ANTI-CHRISTIAN BIAS: Tax exemptions for churches
ANTI-CHRISTIAN BIGOTRY: The National Day of Prayer
ANTI-FAMILY: Honor thy father and mother by hating them. Your brothers and sisters too.
ANTI-CHRISTIAN BIAS: Tax exemptions for churches
Artery – The study of paintings.
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.
Barium – What doctors do when patients die.
Benign – What you be after you be eight.
Cesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome.
CATscan – Searching for kitty.
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her.
Colic – A sheep dog.
Coma – A punctuation mark.
D & C – Where Washington is.
Dilate – To live long.
Enema – Not a friend.
Fester – Quicker than someone else.
Fibula – A small lie.
Genital – Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series – World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail – What you hang your coat on.
Impotent – Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid – A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates.
Node – I knew it.
Outpatient – A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear – A fatherhood test.
Pelvis – .Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative – A letter carrier.
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery.
Rectum – Damn near killed him.
Secretion – Hiding something.
Seizure – Roman emperor.
Tablet – A small table.
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor – More than one.
Urine – Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – Near by/close by.
Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.
Accordionated (ah kor’ de on ay tid) adj.
Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.
Ala’ Python: Something outlandishly funny
example: Justin began singing the song normally but then he started making fun of it ala’ python.
A large-sized, constrictive prophylactic.
Aquadextrous (ak wa deks’ trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Aqualibrium (ak wa lib’ re um) n.
The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
Arachnoleptic fit, n:
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Barbie-Dream: To describe perfection from the perspective of a barbie doll
example: Friend: "Are you still dating Mike?" You: "Don’t ask. I really thought he was my Barbie-Dream Boyfriend. But then I found out he was married."
Putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Hard core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Burgacide (burg’ uh side) n.
When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
Buzzacks (buz’ acks) n.
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
Carperpetuation (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance.
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
Coldest: A person (or song) that is absolutely the coolest in the world
example: Dude that song was the coldest!
Coolerator: Device that uses compressed refrigerant gasses and general properties of thermodynamics to keep perishables at a lower temperature. Also known as a refrigerator.
example: Stick that chocolate cake in the coolerator.
Create A Low-Pressure Area: To be low in quality
example: "Was the concert any good?" "Nah, that band really creates a low-pressure area."
Crunchy: The feeling you get when you do or say something really stupid
example: When I tripped on my shoelace in the mall, I felt really crunchy.
Dap: white people
example: Yo dap, wassup?
D&M: A deep and meaningful conversation
example: "Go away! I’m having a D&M with Heidi."
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Digest: Put up with a person you don’t like
example: I’m trying very hard to digest Melanie, but she drives me up the wall.
Dimp (dimp) n.
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
Disconfect (dis kon fekt’) v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.
meaning you were invited, but now you are not. Not to be confused with uninvited (never invited at all).
Dopelar effect, n:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Ecnalubma (ek na lub’ ma) n.
A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
Eiffelites (eye’ ful eyetz) n.
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
Elbonics (el bon’ iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Elecelleration (el a sel er ay’ shun) n.
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
The peak year of something’s popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993."
An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering, noun, which has made a meal of many species.
Floopy: Dizzy, funny, not quite right
example: The pain killers made me feel quite floopy.
Flump: The act of sitting down in a casual manner
example: Why don’t you guys flump down on the couch.
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Frust (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was"
Go Salad: To become confused
example: We were rapping about regular stuff and then the guy went all salad on me.
Going Global: To gain a lot of weight
example: After I ate 300 bean burritos in two days, my friends said I had gone global.
Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages.
Good Day: A greeting or term of surprise
example: To a friend: "Good day!"
Good Gravy!: A simple exclamation
example: Good Gravy! What did you do that for?
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
The bloody state of the world.
A request for more details.
example: Person 1: "Did you see Johnny?"
Person 2: "Johnny? Johnny how much?"
Person 1: "Johnny Johnson!"
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Annoying but you can’t stop watching; e.g. the O.J. trial.
Isk Isk: An expression meaning GO AWAY. A way of ignoring someone.
example: Jess: "Hey Christine…"
Christine: "Isk isk" while waving him off with her hands.
A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Join WA (whiner’s anonymous): Go somewhere else to whine.
example: Friend: "My life is miserable." You: "Why don’t you join WA or something."
Lactomangulation (lak to man gyu lay’ shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.
Lie: 1. Exclamation of a positive nature. 2. Exclamation of a negative nature.
example: 1. That is lie! (positive). 2. That’s soooo lie! (negative).
Like a doctor: Pulling something off with ease or with a great deal of panache.
example: He plays guitar like a doctor.
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words – a few of those, plus some new words from old ones.
Marinating In: a belief system that your stewing in
example: "After mom said I was too old to meet someone, I was marinating in that idea.
Minty: Used in place of "cool"
example: Friend:"Man, did you go to that party last night?" You:"Yeah, it was so minty!"
Mole: A really big number. It’s a chemistry term equal to 6.02×10 23 — in other words, a really big number.
example: Were you at last night’s concert? There were mole people there.
example: "That guy was totally monochrome. I couldn’t get rid of him quickly enough"
Neonphancy (ne on’ fan see) n.
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
Ooh, Gravity!: What you say when someone falls down
example: A friend falls down the steps at school, and you say, "Ooh, gravity!"
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you’ve just made a big mistake.
Peel: To go beyond the first page of a web site
example: That web site looks whack at first, but you have to peel it to get to the phat parts.
Peppier (pehp ee ay’) n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Petrophobic (pet ro fob’ ik) adj.
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
Phonesia (fo nee’ zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Pull Your Coat: To make an inquiry
example: Hey, Mr. Man, let me pull your coat about this assignment.
Pupkus (pup’ kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Ripe-For-The-Pickin’: A cute person who is currently single
example: Alright! Brinn dumped adorable Damion, so he’s totally ripe-for-the-pickin’!
Roach: To live off of friends resources
example: Friend: "Hey I’ve only got a dollar." You: "You gotta stop roaching off me."
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two/Three Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Softing Loose: Taking things easy and not doing anything
example: "Hey, Kate, what did you do yesterday?" "Nothing. I was just softing loose."
Speaking Of Toasters: Phrase used to amplify the randomness of a thought brought up in conversation.
example: You: "I can’t understand physics." Friend: "I can belch and make it sound like a frog."
You: "…speaking of toasters…"
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re six inches away.
Tragic: An unfortunate event occurring to somebody near you.
example: Driving past someone who got pulled over, you say "Dude! tragic on him."
Trumpet: One who has an extremely large ego. (from Marching band)
example: "He won’t listen to anything we say." "Well, what do you expect? He’s a trumpet."
A sexual relationship as in "this is Dale, my…um…friend."
Upalator and Downalator
(instead of escalator)
Virus Of The Mind: a false belief system that screws you up.
example: "the number of personal bankruptcies are going up every year because people have a virus of the mind that credit is a good thing."
Yuppie Food Coupons:
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions,
marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring
only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children,
a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider
yourself lucky to get a card.
I Take Pride In My Work:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I’m Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization:
I can make my own coffee.
I’m Extremely Professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I’m Highly Motivated To Succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.
I’m Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable:
I only pilfer office supplies.
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I’m On The Go:
I’m never at my desk.
My Pertinent Work Experience Includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Career-Limiting Move (CLM):
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
An office filled with cubicles.
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. "I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn’t he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
A "Get-Out-Of Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Egghead, scientist, PhD.
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
People who work at home or telecommute.
Something happens in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.
A partner who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
A proposal everyone expects to fail but will still get your group noticed. As in," a strawman proposal for the marketing weenies."
A person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.
Employees who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
The three important things your boss expects you to do at once.
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from the workplace.
HEIDI – (noun):
Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD – (verb):
Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH – (noun):
The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER – (noun):
The State west of Jawjuh.Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS – (noun):
A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts."
THANK – (verb):
Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank a’ll have a bare."
BARE – (noun):
An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah’ll have a bare."
IGNERT – (adjective):
Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH – (noun):
A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL – (noun):
A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR – (noun):
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far."
TAR – (noun):
A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE – (noun):
A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD – (verb):
To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT – (noun), (verb):
a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh."
RATS – (noun):
Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats."
FARN – (adjective):
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country."
DID – (adjective):
Usage: "He’s did, Jim."
EAR – (noun):
A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He can’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!"
BOB WAR – (noun):
A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb):
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?"
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked in yars."
SEED – (verb):
past tense of "to see".
VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain’t never seed New York City…view?"
GUBMINT – (noun):
A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
Alert To Company Developments:
An office gossip.
Approaches Difficult Problems With Logic:
Finds someone else to do the job.
Not too bright.
Character Above Reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious And Careful:
Consults With Supervisor Often:
Pain in the ass.
Demonstrates Qualities Of Leadership:
Has a loud voice.
Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
Needs more to do.
Exceptionally Well Qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses Self Well:
Can string two sentences together.
Gets Along Extremely Well With Superiors And Subordinates Alike:
Paid too much.
Usually does it the hard way.
Indifferent To Instruction:
Knows more than superiors.
Is Unusually Loyal:
Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement Is Usually Sound:
A Keen Analyst:
Keen Sense Of Humor:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Maintains Professional Attitude:
Meticulous In Attention To Detail:
Not A Desk Person:
Did not go to college.
Of Great Value To The Organization:
Turns in work on time.
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires Work-Value Attitudinal Readjustment:
Lazy and hard-headed.
Should Go Far:
Slightly Below Average:
Spends Extra Hours On The Job:
Miserable home life.
A real jerk.
Strong Adherence To Principles:
Tactful In Dealing With Superiors:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes Pride In Work:
Takes Advantage Of Every Opportunity To Progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.
Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses Resources Well:
Uses Time Effectively:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Does too much busywork.
Will Go Far:
Relative of management.
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
Female Applicants must be childless and heterosexual (and remain that way).
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring
guys wear earrings.
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.