Gay Sons

author unknown

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he”s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He”s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he”s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I”m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Continue ReadingGay Sons

Tipping the Velvet

If you haven’t read the book, you should. It’s delicious. But short of that, catch the three-part mini-series on BBCAmerica, starting Friday, May 23rd at 10 p.m. I’m buying a new video tape just for the occasion. I have the DVD now.

“A lavish tale of life and lesbian love in 19th-century London. Nan Astley (Rachael Stirling) falls in love with captivating performer, Kitty Butler (Keeley Hawes). They move to London and begin a romance, but Kitty has a terrible secret.”

Continue ReadingTipping the Velvet

Runs in the Family

A man walks into the bar and orders three double-shots of vodka.
The bartender asks, "that’s a lot of liquor, what’s the problem?"
The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay."
The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What’s wrong now?"
The man says, "I just found out that my older brother is gay."
The next day, he comes in again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Man, isn’t there anyone in your family that likes women?"
He replies, "yeah, my wife."

Continue ReadingRuns in the Family

To Think That I Saw Him On Christopher Street

Author Unknown

One day I was bored, I had nothing to do,
With nothing to do, you’d be bored. Wouldn’t You?
So I sat by my window and feeling so sad,
Thought, "Maybe I’ll answer a personal ad"

But nothing delighted me, no little gems
And why doesn’t anyone like fats or fems?
So I left my apartment to find someone sweet
And jumped on the subway to Christopher Street

And, once I got down there, I went to a bar.
I don’t really drink — but that’s where men are!
I saw guys who were hot, and guys who were not,
I saw guys drinking bourbon, at four bucks a shot

There were men wearing boots and men wearing sandals
Men who were buff and men with love handles
I saw guys wearing suede from their head to their toe
And a couple of queens who had let themselves go!

Then one little jerk just gave me such attitude
That I told this young fellow, "I think that you’re rude!
What makes you think that you’re such a big deal?"
Then I snapped him three times and I turned on my heel

Out on the street, I looked to and fro
I was looking for love but had nowhere to go
But then from a distance I heard such a roar
Id never heard anything like it before!

Then down the street came the gay pride parade
"With all of these guys I’m just bound to get laid!"
Then a huge cheer thundered up from the crowd
Then the noise of the engines. My God, they were loud!

It was everyone’s favorite, the Dykes on the Bikes!!
Then came a new group — the Bikes on the Dykes!!!
These gals were bigger and these gals were bolder!
They carried their vehicles over their shoulders!

And on top of these bikes that were carried by dykes,
Were men who had recently come from the Spike
They had rings through their noses and rings through their ears
Rings through their toes-es and rings through their rears

But my favorite had only one ring through his ear
And up above that, through his head went a spear!!
And on top of this guy was a man with tattoos
Of animals usually spotted in zoos

He had a tat-two, a tat-three, a tat-four
Had his shoulders been wider he would have had more!
On his chest were his boyfriends from current to ex
They called him the man with the rolodex pecs!

His deltoids were pumped and his lats were so wide
To get down the street he must turn to one side
And next to this guy was a man with great abs
Who works on the weekends all dressed up as Babs

And up on their shoulder were singers in poses
Who sang for us "Everything’s Coming Up Roses"
They sang songs that were famous and songs that were rarer
They kicked up their heels just like Chita Rivera!

And they carried these fellows all dressed up as nuns
Who lifted their habits and showed us their buns!
And up on the nuns, at least twelve stories high
Was a mountain of men rising into the sky

First there were "chubbies" the guys who were fat
Balancing "chasers" who like them like that
There were gays from the Bronx, Staten Island and Queens
Gays from the Army and from the Marines

I saw gays from Hawaii and gays from Formosa
I saw gays from Australia and gays who lived closer
And way up in the clouds was an army of Greeks
Who are often drawn naked upon their antiques

There were dozens of daddies, the bottoms and tops
And hundreds of owners of novelty shops
And the daddies wore leather! One guy was a WOW

I even saw one fellow wearing a cow

And speaking of animals, who would have thunk
I saw Horton who sported a ring through his trunk!
And Horton held hands with that nasty Old Grinch
(Well, you’d be mean too if you had only an inch!)

And on top of them all was the Cat in the Hat
Smooching in public with Felix the Cat!!
Then all of a sudden the traffic was backed up
‘Cause down on the pavement sat marchers from ACT UP!!!

Then suddenly somebody called out my name
His voice was more macho than Lucy’s in Mame
It was Bruno who played on the old football team
I knew him in high school! This guy was my dream!

I told him, "Oh Bruno, I am quite in shock.
In high school I always thought you as jock!"
And Bruno just smiled as he took off his shirt
And he said "Mary, please!" as he dished out the dirt

"You ain’t seen nothing. Just wait till you hear!
I’m not the only one from our school who is queer
Remember Al Levy? Remember Bill James?
They’re both on my team, cause we’re in the Gay Games!

Remember Joe Johnson? He was such a geek!
Take a look at him now. He pumps five days a week!
And Marilyn Solkow, the Homecoming Queen,
Recently married a gal named Eileen"

Now it’s hard to remember a word that he said
Cause all I could think of was us two in bed
And just when I thought I had no chance at all
He asked for my number and told me he’d call

A year later we’re dating! We’re really an item
My friends are all jealous. I know how to sight ’em
And I really love Bruno, so hunky and sweet
And to think that I met him on Christopher Street!

Continue ReadingTo Think That I Saw Him On Christopher Street

Dear Dr. Laura

Author Unknown

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Thank-you.

Continue ReadingDear Dr. Laura

The Perfect Car

author unknown

A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.

"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.

"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."

Continue ReadingThe Perfect Car

The Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!

Author Unknown

(Obviously sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the Teletubby and his cutsey little purse.
He wears a purple outfit, and, dear friends, what’s even worse,
He doesn’t scratch or spit or belch, He doesn’t even curse.
What kind of guy is he?

CHORUS
Tinky Winky is a fairy.
Moral Morons must be wary.
Ignorance like their’s is scary.
And Tinky Winky’s gay.

I have seen his little triangle where it sits upon his head,
And we all know it’s a symbol for the shame that can’t be said.
Now we have to purge this danger or our little boys will wed
A wife whose name is Ed.

CHORUS

His defenders say his purse is nothing but a magic little bag.
That’s a cover-up, as we all know, he’s just a little fag!
We cannot let a Teletubby appear in purple drag,
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Yes, they call him Tinky Winky. Does that name sound straight to you?
If he weren’t homosexual, his clothing would be blue!
He’s subversive and perverted, and his pal’s a Laa-Laa, too.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

We have seen this Tinky Winky near the San Francisco bay.
He’s the marshal of the big parade they hold on Gay Pride Day.
We’ll all join hands and hold a protest as we march the Moron way.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

He’s teaching all our 2 year-olds that gayness is no curse.
He is tearing down the fabric of our moral universe.
If left unchecked, our kids may grow up unperverse.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Jerry Falwell is our hero, he’s the one to lead the fight.
He has seen the truth and spoken out, he’ll lead us further right,
Where we will join the multitude who just ain’t none too bright.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

In a quiet Southern village Jerry was born into a haze,
With an anger in his bosom that would last him all his days.
As he works to teach us hatred, let us go and bash some gays.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Continue ReadingThe Batty Hymn of the Repugnant

The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay

Tinky Winky Waves Hi!
Tinky Winky Waves Hi!

Author Unknown

  1. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men’s room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
  2. If you’re drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
  3. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
  4. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and… Okay, maybe Falwell’s got something here.
  5. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
  6. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I’m hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
  7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he’d go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
  8. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
  9. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C’mon!
  10. Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
  11. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
  12. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
  13. and Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay…
  14. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.
Continue ReadingThe Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay

Discouraged Gay Men Chain Letter

author unknown

This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged gay men.

Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then, bundle up your partner or boyfriend and send him to the man whose name appears at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom.

When your turn comes, you will receive 16,255 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the time of this writing, a friend of mine has already received 184 men, four of whom were worth keeping.

Remember – this chain brings luck. Bob of Omaha’s dog died, and the next day he received a bodybuilder.

You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! Seth of Boise broke the chain and got his own boyfriend back.

Continue ReadingDiscouraged Gay Men Chain Letter

The Perfect Man

The Perfect Man is gentle
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile,
And keeps his face so clean.
The Perfect Man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The Perfect Man loves cooking,
cleaning and vaccuuming, too.
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love to you.
The Perfect Man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother,
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry,
Or battered you in any way.
To hell with this endless poem,

The Perfect Man is gay.

Continue ReadingThe Perfect Man