Quotes Taken from Performance Evaluations

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

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Actual Job Interview Excerpts

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The low lights:

Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.

Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

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My Manager Really Said This

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems).

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Who Should Be The Manager

Author Unknown

The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager".

The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager".

The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager".

The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager".

And so it went on – the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager.

Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager, and so it happened. All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit.

The moral of this story is: "You don’t have to be a brain to be a manager – just an asshole!"

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12 Tips for Managers and Bosses

Author Unknown

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it’s really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. ( Or psycho in some of our cases…)
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the new Navigator (Substitute vehicle here.. ).
  12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
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