From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex and Zen and a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside.
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicatment before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident — I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
If you have any other tidbits of advice for me to follow, please e-mail me.
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I’m running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow’s soup of the day)
ABSENT: (n)
The notation generally following your name in a class record.
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n)
Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."
ANATOMY: (n)
One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves.
BIOLOGY: (n)
A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.
BOOK: (n)
A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.
BOOKBAG: (n)
A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally)
books.
CAFETERIA: (n)
from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat")
and "teria" ("to wretch").
CAFFEINE: (n)
One of the four basic food groups.
CALL: (v)
What you can’t do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart.
COACH: (n)
A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new Corvette.
CUM LAUDE: (v)
How students in southern universities call dogs named "Laude."
D-MINUS: (n)
A pretty good grade.
DORM: (n)
Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes.
DORMROOM: (n)
A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.
EDUCATION BUDGET: (n)
Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.
EGGHEAD:
1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A’s.
2) (n) That same student once you’ve dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.
EXTRA CREDIT: (n)
What you wish you had on your credit card.
F: (n)
A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a test paper.
JUNIOR VARSITY: (n)
The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.
KAPPA: (n)BR>
What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas.
KITCHENETTE: (n)
A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.
KLUTZ: (n)
What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you’re holding.
LAB: (n)
A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.
LETTERMEN: (n)
Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.
LIBERAL ARTS: (n)
See: "Would you like fries with that?"
LOUNGE: (n)
Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn’t soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen.
MAJOR: (n)
Area of study that no longer interests you.
MIDNIGHT OIL: (n)
What you make popcorn in.
MISERY: (n)
The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike."
NICKNAME: (n)
Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. E.g. "Bobster," "Hankster" or "Georgester."
NO: (n)
The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.
NUDE MODELS: (n)
The reason for your sudden interest in art.
OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n)
Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining county.
OTHELLO: (n)
Unless you’re an English major, who really cares??
OUT: (n)
Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message.
PAPER: (n)
Your version of Cliff Notes.
POSTER: (n)
An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making people think you’ve been to foreign lands and done things you never have.
PRE-LAW: (n)
The major of a person who will end up in sales.
VICE SQUAD: (n)
A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.
VENDING MACHINE : (n)
A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.
VICTOR: (n)
Your football team’s weekly opponent.
VICTORY: (n)
A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN spell.
WEEKEND : (n)
Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you’d signed up for a seven day meal plan.
WHIZ KID: (n)
Your college nickname. But not for the reason people think.
WINDELLAS: (n)
Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.
WINTER: (n)
When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in.
WORK-STUDY: (n)
Two things not done by a majority of students.
WRISTWATCH: (n)
That device on your arm that lets you know which class you’re currently late for.
X-RAY: (n)
A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up to ten years after they’re eaten.
XYLEM: (n)
We’re not going to tell you this. You should know this. You took Biology, didn’t you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)
YALE:
1) (n) A well known ivy league university.
2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.
YEARBOOK: (n)
A book containing student pictures that will keep getting nerdier as the years go by.
YESTERDAY: (n)
When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.
YIELD SIGN: (n)
Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around 3 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.
ZEPPELIN:
1) (n) A large blimp.
2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in one’s underwear.
ZERO: (n)
The number of times you’ve gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered.
ZOO: (n)
What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.
ZOOLOGY: (n)
The study of animal life (See: "Frat boys at Homecoming").
If you think you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native… you’re dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey. For your enjoyment, here’s an updated list of Wisconsinisms. This stuff drives a spell checker crazy.
Ain-a-hey:
placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn’t It?"
Bart:
a Green Bay institution who doesn’t need a last name; (see "Vince").
Believe-you-me:
attached to the beginning or end a statement make it more credible; as in, "really!"
Blaze orange:
what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear at Lambeau.
Born in a barn?:
a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open.
Borrow:
used in place of "lend," as in, "could youse borrow me a couple two-tree bucks?"
Brat:
a sausage; a Wisconsin tailgate favorite; doesn’t have anything to do with a spoiled kid.
Bubbler:
to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin’s borders, it is known as a drinking fountain.
Budge:
to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don’t you budge in line for a brat, I was here first!"
By:
to or near; as in "Let’s go by One Eyed Jack’s,"or "She’ll come by Froggers tonight." It has nothing to do with a purchase.
Cheddarhead:
someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."
Cheesehead:
someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."
Cheese curd:
small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them; a parish picnic favorite when deep fried.
Come-here-once:
a beckoning call to another Cheddarhead.
Couple-two-tree:
more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a couple-two-tree beers."
Cripes:
a Wisconsin expletive. Cripes-sake: a mild Wisconsin expletive.
Crymany-cripes-sake:
a wild Wisconsin expletive.
D:
a substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in"Dat guy over dere in dah Bears shirt is a FIB."
Davenport:
what your mom called the sofa; a couch.
Fair-to-midlin:
not bad or great, just "O.K."
FIB:
an acronym; (F***in’ Illinois Bastard)
Fish fry:
a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.
Fleet Farm:
a Cheddarhead’s answer to Bloomingdales.
Frozen tundra:
Lambeau Field.
Geeez!:
Another Wisconsin expletive.
Go ahead:
proceed; as in, "go ahead and back up your car."
Gots:
used in place of "have;" as in, "I gots my tickets to watch da Packers play on da Frozen Tundra."
Guldarn:
another Wisconsin expletive.
Hey:
placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in "Hey, how ’bout them Packers?" or "How ’bout them Packers, hey?"
Holy-cry-yiy!:
as in, "wow!"
How’s-by-you?:
a greeting; the same as, "How’s everything?"
Humdinger:
a beauty; as in "dat crappy youse caughtup-nort is a real humdinger."
John Deere:
a Cheddarhead’s other vehicle.
M’wakee:
Wisconsin’s largest city; located just down the lake from Trivers and Mantwoc.
N-so?:
a word inserted at the end of a statement; used as a substitute for "right?" or "correct?"
Oh, yah:
depending on emphasis, it’s either used as acknowledgment (as"That’s correct") or skepticism (That’s bull!).
Parish picnics:
social events of the summer up-nort.
Pert-neer:
near; in close proximity; just about.
Polka:
what you do at parish picnics.
Pop:
a non-alcoholic drink.
Rubbers:
protection for your shoes; also known as "galoshes."
Scansin:
the state where Cheeseheads are from.
Schmear:
a card game; also a term used when someone gets beat in a game of Sheepshead
Sheepshead:
another card game.
Side-by-each:
used instead of, "next to each other."
Skeeter:
Wisconsin state bird.
Start wit me last:
to forfeit your turn.
Stop-and-go lights:
what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.
Uff-dah:
affirmative; as in "that’s right!"
Un-thaw:
to defrost.
Where-abouts:
locality; proximity; as in, "where-abouts are youse guys from?"
Up nort:
where Wisconsinites go on vacation.
Up-side right:
right side up.
Vince:
the other Green Bay icon who doesn’t need a last name for recognition; (see "Bart").
Yah-hey:
affirmative; as in "uff-dah."
You-betcha:
affirmative; as in "Yah-hey."
Youse:
pronounced "YOOS;" it means "you" as in "are youse guys goin’ up nort?"
Youper:
someone from ever further up-nort than you.
The complete list of what I read in 1998. Click on any title to purchase it from Amazon.com.
Absolute Power
Author: David Baldacci
Anything Considered
Author: Peter Mayle
Bonfire of the Vanities
Author: Tom Wolfe
The Book of Vices: A Collection of Classic Immoral Tales
Author: Robert J. Hutchinson, ed.
Bridge Over San Luis Rey
Author: Thornton Wilder
Bridget Jones’s Diary
Author: Helen Fielding
The Decameron (selections from…)
Author: Bocaccio
Fairy Tales: Traditional Stories Retold for Gay Men
Author: Peter Cashorali
Follow Your Heart
Author: Suzanne Tamaro
The Game Is Afoot : Parodies, Pastiches and Ponderings of Sherlock Holmes
Author: Marvin Kaye, Editor
Gone is the Shame: A Compendium of Lesbian Erotica
Author: Marti Hohmann
Great Expectations
Author: Charles Dickens
Grendel
Author: John Gardner
Here on Earth
Author: Alice Hoffman
History of Danish Dreams
Author: Peter Hoeg
The Lions of Al-Rassan
Author: Guy Gavriel Kay
London
Author: Edward Rutherfurd
The Masqueraders
Author: Georgette Heyer
Memory Mambo
Author: Achy Obejas
Metamorphoses
Author: Ovid
Multiple Wounds
Author: Alan Russell
Mythology, Including the complete texts of The Age of Fable, The Age of Chivalry, Legends of Charlemagne
Author: Thomas Bulfinch
The Partner
Author: John Grisham
The Princess Bride: S. Morgenstern’s Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure : The ‘Good Parts’ Version, Abridged
Author: William Goldman
Sherlock Holmes – A Study in Scarlet
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Sherlock Holmes – The Sign of the Four
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Sherlock Holmes – Valley of Fear
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Sherlock Holmes – The Hound of the Baskervilles
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Sherlock Holmes – Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Sherlock Holmes – Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Sherlock Holmes – Return of Sherlock Holmes
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Sherlock Holmes – His Last Bow
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Sherlock Holmes – The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes
Author: Arthur Conan Doyle
Tigana
Author: Guy Gavriel Kay
To Kill a Mockingbird
Author: Harper Lee
Total Control
Author: David Baldacci
Unnatural Exposure
Author: Patricia Cornwell
Violin
Author: Anne Rice
The Warrior Returns – Anteros Series
Author: Allan Cole
The Winner
Author: David Baldacci
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
Author: Gregory Maguire
Love Poetry
Author: John Stallworthy
Tao Te Ching (The Way of Life)
Author: Lao Tzu
The Wasteland
Author: T. S. Eliot
20 Years of Censored News
Author: Carl Jensen
Amphigorey
Author: Edward Gorey
An Underground Education
Author: Richard Zachs
The Architecture Pack: A Pop-Up Book Of Architecture
Author: Ron Van Der Meer, Deyan Sudjic
Ars Erotica: An Arousing History of Erotic Art
Author: Edward Lucie-Smith
Athena: A Biography
Author: Lee Hall
The Best American Essays 1997
Author: Ian Frazier (Editor), Geoffrey C. Ward (Editor), Robert Atwan (Editor)
The Book of Kells : An Illustrated Introduction to the Manuscript in Trinity College Dublin
Author: Bernard Meehan
Breaking the Rules in Graphic Design
Author: Rockport Publishers
Chicken Soup for the Soul: 101 Stories to Open the Heart & Rekindle the Spirit
Author: Jack Hansen, Victor Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Organizing Your Life
Author: Georgene Lockwood
Creating Killer Web Sites
Author: David Seigel
The Day Diana Died
Author: Christopher P. Andersen
Diana, Princess of Wales: A Tribute in Photographs
Author: Michael O’Mara
Don’t Get Me Started
Author: Kate Clinton
Don’t Know Much About The Bible
Author: Kenneth C. Davis
Dorothy Parker: The Viking Portable Library
Author: Dorothy Parker
Family Outing
Author: Chastity Bono
Feng Shui Revealed
Author: R. D. Chin
Frugal Indugents: How to Cultivate Decadence When Your Age and Salary are Under 30
Author: Kera Bolonik, Jennifer Griffin
The Future Ain’t What it Used to Be: the 40 cultural trends transforming your job, your life, your world
Author: Vickie Abramson, Mary Meehan, Larry Samuel
The Gay Man’s Guide to Heterosexuality
Author: C. E. Crimmins, Tom O’Leary
The Gay Quote Book
Author: Brandon Judell
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence
Author: Gavin DeBecker
Goddess Wisdom: Aphrodite, Artemis, Athena
Author: Manuela Dunn Mascetti
Hoaxes! Dupes Dodges and Other Dastardly Deceptions
Author: Gordon Stein, Marie MacNee
It’s Not Over Until You Win!
Author: Les Brown
Letterhead and Logo Design 5
Author: Rockport Publishers
Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong
Author: James V. Loewen
The Literary Companion to Sex
Author: Fiona Pitt-Kethley
Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor: Warrior Stars of Xena
Author: Nikki Stafford
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil: A Savannah Story
Author: John Berendt
Nutin’ But good Times Ahead
Author: Molly Ivins
The Simple Living Guide
Author: Janet Luhrs
The Sewing Circle: Hollywood’s Greatest Secret, Female Stars Who Loved Other Women
Author: Axel Madsen
Why People Believe Weird Things
Author: Michael Shermer
Xena : All I Need to Know I Learned from the Warrior Princess
Author: Josepha Sherman
Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally you’d bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".
Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
Microsoft’s programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".
Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
"Well, the first thing you know ole Bill’s a billionaire…"
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates — 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
"Where’s Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where’s Elvis?".
More or less; I started keeping track diligently in the summer; so there are a few titles missing.
April Lady
Author: Georgette Heyer
As the Crow Flies
Author: Jeffery Archer
Behind the Mask
Author: Kim Larabee
The Book of Ruth
Author: Jane Hamilton
Cassandra
Author: Christa Wolffs
Belgariad Series – Castle of Wizardry
Author: David Eddings
Belgariad Series – Enchanter’s End Game
Author: David Eddings
Belgariad Series – Magician’s Gambit
Author: David Eddings
Belgariad Series – Pawn of Prophecy
Author: David Eddings
Belgariad Series – Queen of Sorcery
Author: David Eddings
A Civil Contract
Author: Georgette Heyer
The Corinthian
Author: Georgette Heyer
Cotillion
Author: Georgette Heyer
The Dreyfus Affair
Author: Peter LefCourt
Ellen Foster
Author: Kay Gibbons
The Chronicles of Narnia – The Magician’s Nephew (Book 1)
Author: C. S. Lewis
The Chronicles of Narnia – The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (Book 2)
Author: C. S. Lewis
The Chronicles of Narnia – The Silver Chair
Author: C. S. Lewis
The Chronicles of Narnia – Prince Caspian
Author: C. S. Lewis
The Chronicles of Narnia – Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Book 5)
Author: C. S. Lewis
The Chronicles of Narnia – The Horse and His Boy (Book 6)
Author: C. S. Lewis
The Chronicles of Narnia – The Last Battle (Book 7)
Author: C. S. Lewis
Faro’s Daughter
Author: Georgette Heyer
Earthsea Trilogy – The Farthest Shore
Author: Ursula K. Le Guin
Earthsea Trilogy – Tombs of Atuan
Author: Ursula K. Le Guin
Earthsea Trilogy – A Wizard of Earth Sea
Author: Ursula K. Le Guin
Earthsea Trilogy – Tehanu
Author: Ursula K. Le Guin
Foucault’s Pendulum
Author: Umberto Eco
Friday’s Child
Author: Georgette Heyer
The Grand Sophy
Author: Georgette Heyer
The Island of the Day Before
Author: Umberto Eco
Ladylord
Author: Sasha Miller
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – The Fellowship of the Ring
Author: J. R. R. Tolkien
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – The Two Towers
Author: J. R. R. Tolkien
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – The Return of the King
Author: J. R. R. Tolkien
Lord of the Dead
Author: Tom Holland
The Modigliani Scandal
Author: Ken Follett
The Moor’s Last Sigh
Author: Salman Rushdie
The Name of the Rose
Author: Umberto Eco
Never Say Never
Author: Linda Hill
The Nonesuch
Author: Georgette Heyer
Pembroke Park
Author: Michelle Martin
Persuasion
Author: Jane Austen
Primary Colors
Author: Anonymous
The Rapture of Canaan
Author: Sheri Reynolds
Sophie’s World
Author: Jostein Gaardner
Speaking Dreams
Author: Severna Parks
Sylvester, or the Wicked Uncle
Author: Georgette Heyer
These Old Shades
Author: Georgette Heyer
A Virtuous Woman
Author: Kay Gibbons
Oathbound – Vows and Honor Series
Author: Mercedes Lackey
Oathbreakers – Vows and Honor Series
Author: Mercedes Lackey
Warrior Woman
Author: Marion Zimmer Bradley
Xena: Warrior Princess – The Empty Throne
Author: Ru Emerson
Xena: Warrior Princess – The Huntress and the Sphinx
Author: Ru Emerson
Xena: Warrior Princess – The Thief of Hermes
Author: Ru Emerson
Xena: Warrior Princess – Prophecy of Darkness
Author: Stella Howard, S. D. Perry
The Age of Chivalry
Author: National Geographic Society
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl
Author: Anne Frank
The Art of Fiction
Author: John Gardner
The Book of Crests
Author: Mike MacLaren
Castles
Author: Eyewitness Books
Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating
Author: Judith Kuriansky
Complete Idiot’s Guide to Wine
Author:
A Dictionary of Heraldry
Author: Stephen Friar
Erotic Poems
Editor: Peter Washington
Eve’s Revenge: Sinners and Saints and Stand-Up Sisters on the Ultimate Extinction of Men
Author: Tama Starr
Everyday Life of Medieval Travelers
Author: Marjorie Rowlings
Half-Truths and One-and-a-Half Truths: Selected Aphorisms
Author: Karl Krauss
Heroines
Author: Norma Jean Goodrich
A History of Erotic Literature
Author: Patrick J. Kearney
I Know You Really Love Me
Author: Dr. Doreen Orion
How to Travel with an Salmon and Other Essays
Author: Umberto Eco
Illustrator Type Magic
Author: Greg Simsic
Journal of a Solitude
Author: May Sarton
Knights
Author: Eyewitness Books
Love and Friendship
Author: Allan Bloom
Mythology
Author: Edith Hamilton
Photoshop 4.0 Classroom in a Book
Author: Adobe Press
Photoshop Type Magic
Author: Greg Simsic
Photoshop Web Magic
Author: Michael Ninness
The Poetry of Byron, Keats and Shelley
Author:
The Regency Rakes
Author: E. Beresford Chancellor
The Age of Scandal: An Excursion Through a Minor Period
Author: T. H. White
Sexuality in Western Art
Author: Edward Lucie Smith
The Tao of Pooh
Author: Benjamin Hoff
The Te of Piglet
Author: Benjamin Hoff
Teach Yourself Photoshop in 14 Days
Author: T. Michael Clark
Walden Pond
Author: H. D. Thoreau
Warriors of Medieval Times
Author: John Matthews and Bob Stewart
Wicked German for the Traveler
Author: Harold Tomb
Xenophobe’s Guide to Americans
Author: Stephanie Faul
Xenophobe’s Guide to Germans
Author: Stephan Ziedenitz, Ben Barkow
From Benet’s Reader’s Encyclopedia
Accismus
Irony involving insincere modesty
Aesthetic distance
A term that describes the ability to objectify experience in art and present it as independent from its maker.
Argus-eyed
Jealously watchful
Beatrice
Dante’s symbol of Spiritual inspiration
Bell, book and candle
Used in the ceremony of excommunication.
Berserker
Wild, warlike being, possesed of supernatural strength.
Beidermeier
Social conservatism in thought and didacticism in style, capacity of quiet resignation – a sober, resigned attitude towards the world.
Bifrost
The Rainbow Bridge between Asgard and Midgard
Brocken Mountain
Peak of Harz Mountains, scene of the witches sabbath.
Brocken Specter
Shadows of the spectators projected onto the mists by the mountain
Cabal
Political Intriguers from the court of Charles II. Any group of friends on an internet newsgroup who are targeted by trolls and other hysterics.
Caesura
A Break or pause in a line of poetry, for rhetorical effect.
Caledonian boar
A Boar wounded by Atalanta and killed by Meleager
Candlemas Day
Feb. 2nd, blessing of all the candles used in the church for the coming year
Canute
A Danish King who rebuked flatters by commanding the waves to stand still–in vain, of course– to show the limits of his power.
Cassandra
Doomed by Apollo to know the fate of Troy, but to have no one believe her.
Cenacle
Literary and Political Group
Cento
a literary composition, especially a poem, of lines or parts from the writings of established authors, but with a different meaning
Cestus
Aphrodite’s girdle
Childe
Title of an apprentice knight. Other similar terms include infant, damoysels, valets, bacheliers.
Cimmerians
“Cimmerian Darkness” where the sun never penetrates. Homer describes it as beyond Oceanus, in a land of never-ending gloom.
City of Dreadful Night
Long poem by Victorial poet James Thompson. It describes and imaginary city of misery and horror created out of the author’s own sense of despair as, afflicted by insomnia, he walked through the streets of London.
Clerihew
A comic four-line verse made up of two couplets, invented by Edmund Clerihew Bentley. Often satiric or ridiculous biographies of famous people, the lines being a succession of non-sequiturs.
Clytie
In classical mythology, an ocean nymph in love with the sun god.
Sui Generis
Being the only example of its kind; unique: “sui generis works like Mary Chesnut’s Civil War diary” (Linda Orr).
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected drama processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Amateur Strip Night 10.3, Circuit Party 40.2, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Afternoon Gym Watch 5.0, and Sunday Tea Dance 2.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Husband 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Boyfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? Please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 7.0 to Husband 1.0 with the idea that Husband 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Husband 1.0 and still convert back to Boyfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 7.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Boyfriend 7.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Boyfriend 8.0 or Husband 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "Warnings – Palimony/Bitter Queens." I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Husband 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0, Clothes 10.2, Toys 4.5, or Car 20.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install GymBuddyWithBody 3.3. This is not a supported application for Husband 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck.
Tech Support/XMP