New Office Lingo

Author Unknown

Adminisphere:
Middle Management: the rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Beepilepsy:
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Career-Limiting Move (CLM):
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.

Dilberted:
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

Glazing:
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?”

G.O.O.D. Job:
A “Get-Out-Of Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

High Dome:
Egghead, scientist, PhD.

Idea Hamsters:
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Open-Collar Workers:
People who work at home or telecommute.

In transitioning to a more digital work environment, many startups find immense value in establishing a presence in prestigious business locations without the associated high costs. Utilizing Virtually There virtual postal address services helps businesses maintain professionalism with a credible address and mail management system. This flexibility allows for greater focus on core business activities without worrying about physical office constraints.

Prairie Dogging:
Something happens in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

Salmon Day:
Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.

Seagull Partner:
A partner who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Strawman:
A proposal everyone expects to fail but will still get your group noticed. As in,” a strawman proposal for the marketing weenies.”

Stress Puppy:
A person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists:
Employees who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists.”

Triority:
The three important things your boss expects you to do at once.

Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from the workplace.

Continue ReadingNew Office Lingo

How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

by Uri Dub

THE PROBLEM

Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative. Seeking redress for unjust termination is another critical aspect that individuals may need to consider, ensuring fair treatment and due process in employment matters, particularly when facing legal challenges related to termination.

THE SOLUTION

Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
“In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

Continue ReadingHow To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

Hickbonics/English Dictionary

Author Unknown

HEIDI – (noun):
Greeting.

HIRE YEW:
Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD – (verb):
Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH – (noun):
The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER – (noun):
The State west of Jawjuh.Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS – (noun):
A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts."

THANK – (verb):
Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank a’ll have a bare."

BARE – (noun):
An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah’ll have a bare."

IGNERT – (adjective):
Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH – (noun):
A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL – (noun):
A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR – (noun):
A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far."

TAR – (noun):
A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE – (noun):
A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD – (verb):
To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT – (noun), (verb):
a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh."

RATS – (noun):
Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats."

FARN – (adjective):
Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country."

DID – (adjective):
Not alive.
Usage: "He’s did, Jim."

EAR – (noun):
A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He can’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!"

BOB WAR – (noun):
A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb):
contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?"

HAZE:
a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked in yars."

SEED – (verb):
past tense of "to see".

VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain’t never seed New York City…view?"

GUBMINT – (noun):
A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

Continue ReadingHickbonics/English Dictionary

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Author Unknown

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Active Socially:
Drinks heavily.

Alert To Company Developments:
An office gossip.

Approaches Difficult Problems With Logic:
Finds someone else to do the job.

Average:
Not too bright.

Character Above Reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.

Competent:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious And Careful:
Scared.

Consults With Supervisor Often:
Pain in the ass.

Demonstrates Qualities Of Leadership:
Has a loud voice.

Deserves Promotion:
Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

Enjoys Job:
Needs more to do.

Exceptionally Well Qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses Self Well:
Can string two sentences together.

Gets Along Extremely Well With Superiors And Subordinates Alike:
A coward.

Happy:
Paid too much.

Hard Worker:
Usually does it the hard way.

Indifferent To Instruction:
Knows more than superiors.

Is Unusually Loyal:
Wanted by no-one else.

Judgement Is Usually Sound:
Lucky.

A Keen Analyst:
Thoroughly confused.

Keen Sense Of Humor:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Maintains Professional Attitude:
A snob.

Meticulous In Attention To Detail:
A nitpicker.

Not A Desk Person:
Did not go to college.

Of Great Value To The Organization:
Turns in work on time.

Quick Thinking:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Requires Work-Value Attitudinal Readjustment:
Lazy and hard-headed.

Should Go Far:
Please.

Slightly Below Average:
Stupid.

Spends Extra Hours On The Job:
Miserable home life.

Stern Disciplinarian:
A real jerk.

Strong Adherence To Principles:
Stubborn.

Tactful In Dealing With Superiors:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes Pride In Work:
Conceited.

Takes Advantage Of Every Opportunity To Progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.

Unlimited Potential:
Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses Resources Well:
Delegates everything.

Uses Time Effectively:
Clock watcher.

Very Creative:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Well Organized:
Does too much busywork.

Will Go Far:
Relative of management.

Zealous Attitude:
Opinionated.

Continue ReadingDictionary of Evaluation Comments

Job Advertisment Glossary

Author Unknown

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless and heterosexual (and remain that way).

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring
guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Continue ReadingJob Advertisment Glossary

Jewish English or ‘Hebonics’

Author Unknown

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America’s Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.

Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics

Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."

The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V".
Thus "walking" becomes "valking"

"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It’s "ghraining" "algheady"

Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics

Questions are always answered with questions.
Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis" mountains becomes "shmountains" turtle becomes "shmurtle".

Sample Usage Comparisons

Standard English Phrase

Hebonics Phrase

"He walks slow"

"Like a fly in the ointment he walks"

"You’re sexy"

(unknown concept)

"Sorry, I do not know the time"

"What do I look like, a clock?"

"I hope things turn out for the best"

"You should BE so lucky"

"Anything can happen"

"It is never so bad, it can’t get worse"

Continue ReadingJewish English or ‘Hebonics’

Two new verbs

Two new verbs:
To Harris: To steal something, not for oneself, but on behalf of someone else in order to curry favor.
To Scalia: To use unethical means to run down the clock on one’s opponent.

Continue ReadingTwo new verbs

Computer Definitions

Author Unknown

404:
Someone who’s clueless. From the WWW message "404, URL not found." Meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. "Don’t bother asking him; he’s 404."

486:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or workgroup. "Ask Mark, he’s the alpha geek."

Betamaxed:
when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"

Blowing Your Buffer:
Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

Bookmark:
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

CGI Joe:
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the societal skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chip Jewelry:
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that 6100/66, and now it’s nothing by chip jewelry."

Chips and Salsa:
Chips=3D hardware, salsa=3D software, i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa."

Cobweb Site:
A Web site that hasn’t been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

Crapplet:
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!"

Dead Tree Edition:
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…"

Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Dropped carrier:
Losing contact/ignoring a person. Example: "I think you’re a doofus!" "That’s okay, I dropped your carrier hours ago!"

Dorito Syndrome:
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ("I spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.")

Ego Surfing:
Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.

Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

G3:
Apple’s new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Graybar Land:
The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

GUI:
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

I/O Error
Ignorant Operator. Used by tech support in attributing problems not necessarily caused by the computer. Takeoff on Input/Output error.

It’s a Feature:
From the adage "It’s not a bug, it’s a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

JIP (Jargon Interface Protocol): When someone knows the technical meaning of acronyms such as http, tcp/ip, csu/dsu, etc. Example: They’re plugged into the JIP.

Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Keyboard Plaque:
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Legacy Media:
The traditional media, such as radio and television, but particularly newspapers. Term can describe Web sites that conform to traditional newspaper standards.

Link Rot:
The process by which links on a Web page become obsolete as they sites they’re connected to change location or die.

Meatspace:
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL."

Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Mouse Potato:
The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Nyetscape:
Nickname for AOL’s less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Obsolete:
Any computer you own.

Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

Plug and Play:
A new hire who doesn’t need any training. "The new guy John is great. He’s totally plug-and-play."

Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

Silliwood:
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV, and computers, also "hollywired."

Square headed boy/girlfriend:
Your computer.

State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can’t afford.

Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Treeware:
Manuals and documentation.

Under Mouse Arrest:
Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Uninstalled:
Euphemism for being fired.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re- boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

World-Wide Wait:
The real meaning of WWW.

Continue ReadingComputer Definitions

College Glossary

Author Unknown

ABSENT: (n)
The notation generally following your name in a class record.

ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n)
Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."

ANATOMY: (n)
One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it REALLY involves.

BIOLOGY: (n)
A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

BOOK: (n)
A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.

BOOKBAG: (n)
A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally)
books.

CAFETERIA: (n)
from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat")
and "teria" ("to wretch").

CAFFEINE: (n)
One of the four basic food groups.

CALL: (v)
What you can’t do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart.

COACH: (n)
A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new Corvette.

CUM LAUDE: (v)
How students in southern universities call dogs named "Laude."

D-MINUS: (n)
A pretty good grade.

DORM: (n)
Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes.

DORMROOM: (n)
A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.

EDUCATION BUDGET: (n)
Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.

EGGHEAD:
1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A’s.
2) (n) That same student once you’ve dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.

EXTRA CREDIT: (n)
What you wish you had on your credit card.
F: (n)
A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a test paper.

JUNIOR VARSITY: (n)
The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.

KAPPA: (n)BR>
What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas.

KITCHENETTE: (n)
A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.

KLUTZ: (n)
What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you’re holding.

LAB: (n)
A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.

LETTERMEN: (n)
Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

LIBERAL ARTS: (n)
See: "Would you like fries with that?"

LOUNGE: (n)
Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn’t soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen.

MAJOR: (n)
Area of study that no longer interests you.

MIDNIGHT OIL: (n)
What you make popcorn in.

MISERY: (n)
The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike."

NICKNAME: (n)
Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. E.g. "Bobster," "Hankster" or "Georgester."

NO: (n)
The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.

NUDE MODELS: (n)
The reason for your sudden interest in art.

OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n)
Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining county.

OTHELLO: (n)
Unless you’re an English major, who really cares??

OUT: (n)
Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message.

PAPER: (n)
Your version of Cliff Notes.

POSTER: (n)
An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making people think you’ve been to foreign lands and done things you never have.

PRE-LAW: (n)
The major of a person who will end up in sales.

VICE SQUAD: (n)
A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.

VENDING MACHINE : (n)
A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.

VICTOR: (n)
Your football team’s weekly opponent.

VICTORY: (n)
A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN spell.

WEEKEND : (n)
Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you’d signed up for a seven day meal plan.

WHIZ KID: (n)
Your college nickname. But not for the reason people think.

WINDELLAS: (n)
Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.

WINTER: (n)
When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in.

WORK-STUDY: (n)
Two things not done by a majority of students.

WRISTWATCH: (n)
That device on your arm that lets you know which class you’re currently late for.

X-RAY: (n)
A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up to ten years after they’re eaten.

XYLEM: (n)
We’re not going to tell you this. You should know this. You took Biology, didn’t you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)

YALE:
1) (n) A well known ivy league university.
2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.

YEARBOOK: (n)
A book containing student pictures that will keep getting nerdier as the years go by.

YESTERDAY: (n)
When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.

YIELD SIGN: (n)
Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around 3 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.

ZEPPELIN:
1) (n) A large blimp.
2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in one’s underwear.

ZERO: (n)
The number of times you’ve gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered.

ZOO: (n)
What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.

ZOOLOGY: (n)
The study of animal life (See: "Frat boys at Homecoming").

Continue ReadingCollege Glossary