100 Best First Lines from Novels

According to the American Book Review:
1. Call me Ishmael. —Herman Melville, Moby-Dick (1851)
2. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. —Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)
3. A screaming comes across the sky. —Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow (1973)
4. Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice. —Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude (1967; trans. Gregory Rabassa)
5. Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. —Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita (1955)

Continue Reading100 Best First Lines from Novels

What I Read in 2005 (51 Titles)

I’m going to change around a bit how I record the books I’ve read. This coming year, I’ll log titles by doing a short blog entry about them, instead of doing a running list as I have in years past. I’m shifting my past lists of books read over into my blog, as well under the category of “Books I’ve Read.”

Continue ReadingWhat I Read in 2005 (51 Titles)

Movies I Need to See (or see again)

Movies that I’ve never seen, or need to see again because it’s been a long time.

  • 2001: A Space Odyssey
  • “The 400 Blows” (1959) Francois Truffaut
  • “8 1/2” (1963) Federico Fellini
  • A Bout de Souffle
  • A Room With a View
  • A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
  • Aguirre: The Wrath of God
  • Around the World in 80 Days
  • Batman Begins
  • “The Battleship Potemkin” (1925) Sergei Eisenstein
  • Better Off Dead
  • The Blues Brothers
  • Bread and Chocolate
  • Brief Encounter
  • Chinatown (1974)
  • D.E.B.S.
  • Dr. Strangelove
  • Fanny and Alexander
  • Finding Nemo
  • Flight Plan
  • Foreign Correspondent
  • The French Connection
  • From Here to Eternity (1953)
  • Full Metal Jacket
  • The Godfather (all 3 parts)
  • Good Night, and Good Luck
  • Ice Storm
  • Inherit the Wind
  • Inside Man
  • It Happened One Night (1934)
  • Junebug
  • Koyaanisqatsi
  • Lagaan: Once Upon A Time in India
  • Lawrence of Arabia
  • Lion King
  • Lost Horizon
  • Me and You and Everyone We Know
  • Meet Me In St. Louis
  • Monsters, Inc.
  • Mulan
  • On the Waterfront (1954)
  • Pirates of the Caribbean
  • Pretty in Pink
  • Pride & Prejudice
  • Raging Bull
  • Reservoir Dogs
  • Schindler’s List (1993)
  • State Fair (1945)
  • The Deer Hunter
  • The French Connection
  • The Graduate (1967)
  • The Seventh Seal
  • Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines
  • Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride
  • Walk the Line
Continue ReadingMovies I Need to See (or see again)

Favorite Movie List

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Movies
  • Post comments:2 Comments

I answered this movie meme several years ago. I need to update it quite a bit, but since I received another meme recently asking the 10 movies I hate, I thought I’d combine them.

10 Favorite Comedies

  1. Auntie Mame
  2. Amelie
  3. Shakespeare in Love
  4. Twelfth Night
  5. Much Ado About Nothing
  6. There’s Something About Mary
  7. Breakfast At Tiffany’s
  8. The Truth About Cats and Dogs
  9. Southpark: Bigger, Longer, Uncut
  10. The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love

10 Favorite Dramas

  1. Joan of Arc – the miniseries
  2. The Matrix
  3. Fight Club
  4. Life is Beautiful
  5. All the President’s Men
  6. Pleasantville
  7. Sense and Sensibility
  8. The Usual Suspects
  9. American Beauty
  10. Donnie Darko

10 Favorite Musicals

  1. The Wizard of Oz
  2. The Sound of Music
  3. The Music Man
  4. Grease
  5. Singin’ In the Rain (I can’t put it higher on the list, because the others are childhood favorites)
  6. Camelot
  7. Oklahoma
  8. Oliver
  9. West Side Story

10 Favorite Tear-Jerkers

  1. Terms of Endearment
  2. Beaches
  3. Steel Magnolias
  4. The Madness of King George
  5. It’s a Wonderful Life
  6. Waking Ned Devine

10 Favorite Action/Mystery/Thriller/Western Movies

  1. Rear Window
  2. Vertigo
  3. North By Northwest
  4. Dial ‘M’ for Murder
  5. Marnie
  6. King Kong (1933)
  7. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
  8. Wild Things

Movie Characters You Wish You Could Be

  1. Auntie Mame
  2. Tyler Durden
  3. Gina Gershon’s character in Bound
  4. Professor Harold Hill from The Music Man because as a kid I wanted to kiss Shirley Jones.
  5. George Bailey from “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Jimmy Stewart was a pretty stand-up guy.

Ten Movies You Hate

You have to take into account here that there are lots of crappy movies I didn’t see; these are just ones I did see.

  1. Closer. (read my rant on this movie here)
  2. Jaws (never seen beyond the opening sequence because it’s too scary).
  3. The Piano. New Rule: Harvey Keitel is not allowed to be naked anywhere, even in the shower.
  4. Basic Instinct. Because all lesbians are hot blonde killers. And we have nothing better to do with our lives than chase your lame, paunchy ass around with an ice pick. Right.
  5. Pieces of April (started to watch this dismal movie on HBO, quit halfway through.)
  6. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
  7. Forrest Gump (It’s okay to not think. Smart people will kill themselves.)
  8. Pretty Woman. You don’t need me to explain, do you?
  9. Apocalyse Now. I know I’m supposed to like that “heart of darkness” shit, but I’m sorry, I just can’t sympathize with toxic masculinity.
  10. Chuck & Buck. I’ll admit I only remember this movie after seeing it on other worsts lists. I did hate the hell out of it, though.
Continue ReadingFavorite Movie List

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From 1980s Horror Movies

David Speakman

With the fast-approaching Halloween season here are some helpful hints:

When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house — move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other place of the dead.

If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

Continue ReadingEverything I Need To Know, I Learned From 1980s Horror Movies

Neologisms and New Words Dictionary: A – L

Author Unknown

Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.

Accordionated (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj.
Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.

Ala’ Python: Something outlandishly funny
example: Justin began singing the song normally but then he started making fun of it ala’ python.

Anacondom, n:
A large-sized, constrictive prophylactic.

Aquadextrous (ak wa deks’ trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Aqualibrium (ak wa lib’ re um) n.
The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

Arachnoleptic fit, n:
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Barbie-Dream: To describe perfection from the perspective of a barbie doll
example: Friend: "Are you still dating Mike?" You: "Don’t ask. I really thought he was my Barbie-Dream Boyfriend. But then I found out he was married."

Putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."

Beelzebug, n:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Body Nazis:
Hard core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bozone, n:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Burgacide (burg’ uh side) n.
When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

Buzzacks (buz’ acks) n.
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

Carperpetuation (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance.

Cashtration, n:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor, n:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

Coldest: A person (or song) that is absolutely the coolest in the world
example: Dude that song was the coldest!

Coolerator: Device that uses compressed refrigerant gasses and general properties of thermodynamics to keep perishables at a lower temperature. Also known as a refrigerator.
example: Stick that chocolate cake in the coolerator.

Create A Low-Pressure Area: To be low in quality
example: "Was the concert any good?" "Nah, that band really creates a low-pressure area."

Crunchy: The feeling you get when you do or say something really stupid
example: When I tripped on my shoelace in the mall, I felt really crunchy.

Dap: white people
example: Yo dap, wassup?

D&M: A deep and meaningful conversation
example: "Go away! I’m having a D&M with Heidi."

Decaflon, n:
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Digest: Put up with a person you don’t like
example: I’m trying very hard to digest Melanie, but she drives me up the wall.

Dimp (dimp) n.
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

Disconfect (dis kon fekt’) v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

meaning you were invited, but now you are not. Not to be confused with uninvited (never invited at all).

Dopelar effect, n:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Ecnalubma (ek na lub’ ma) n.
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

Eiffelites (eye’ ful eyetz) n.
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.

Elbonics (el bon’ iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Elecelleration (el a sel er ay’ shun) n.
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

Elvis Year:
The peak year of something’s popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993."

Extraterrestaurant, n:
An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

Faunacated, adj
How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering, noun, which has made a meal of many species.

Floopy: Dizzy, funny, not quite right
example: The pain killers made me feel quite floopy.

Flump: The act of sitting down in a casual manner
example: Why don’t you guys flump down on the couch.

Foreploy, n:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Frust (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was"

Go Salad: To become confused
example: We were rapping about regular stuff and then the guy went all salad on me.

Going Global: To gain a lot of weight
example: After I ate 300 bean burritos in two days, my friends said I had gone global.

Going Postal:
Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages.

Good Day: A greeting or term of surprise
example: To a friend: "Good day!"

Good Gravy!: A simple exclamation
example: Good Gravy! What did you do that for?

Grantartica, n:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

Hhemaglobe, n:
The bloody state of the world.

How Much?:
A request for more details.
example: Person 1: "Did you see Johnny?"
Person 2: "Johnny? Johnny how much?"
Person 1: "Johnny Johnson!"

Intaxication, n:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Annoying but you can’t stop watching; e.g. the O.J. trial.

Isk Isk: An expression meaning GO AWAY. A way of ignoring someone.
example: Jess: "Hey Christine…"
Christine: "Isk isk" while waving him off with her hands.

Kinstirpation, n:
A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Join WA (whiner’s anonymous): Go somewhere else to whine.
example: Friend: "My life is miserable." You: "Why don’t you join WA or something."

Lactomangulation (lak to man gyu lay’ shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

Lie: 1. Exclamation of a positive nature. 2. Exclamation of a negative nature.
example: 1. That is lie! (positive). 2. That’s soooo lie! (negative).

Like a doctor: Pulling something off with ease or with a great deal of panache.
example: He plays guitar like a doctor.

Lullabuoy, n:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Continue ReadingNeologisms and New Words Dictionary: A – L

Bush Dimbulbs

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There’s nothing wrong with that light bulb. There is no need to change anything. We made the right decision and nothing has happened to change our minds. People who criticize this light bulb now, just because it doesn’t work anymore, supported us when we first screwed it in, and when these flip-floppers insist on saying that it is burned out, they are merely giving aid and encouragement to the Forces of Darkness.

Continue ReadingBush Dimbulbs

Neologisms and New Words Dictionary: M-Z

Author Unknown

Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.

Marinating In: a belief system that your stewing in
example: "After mom said I was too old to meet someone, I was marinating in that idea.

Minty: Used in place of "cool"
example: Friend:"Man, did you go to that party last night?" You:"Yeah, it was so minty!"

Mole: A really big number. It’s a chemistry term equal to 6.02×10 23 — in other words, a really big number.
example: Were you at last night’s concert? There were mole people there.

Monochrome: Boring
example: "That guy was totally monochrome. I couldn’t get rid of him quickly enough"

Neonphancy (ne on’ fan see) n.
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

Ooh, Gravity!: What you say when someone falls down
example: A friend falls down the steps at school, and you say, "Ooh, gravity!"

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you’ve just made a big mistake.

Peel: To go beyond the first page of a web site
example: That web site looks whack at first, but you have to peel it to get to the phat parts.

Peppier (pehp ee ay’) n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Petrophobic (pet ro fob’ ik) adj.
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

Phonesia (fo nee’ zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pull Your Coat: To make an inquiry
example: Hey, Mr. Man, let me pull your coat about this assignment.

Pupkus (pup’ kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Ripe-For-The-Pickin’: A cute person who is currently single
example: Alright! Brinn dumped adorable Damion, so he’s totally ripe-for-the-pickin’!

Roach: To live off of friends resources
example: Friend: "Hey I’ve only got a dollar." You: "You gotta stop roaching off me."

What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two/Three Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Softing Loose: Taking things easy and not doing anything
example: "Hey, Kate, what did you do yesterday?" "Nothing. I was just softing loose."

Speaking Of Toasters: Phrase used to amplify the randomness of a thought brought up in conversation.
example: You: "I can’t understand physics." Friend: "I can belch and make it sound like a frog."
You: "…speaking of toasters…"

Starter Marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Swiped Out:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re six inches away.

Tragic: An unfortunate event occurring to somebody near you.
example: Driving past someone who got pulled over, you say "Dude! tragic on him."

Trumpet: One who has an extremely large ego. (from Marching band)
example: "He won’t listen to anything we say." "Well, what do you expect? He’s a trumpet."

A sexual relationship as in "this is Dale, my…um…friend."

Upalator and Downalator
(instead of escalator)

Virus Of The Mind: a false belief system that screws you up.
example: "the number of personal bankruptcies are going up every year because people have a virus of the mind that credit is a good thing."

Yuppie Food Coupons:
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

Continue ReadingNeologisms and New Words Dictionary: M-Z

A Women’s Glossary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions,
marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring
only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children,
a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider
yourself lucky to get a card.

Continue ReadingA Women’s Glossary

What Your Resume Really Means

Author Unknown

I Take Pride In My Work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’m Adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I’m Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I can make my own coffee.

I’m Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I’m Highly Motivated To Succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I’m Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I only pilfer office supplies.

I’m Personable:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’m On The Go:
I’m never at my desk.

My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

Continue ReadingWhat Your Resume Really Means