s response to any demand or challenge. While short-term stress can be beneficial, like helping you meet a deadline, long-term stress can have adverse effects on your health.
Recognize the Signs
Stress manifests differently in everyone. Common signs include irritability, anxiety, depression, headaches, and insomnia. Recognizing these symptoms early can help you take steps to manage your stress.
Develop Healthy Coping Strategies
- Exercise Regularly: Physical activity is a potent stress reliever. It not only improves your overall health but also increases endorphins, the body’s natural mood lifters.
- Maintain a Balanced Diet: Nutrition plays a crucial role in managing stress. A diet rich in fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains can provide the energy and nutrients needed to navigate stressful situations.
- Get Enough Sleep: Lack of sleep can exacerbate stress. Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep per night to help your body and mind recover and prepare for the next day.
- Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Techniques like mindfulness and meditation can help calm your mind and reduce stress. Even a few minutes a day can make a difference. If you’re suffering from anxiety and depression, you can try Kratom gummies.
- Connect with Others: Social support is vital. Talking to friends or family members can provide a different perspective, allow you to vent, and decrease your stress levels. Find relaxation and excitement by exploring various situs slot platforms for your gambling enjoyment.
- Manage Your Time: Feeling overwhelmed is often a result of poor time management. Prioritize tasks, break them into smaller steps, and don’t be afraid to delegate.
- Take Breaks: Short breaks throughout the day can help clear your mind and reduce stress. This could be a brief walk, reading a book, or just sitting quietly. You may also look for great weed-deals online if you like to consume cannabis during your break.
Seeking Professional Help
If stress becomes overwhelming and interferes with your daily life, it may be time to seek professional help as they may recommend other alternatives, like visiting a Los Angeles Dispensary. Therapists or counselors can provide effective strategies for managing stress.
Incorporate Relaxation Techniques
- Deep Breathing: Simple deep breathing exercises can help lower stress hormone levels in the body.
- Yoga: Combining physical postures, breathing exercises, and meditation, yoga can be an effective stress reliever.
- Progressive Muscle Relaxation: This involves tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, which can reduce anxiety and stress.
Conclusion
Stress is a common aspect of life, but it doesn’t have to control it. By recognizing the signs of stress and implementing these strategies, you can maintain a balanced, healthy life even in the face of challenges. Remember, taking care of your mental health is just as important as taking care of your physical health.
You can also take Delta 9 THC gummies to help alleviate symptoms of stress and anxiety.
Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative
If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Read the benefits when businesses choose to outsource HR for small businesses in the UK. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment. Please view the site disclaimer.
Will my health plan provide clean needles for my heroin habit?
If I die, do I have to show up at work to claim my life insurance money or will it be mailed to me?
A man injures his lower extremities with a cheese grater that has the company logo on it. Should he call an ambulance or the firm’s legal department first?
OK so I rent a car and contract an STD from a lady of the night — who’s health insurance pays for my treatment — Alamo’s, my own, or Candy’s pimp’s?
If I contract Ebola, can I work remotely?
If I feel emotionally scarred from listening to Puff Daddy records can I call the Employee Assistance Hotline? Can I reach you at that 1-800 number after hours?
What does 401K stand for?
If I run a 4 K 100 times in a year, will I qualify for a 401 K?
What if I eat 401 boxes of “Special K”?
(Stated loudly, whilst shaking head vigorously) Hmmmm… I don’t like the sound of “being vested”. Noooo sir-eee.
If I am adopted, is it me or my host family that gets the free paid vacation under the Family Medical Leave Act? If it’s me then I’d like to pick Hawaii, please.
If I am accidentally disabled at the dentist’s office whilst on paid personal sick leave on a religious holiday, what form do I need to fill out?
Metallica are rock gods. (insert air guitar gesture here) Can I take a religious holiday when they’re in town next Thursday?
Who is this “Certain Criterion” that I need to meet? Is she hot?
Will my pet hamster “Raggot” qualify as a dependant?
How about the voices in my head?
How about the little man who lives in my stomach?
“Well, THESE might qualify.” (reach into trousers)
Can a floating holiday be attributed to acid? What if I live on a house boat or rent “House Boat” the movie with Sophia Loren and Jimmy Stewart — can that be considered a floating holiday?
Do I have to work during the Apocalypse or Armageddon?
If I am unproductive because I have been reproductive, can I be compensated for the work I would have performed?
Can I get a personal paid absence for being a stunt man in “Mr. Holland’s Opus”?
If I am dismembered in a forest and no one is there to see or hear it, will I qualify for coverage?
Does the break up of Menudo qualify as a life changing event? How about Selena’s death?
Is “sleepy” considered a long or short-term disability?<
Can I put anything besides money into my 401K? Like German bearer bonds, gold bullion, or Krugerrands for example?
Can I use sick leave if I am sick of work? Or sick of my boss? Actually, I feel a little sick right now. May I be excused?
Do genital enlargement surgeries get coverage? (act disappointed upon hearing answer) Could you please explain why not?! (raise voice)
Is there any way to realize my resource allocation management potential whilst leveraging my leadership achievement matrix?
What happens if my Qualifying Domestic Partner has a Qualifying Life Event?
What if my Qualifying Domestic Partner (QDP) gives me a Short Term Disability (STD)?
How do I increase the size of my paycheck? Can I do this online?
And finally…
“Yes, uh, if I quit the firm, do I still get paid? Why not?”
Fun Things To Do in a Final Exam
Bring pets.
Bring cheerleaders.
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!"
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.