funny lists

Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn

By Dave Barry

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, he WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Continue ReadingSixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn

Funny Anagrams

Author Unknown

An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil’s Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
A Decimal Point == I’m a Dot in Place
Contradiction == Accord not in it

"That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." — Neil A. Armstrong ==

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Politicians:

George Herbert Walker Bush == Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush == He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan == A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo warlord)
Ronald Reagan == A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich == Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher == That great charmer

Most elegant anagram:

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

And the grand finale (this one is absolutely incredible!!):

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…

In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Continue ReadingFunny Anagrams

"Bar Speak" – what they really mean

Author Unknown

So occasionally you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about all of the conversation going on around you means?

"I’ll get this one, next one is on you."

Happy hour is about to end….now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

"I haven’t seen you around here for a long time."

You stuck up little twit, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"

I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"You get this one, next round is on me."

We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

"Lets get out of here."

I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

"I don’t feel well, let’s go home." (female)

You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don’t feel well, lets go home." (male)

I’m horny.

"What do you have on tap?"

What’s cheap?

"I’ve had like 10 beers already."

I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Excuse Me." (male to male)

Get the #%) out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (male to female)

I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse Me." (female to male)

Don’t even think about groping me, just get the #%) out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female)

Move your fat butt. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. And Get your eyes off of my man.

"I don’t have my ID on me." (female)

I’m 19.

"I don’t have my ID on me." (male)

I am actually 45, but the 22 year old girl I brought thinks I am 30

Continue Reading"Bar Speak" – what they really mean

You Might Be A Yankee If:

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

You don’t have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don’t know what a moon pie is.

You’ve never had grain alcohol.

You’ve never, ever, eaten okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don’t have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "y’all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

You don’t know what applique is.

You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)

You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

You’ve never been to a craft show.

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be A Yankee If:

You Know You Are From Wisconsin When …

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

Snow tires come standard on all your cars.

You refer to the Packers as "we."

You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.

You can identify an Illinois accent..

You know what cow-tipping is.

You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.

Down South to you means Chicago.

Traveling coast to coast means going from La Crosse to Milwaukee.

A brat is something you eat.

You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.

You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.

You consider Madison exotic.

You got a passport to go to Minnesota.

You don’t have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.

You know what a bubbler is.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.

You go out for fish fry every Friday.

You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.

You know how to polka.

You drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop."

Formal wear is blue jeans & a baseball cap.

You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.

Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Are From Wisconsin When …

Top 40 Things A Southerner Never Says

The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening. . .

40. "Ellen and Anne make such a nice couple."

39. "I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."

38. "Duct tape won’t fix that."

37. "Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael."

36. "Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken."

35. "We don’t keep firearms in this house."

34. "Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?"

33. "You can’t feed that to the dog."

32. "I thought Graceland was tacky."

31. "No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe."

30. "Wrasslin’s fake."

29. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"

28. "We’re vegetarians."

27. "Do you think my hair is too big?"

26. "I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."

25. "Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?"

24. "Who’s Richard Petty?"

23. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."

22. "Deer heads detract from the decor."

21. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."

20. "I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today."

19. "Trim the fat off that steak."

18. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."

17. "The tires on that truck are too big."

16. "I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad."

15. "I’ve got it all on a floppy disk."

14. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."

13. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"

12. "My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s."

11. "I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."

10. "Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams."

9. "Of course I’ll wear a shirt at the dinner table

8. "She’s too old to be wearing a bikini."

7. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"

6. "Hey, here’s an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven’t seen."

5. "I don’t have a favorite college team."

4. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."

3. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."

2. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is…..

1. "Elvis who?"

Continue ReadingTop 40 Things A Southerner Never Says

You Know You Are From A Small Town If…

You were in 4-H.

You know what 4-H is.

You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour.

You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

School gets canceled for state events.

You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school.

Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-girlfriend.

Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

You had senior skip day.

You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

You can name everyone you graduated with.

The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

You wore your letter jacket after your 19th birthday.

You used to drag "main."

You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower.

You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

You don’t give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks east Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the track field).

You give directions using "the" stop light as a reference.

The country club golf course had only 9 holes.

Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.

You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people"

You think the people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later.

Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

The city council meets at the coffee shop.

Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

You can charge at all the local stores.

The closest McDonald’s is 45 miles away.

So is the closest mall.

Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.

You laugh your butt off reading this because you know they’re all true and forward it to everyone who lives in your town! (because you know them all!)

Continue ReadingYou Know You Are From A Small Town If…

You Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9pm and ask "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "because I said so!"

You send $ to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Are No Longer A Kid If…

You Know You Live in San Francisco When…

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings – and none are visible.

When someone says TENDERLOIN – you don’t think steak. You think danger.

You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live.

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California State Flags.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay,

The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.

Old friends you haven’t talked to in years suddenly call and ask do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?

You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.

You can’t remember…Is pot still illegal?

You go to your office manager’s baby shower – the parent’s are named Judy and Becky.

You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper sticker-and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV – the guys are much hotter!

You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don’t notice.

You still can’t believe a company doesn’t offer domestic partner benefits.

You curse those damn tourists -but always stop to help a cute guy or gal who is looking puzzled at a city map.

When you drive under an underpass – for one moment you think "earthquake".

Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers" … it’s the first time you have seen him nude.

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".

You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you moved to the bay.

You are thinking of taking an adult ed class – but you can’t decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.

Your new neighbor goes to temple-but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist.

You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.

Continue ReadingYou Know You Live in San Francisco When…

You Might Be a Republican if…

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You’ve named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You’ve ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
welfare.

You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You’ve ever said, "I can’t wait to get into business school."

You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don’t think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You’ve argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You’ve ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You’ve ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You’ve ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You’re afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates…."

You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society."

You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Continue ReadingYou Might Be a Republican if…