The Drunkard’s To Do List

by Frank Rich

The idea is to cross every item off this list. Of course if you do that, your liver will give out before you can actually tell anyone about it. But go ahead, give it a shot. Just don’t ask me to go with you.

1. Open and close a bar.

2. Go on a bender.

3. Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.

4. Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.

5. Spend a night in the drunk tank.

6. Get drunk on the grave of your hero.

7. Buy a crowded bar a round.

8. Embark on an impromptu road trip.

9. Get 86’d from a bar.

10. Extravagantly over-tip a bartender.

11. Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.

12. Conspire an after hours at your favorite bar.

13. Make your best friend a perfect martini.

14. Buy, build or steal a home bar.

15. Get carried home by your drinking buddies.

16. Get drunk with your father.

17. Fight a good fight.

18. Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.

19. Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.

20. Sit in on an A. A. meeting.

21. Hit a dozen bars in one night.

22. Try at least one hundred different drinks.

23. Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.

24. Juice on the job.

25. Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.

26. Give a hobo twenty bucks.

27. Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.

28. Send a friend a bottle of good liquor.

29. Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.

30. Go on a fishing trip with your pals.

31. Eat the worm.

32. Learn at least one traditional drinking song.

33. Steal some booze.

34. Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.

35. Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: Me and the Booze: A Love Story.

36. Try absinthe.

37. Watch the movie Barfly with five of your closest friends.

38. Work at least a week as a bartender.

39. Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.

40. Go to your place of worship loaded.

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The Buffalo Theory of Drinking

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In one episode of “Cheers”, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career that you could have.

Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

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The Beer Bill of Rights

Jeff Jankowski, Ron Sperber, Jim "Jimcat" Kasprzak

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.

Amendment II
A well-stocked bar being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to brew and consume beer shall not be infringed.

Amendment III
No beer shall, in time of heat be quartered in any house without refrigeration, nor in time of cold, except in a manner prescribed by law.

Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their beer, bottles, glasses, and brewing effects, against unreasonable searches and seziures, shall not be violated, and no last calls shall be issued, but upon the proper time, supported by the clock, and particularly offering the bar patrons the opportunity to purchase and consume one more beer before closing.

Amendment V
No person shall be held to consume a second-rate, or otherwise infamous beer, unless on presentment or indictment of a large bar bill, except in cases arising in block parties or backyard barbecues, or at a fraternity house, when in actual celebration in time of holidays or sporting events; nor shall any person subject for the same bar bill to be twice put in jeopardy of cash or credit; nor shall be compelled in any drinking establishment to purchase beer for anyone other than himself; nor be deprived of beer without due process of law; nor shall private stocks of beer be taken for public consumption without just compensation.

Amendment VI
In all drinking establishments, the patron shall enjoy the right to speedy and courteous service, by a qualified bartender of the establishment wherein the beer shall have been ordered, which establishment shall have been previously licensed by law, and to be informed of the nature and price of the beer; to be presented with the bar tab against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining the beer which was ordered, and to have the assistance of the bartender for service.

Amendment VII
In bills at drinking establishments, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of service shall be preserved, and no tab presented by a bartender shall be otherwise re-examined in any drinking establishment in the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII
Excessive drinking shall not be required, nor excessive prices imposed, nor cruel and unusual beers inflicted.

Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain beers, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others consumed by the people.

Amendment X
The beers not supplied to the bars by mass marketing, nor brewed in microbreweries, are reserved to the brewpubs respectively, or to the people.

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Ode To The Malty Brew

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–W.C. Fields

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
–by Jack Handy

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemingway

They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
–Tee Mans

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
— Michelle Mastrolacasa

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
–David Moulton

I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
— Brian O’Rourke

He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato

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New Government Warnings on Alcohol

As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects.Pregnancy Resource Center announced that consumption of alcohol by pregnant ladies can also lead to abortion.This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to my attention that a few extra warning may be appropriate.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant — the new guidelines should read…

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

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