Real Cowboy

Author Unknown

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," the young woman said.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian."

Continue ReadingReal Cowboy

Gay Sons

author unknown

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he”s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He”s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he”s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I”m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Continue ReadingGay Sons

Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV

Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!

10. Angels Shouldn’t Go Around "Touching" Anyone

9. Mister Rogers’ sissy loafers.

8. "Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane" are lesbian, gay, gay and lesbian.

7. Bastards at MTV didn’t even look at my "Road Rules" audition tape.

6. If you don’t pay the bill on time, Playboy channel gets all fuzzy.

5. Fox won’t even consider "World’s Wildest Baptism Accidents"

4. History Channel only presents negative aspects of Spanish Inquisition

3. I’m busting my ass on public access while some joker in a glass church is getting Super Bowl numbers

2. Why don’t Scully and Mulder "do it" already and get it over with

1. Dick Van Dyke

Continue ReadingTop Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV

Things You Learn About Computers In The Movies…

Author Unknown

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. As per their explanation, these computers too will need timely services to work efficiently.

Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ‘ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES’ on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer (even those of advanced alien life forms capable of travelling trillions of light years) with a destructive virus simply by typing ‘UPLOAD VIRUS’. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, so getting the right IT Services in Jacksonville can be essential to take care of this issue.

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer (or Agent Scully’s), even if it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just beneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. (see #7 above)

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.


Complex calculations and loading of huge abounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If you display a file on the screen, and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself on to his/her face.

Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

Continue ReadingThings You Learn About Computers In The Movies…

Hickbonics/English Dictionary

Author Unknown

HEIDI – (noun):

Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD – (verb):
Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH – (noun):
The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER – (noun):
The State west of Jawjuh.Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS – (noun):
A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts."

THANK – (verb):
Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank a’ll have a bare."

BARE – (noun):
An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah’ll have a bare."

IGNERT – (adjective):
Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH – (noun):
A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL – (noun):
A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR – (noun):
A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far."

TAR – (noun):
A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE – (noun):
A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD – (verb):
To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT – (noun), (verb):
a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh."

RATS – (noun):
Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats."

FARN – (adjective):
Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country."

DID – (adjective):
Not alive.
Usage: "He’s did, Jim."

EAR – (noun):
A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He can’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!"

BOB WAR – (noun):
A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb):
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?"

a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked in yars."

SEED – (verb):
past tense of "to see".

VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain’t never seed New York City…view?"

GUBMINT – (noun):
A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

Continue ReadingHickbonics/English Dictionary

To Think That I Saw Him On Christopher Street

Author Unknown

One day I was bored, I had nothing to do,
With nothing to do, you’d be bored. Wouldn’t You?
So I sat by my window and feeling so sad,
Thought, "Maybe I’ll answer a personal ad"

But nothing delighted me, no little gems
And why doesn’t anyone like fats or fems?
So I left my apartment to find someone sweet
And jumped on the subway to Christopher Street

And, once I got down there, I went to a bar.
I don’t really drink — but that’s where men are!
I saw guys who were hot, and guys who were not,
I saw guys drinking bourbon, at four bucks a shot

There were men wearing boots and men wearing sandals
Men who were buff and men with love handles
I saw guys wearing suede from their head to their toe
And a couple of queens who had let themselves go!

Then one little jerk just gave me such attitude
That I told this young fellow, "I think that you’re rude!
What makes you think that you’re such a big deal?"
Then I snapped him three times and I turned on my heel

Out on the street, I looked to and fro
I was looking for love but had nowhere to go
But then from a distance I heard such a roar
Id never heard anything like it before!

Then down the street came the gay pride parade
"With all of these guys I’m just bound to get laid!"
Then a huge cheer thundered up from the crowd
Then the noise of the engines. My God, they were loud!

It was everyone’s favorite, the Dykes on the Bikes!!
Then came a new group — the Bikes on the Dykes!!!
These gals were bigger and these gals were bolder!
They carried their vehicles over their shoulders!

And on top of these bikes that were carried by dykes,
Were men who had recently come from the Spike
They had rings through their noses and rings through their ears
Rings through their toes-es and rings through their rears

But my favorite had only one ring through his ear
And up above that, through his head went a spear!!
And on top of this guy was a man with tattoos
Of animals usually spotted in zoos

He had a tat-two, a tat-three, a tat-four
Had his shoulders been wider he would have had more!
On his chest were his boyfriends from current to ex
They called him the man with the rolodex pecs!

His deltoids were pumped and his lats were so wide
To get down the street he must turn to one side
And next to this guy was a man with great abs
Who works on the weekends all dressed up as Babs

And up on their shoulder were singers in poses
Who sang for us "Everything’s Coming Up Roses"
They sang songs that were famous and songs that were rarer
They kicked up their heels just like Chita Rivera!

And they carried these fellows all dressed up as nuns
Who lifted their habits and showed us their buns!
And up on the nuns, at least twelve stories high
Was a mountain of men rising into the sky

First there were "chubbies" the guys who were fat
Balancing "chasers" who like them like that
There were gays from the Bronx, Staten Island and Queens
Gays from the Army and from the Marines

I saw gays from Hawaii and gays from Formosa
I saw gays from Australia and gays who lived closer
And way up in the clouds was an army of Greeks
Who are often drawn naked upon their antiques

There were dozens of daddies, the bottoms and tops
And hundreds of owners of novelty shops
And the daddies wore leather! One guy was a WOW

I even saw one fellow wearing a cow

And speaking of animals, who would have thunk
I saw Horton who sported a ring through his trunk!
And Horton held hands with that nasty Old Grinch
(Well, you’d be mean too if you had only an inch!)

And on top of them all was the Cat in the Hat
Smooching in public with Felix the Cat!!
Then all of a sudden the traffic was backed up
‘Cause down on the pavement sat marchers from ACT UP!!!

Then suddenly somebody called out my name
His voice was more macho than Lucy’s in Mame
It was Bruno who played on the old football team
I knew him in high school! This guy was my dream!

I told him, "Oh Bruno, I am quite in shock.
In high school I always thought you as jock!"
And Bruno just smiled as he took off his shirt
And he said "Mary, please!" as he dished out the dirt

"You ain’t seen nothing. Just wait till you hear!
I’m not the only one from our school who is queer
Remember Al Levy? Remember Bill James?
They’re both on my team, cause we’re in the Gay Games!

Remember Joe Johnson? He was such a geek!
Take a look at him now. He pumps five days a week!
And Marilyn Solkow, the Homecoming Queen,
Recently married a gal named Eileen"

Now it’s hard to remember a word that he said
Cause all I could think of was us two in bed
And just when I thought I had no chance at all
He asked for my number and told me he’d call

A year later we’re dating! We’re really an item
My friends are all jealous. I know how to sight ’em
And I really love Bruno, so hunky and sweet
And to think that I met him on Christopher Street!

Continue ReadingTo Think That I Saw Him On Christopher Street

Dear Dr. Laura

Author Unknown

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?


Continue ReadingDear Dr. Laura

The Perfect Car

author unknown

A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.

"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.

"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."

Continue ReadingThe Perfect Car

The Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!

Author Unknown

(Obviously sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the Teletubby and his cutsey little purse.
He wears a purple outfit, and, dear friends, what’s even worse,
He doesn’t scratch or spit or belch, He doesn’t even curse.
What kind of guy is he?

Tinky Winky is a fairy.
Moral Morons must be wary.
Ignorance like their’s is scary.
And Tinky Winky’s gay.

I have seen his little triangle where it sits upon his head,
And we all know it’s a symbol for the shame that can’t be said.
Now we have to purge this danger or our little boys will wed
A wife whose name is Ed.


His defenders say his purse is nothing but a magic little bag.
That’s a cover-up, as we all know, he’s just a little fag!
We cannot let a Teletubby appear in purple drag,
Moron Morality.


Yes, they call him Tinky Winky. Does that name sound straight to you?
If he weren’t homosexual, his clothing would be blue!
He’s subversive and perverted, and his pal’s a Laa-Laa, too.
Moron Morality.


We have seen this Tinky Winky near the San Francisco bay.
He’s the marshal of the big parade they hold on Gay Pride Day.
We’ll all join hands and hold a protest as we march the Moron way.
Moron Morality.


He’s teaching all our 2 year-olds that gayness is no curse.
He is tearing down the fabric of our moral universe.
If left unchecked, our kids may grow up unperverse.
Moron Morality.


Jerry Falwell is our hero, he’s the one to lead the fight.
He has seen the truth and spoken out, he’ll lead us further right,
Where we will join the multitude who just ain’t none too bright.
Moron Morality.


In a quiet Southern village Jerry was born into a haze,
With an anger in his bosom that would last him all his days.
As he works to teach us hatred, let us go and bash some gays.
Moron Morality.


Continue ReadingThe Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay

Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!

Author Unknown

  1. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men’s room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
  2. If you’re drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
  3. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
  4. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and… Okay, maybe Falwell’s got something here.
  5. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
  6. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I’m hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
  7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he’d go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
  8. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
  9. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C’mon!
  10. Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
  11. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
  12. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
  13. and Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay…
  14. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.
Continue ReadingThe Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay