Interoffice Games

A list of games to play at work, shamelessly cribbed from Jane McGonigal’s gaming blog, but she received it in e-mail from her mom, so fair sharing must apply. I recognize some of these from some of my other lists of pranks you can play.
How many points can you rack up in a day? A week?

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,”Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears andgrimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,”Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that,I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle(there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice toconclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if youactually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you withgrowing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a numbertwo.”
5) After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly andmutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness,I’ll never go hungry again.”
9) In a colleague’s DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: “See how I look in tights.” (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
13) Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2′ long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

TEN POINT DARES

And if that wasn’t enough for you… How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it “IN”.
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”

Continue ReadingInteroffice Games

Fun Things To Do in the Office

These are jokes, and not intended to be taken seriously. Please view the site disclaimer.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are. However it doesn’t work if your boss copies you already.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That’s a good point, Sparky." "No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you’ve got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Compose all your e-mail in the form of a Haiku.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing," and leave.

Organize a carpool. Then go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

Send out flyers to your entire department/division announcing a required staff development program. When everyone arrives, show them slides from your vacation.

Tell everyone that you are quitting. At your going away party, announce that you were just joking. Make sure to take their presents.

Send out a notice saying that you have a brain tumor. After everyone in your office sends flowers and presents, send out another note telling everyone that it was not a brain tumor but just a bad headache.

When answering your phone, talk in a fake British accent.

Take a picture of your boss and have it framed. Display it in a prominent location on your desk.

Whenever a fellow staff member sneezes, quickly yell "SHUT UP!" If they sneeze a second time, follow up with "I SAID SHUT UP!". A third time, leave the room crying while saying "NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!".

In the summertime, get an inflatable swimming pool. Blow it up and fill it with water. Place it in the center of your office. During lunch time, put on your bathing suit and lounge in the pool. Anytime someone walks by, yell "HEY NO RUNNING AROUND THE POOL!"

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Reply to everything someone says with "that’s what YOU think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

While sitting in your cube, yodel.

Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Continue ReadingFun Things To Do in the Office

You Know You Work for An American Corporation When…

Author Unknown

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

It’s dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital

Art involves a white board

You’re already late on the assignment you just got

When 100% of your time means 20 hours, with 40 more hours on the other 100% of your time.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only

Your boss’ favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you’re freed up"

Your boss’ second favorite lines are "this isn’t exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed."

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"

Change is the norm

Nepotism is encouraged

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

You read this entire list and understood it.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Work for An American Corporation When…

New Job Interview Techniques

Submitted by Shailaja Seebaluck-Oolun

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Continue ReadingNew Job Interview Techniques

Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the "Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector" created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official. Using only 30 carefully chosen buzz words, you can woo your way through any written or oral presentation:

  Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. integrated management options
1. total organizational flexibility
2. systematized monitored capability
3. parallel reciprocal mobility
4. functional digital programming
5. responsive logistical concept
6. optional transitional time-phase
7. synchronized incremental projection
8. compatible third-generation hardware
9. balanced policy contingency

USAGE: Randomly pick any three-digit number. Now select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, "748" produces "synchronized transitional hardware", or "839" yeilds "responsive reciprocal contingency", a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring of authority. "No one will have any idea what you’re talking about," says Broughton, "but they’re probably not about to admit it."

Continue ReadingSystematic Buzz Phrase Projector

New Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

author unknown

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon–we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay – $1222.02
Income Tax – 244.40
Outgo Tax – 45.21
State Tax – 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax – 6.11
Rural Tax – 4.44
Back Tax – 1.11
Front Tax – 1.16
Side Tax – 1.61
Down Tax – 1.11
Tic-Tacs – 1.98
Thumbtacks – 3.93
Carpet Tacks – 0.98
Stadium Tax – 0.69
Flat Tax – 8.32
Surtax – 3.46
Ma’am Tax – 2.60
Parking Fee – 5.00
F.I.C.A. – 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund – 9.95
Life Ins. – 5.85
Health Ins. – 16.23
Disability – 2.50
Ability – 0.25
Liability Ins. – 3.41
Unreliability Ins. – 10.99
Dental Ins. – 4.50
Mental Ins. – 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee – 6.85
Coffee Cups – 66.51
Floor Rental – 16.85
Chair Rental – .32
Desk Rental – 4.32
Union Dues – 5.85
Union Don’ts – 3.77
Cash Advances – 0.69
Cash Retreats – 121.35
Overtime – 1.26
Undertime – 54.83
Eastern Time – 9.00
Central Time – 8.00
Mountain Time – 7.00
Pacific Time – 6.00
Time Out – 12.21
Oxygen – 10.02
Water – 16.54
Heat – 51.42
Cool Air – 46.83
Misc. – 133.39

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. If people need to hire disability lawyer, they can get from here!   All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Continue ReadingNew Medical Leave and Related Company Policies

New List of Appropriate Language For Work

author unknown

It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase: No fucking way!
New Phrase: New Phrase: I’m not certain that’s possible.

Old Phrase: You’ve got to be shitting me.
New Phrase: Really?

Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with…

Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a fuck.
New Phrase: Of course I’m concerned.

Old Phrase: It’s not my fucking problem.
New Phrase: I wasn’t involved in the project.

Old Phrase: What the fuck…?
New Phrase: Interesting behavior.

Old Phrase: Fuck it. It won’t work.
New Phrase: I’m not sure I can implement this.

Old Phrase: Why the fuck didn’t they tell me this sooner?
New Phrase: I’ll try to schedule that.

Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.

Old Phrase: Who the fuck cares?
New Phrase: Are you sure it’s a problem?

Old Phrase: Eat shit.
New Phrase: You don’t say.

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
New Phrase: Excuse me?

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?

Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
New Phrase: They weren’t happy with it.

Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
New Phrase: So you’d like my help with it.

Old Phrase: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
New Phrase: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
New Phrase: I don’t think you understand.

Old Phrase: This job sucks.
New Phrase: I love a challenge.

Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you boss?
New Phrase: You want me to take care of that?

Old Phrase: Blow me.
New Phrase: I see.

Old Phrase: Blow yourself.
New Phrase: Do you see?

Old Phrase: Another fucking meeting
New Phrase: Yes, I think we should discuss this.

Old Phrase: I don’t really give a shit.
New Phrase: I don’t think it will be a problem.

Old Phrase: He’s fucking retarded.
New Phrase: He’s confused.

Continue ReadingNew List of Appropriate Language For Work