Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas But Aren’t


Author Unknown

10. Did you get any under the tree?

9. I think your balls are hanging too low.

8. Check out Rudolph’s honker!

7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.

6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.

5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?

4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.

3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.

2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

1. Well, if you can’t get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Continue ReadingTop 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Christmas But Aren’t

Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree

Christmas Tree

(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN)

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide

9. Salesman’s opening line: "You’re not a cop, are you?"

8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers

7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

5. Keeps heckling your lame top ten list

4. It’s very small and says "air freshener" on it.

3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it.

1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size."

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The Next Stop

Gingerbread Man

Author Unknown

A little boy was playing in the living room with his new Electric Train set that he’d just gotten for Christmas. His mother was in the kitchen doing dishes.

The mother heard the train stop and heard her son bellow out, "All you sons-a-bitches that want to disembark do it now. Any of you bastards who want to get on had better get going cause we’re fixin’ to leave."

Stunned, his mother immediately dropped what she was doing and ran into the living room. She yanked her son up and said, "We don’t use that kind of language in this house young man! Now you can go up to your room and you can come out in two hours after you’ve thought about your behavior."

The little boy went to his room and returned to the living room in two hours and started playing with his train again. The mother heard the train stop and the little boy say, "I would like to thank those of you leaving for traveling with us today. Please don’t forget to take your personal items with you. For those of you boarding the train, please store your personal items under your seats or in the overhead bins. We will be leaving shortly."

His mother was just as proud as a mother could be. Her heart full of pride, she heard him continue, "And those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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You Might Be A Scrooge If…


author unknown

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon — you just might be a Scrooge

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away — you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata — you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night — you just might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts — you just might be a Scrooge

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon – you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park – you just might be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log – you just might be a Scrooge

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie — you just might be a Scrooge

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat – you just might be a Scrooge

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets — you just might be a scrooge

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson — you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "I’m dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir – you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge

If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog – you just might be a Scrooge

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin – you just might be a Scrooge

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Politically Correct Santa

Author Unknown

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

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A Martha Stewart Christmas

Author Unknown

The following are entries submitted in the Washington Post’s "Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart’s December-January calendar (the winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)

Dec. 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
(Jennifer Earner, Vienna)

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The 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays

author unknown

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and who needs a man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Custom Pet Face Gift that you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. When choosing gifts for your loved ones, it’s important to make sure they are thoughtful and appropriate for the occasion. For instance, if you’re looking for ways to support someone who has recently lost their mother, you might consider memorial gifts that can help them remember their loved one and find comfort in difficult times. It’s essential to avoid buying gifts for yourself and pretending they are for the grieving person, as it can come across as insincere and insensitive. For example, giving a mother who has recently lost her child a toy you’ve been wanting to play with is inappropriate and can be hurtful. Instead, consider memorial gifts for loss of mother that are meaningful and show that you care. Some examples might include personalized photo albums or jewelry, a memorial tree or plant, or a thoughtful piece of art that reflects the personality and interests of their loved one. By taking the time to choose a heartfelt and appropriate gift, you can show your support and help your loved one through a difficult time.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.)

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that’s like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

Continue ReadingThe 10 Worst Gifts A Man Can Buy A Woman For The Holidays

Chanukah Song (Version Two)

Star of David

Adam Sandler

Time to take out those menorahs!

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
So when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here’s a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder drinks Manachevett’s wine
Then spins a dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein
Guess who gives and receives loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys
Lenny Kravits is half Jewish
Courtney Love is half, too
Put them together
What a funky, bad-ass Jew!

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And, yes, her boobs are real

Put on that yarmulke
It’s time for Chanukah
Two time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffmonica celebrates Chanukah

OJ Simpson, still not a Jew
But guess who is
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo
Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn’t, but now he’s back
Mary Tyler Moore’s husband is Jewish
‘Cause we’re pretty good in the sack

Guess who got barmitzvahed on the PGA Tour
No, I’m not talking about Tiger Woods
I’m talking about Mr. Happy Gilmore
So many Jews are in the showbiz
Bruce Springstein isn’t Jewish
But my mother thinks he is

Tell that ho Lamonica
It’s time to celebrate Chanukah
It’s not pronounced CH-anukah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tiajuanica
If you really, really wanna-ka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Chanukah
Hapyy Chanukah!

Continue ReadingChanukah Song (Version Two)

Chanukah Song (Version One)

Chanukah Candles

Adam Sandler

Put on your yarmulke
It’s time for Chanukah
So much fun-uka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is, the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you fell like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here’s a list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So does James Concord Douglas and the late Dina Shora
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha NaNa and Arthur Fonzerelli.

Ponoman’s half Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s half, too.
Put them together, what a fine looking Jew

You don’t need deck the halls or Jingle Bell Rock
‘Cuz you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock
Both Jewish!

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of Famer Rod Carew

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish –
Not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is Jewish
Well he’s not, but guess who is?
All three stooges

So many Jews are in show biz
Tom Cruise isn’t, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It’s time to celebrat Chanukah
Don’t forget harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonic-a
And smoke your maraijuana-ca
If you really, really, really, really wanna-ka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Chanukah

Happy Chanukah

Continue ReadingChanukah Song (Version One)