I am the Troll on the bridge, give me money

Stephanie’s cat Lucy is missing out. Recently, she’s been camping out at the top of the stairs hissing at the other cats when the try to come up, like the Troll under the bridge that doesn’t let people pass. But apparently she didn’t realize she should be charging money to let them by….

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So, Kathy has four kittens that were abandoned by someone near her house. There’s no mommy, but they are old enough to be on their own — about six weeks old. There’s a calico girl, a tortoise-shell colored girl, an orange boy, and an orange and white boy. They are as cute as a button. I went to her house last night to see them. I forgot to take my camera, or you’d be able to see them too. I’m going to adopt the two girls, unless someone else really wants to adopt one of the girls, in which case I’ll probably get a girl and a boy.
UPDATE: I adopted a boy and girl, and mom took the calico kitty.
Baby Huck
Baby Annabelle

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Missing Idgie, and visiting Spike

Whenever I’m home, I hear a noise, and think it’s Idgie. I start to look around, and then I remember. When I walk in the door after work, I open the door and say, “I’m home!” to the cat. I didn’t realize I did that every day until last night when I did it, and nobody came running. This is freaking me out.

I went over yesterday and played with Spike. He’s way too little to come home with me, but Jim, the guy who’s giving him to me, wants me to take him next Monday. That freaks me out worst than I’m already freaked out, because he’s too small to be away from his mom, and I don’t want to leave him alone all day. I want him, but I’m scared to death I’ll screw up and he’ll get sick or something. I think I’m going to try to take a week of vacation when I first bring him home so he can get used to me and the house.

Spike with siblings
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Cat Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

3. If it’s in my paw, it’s mine.

4. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.

5. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

6. If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.

7. If there’s more than one, ALL of them are mine.

8. If you have something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

9. If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.

10. If it’s boring or doesn’t taste good, IT’S YOURS!!

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Politically correct cat definitions

My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.
My cat is not a “shedding machine;” she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile;” she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.
My cat is not a chatterbox; she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict; she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.
My cat is not a pest; she is attention deprived.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil; she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic; she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not lazy; he is motivationally challenged.
My cat is not underfoot; she is shepherding me to my next destination, the food dish.

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Rules for cats to live by

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. Or, you could read this article to learn more about bathroom services.

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.

If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering:”

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.

6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human’s lap across arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn’t move around too much.

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget guests.

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Cat Psychological Test

Answer the following questions to determine if your cat has psychological problems that require treatment by a professional therapist.
Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair (and favorite) bedspread?
Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
Does your cat tear down holiday decorations?
Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament that might be misconstrued as his competition?
Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property?
Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?

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Why God created animals

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.”
And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn’t give a hoot one way or the other.

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My Cat Hates You

Considering my cat Idgie, you would think this website [mycathatesyou.com] is actually by me. But it’s not. Although my cat will probably be on it soon, when I send in a photo.
I thought it might be true, but it’s nice to have facts and figures to support your personal observations – a study by professor John Cowley indicates that beautiful people are paid more than people who are “ugly” or considered overweight.

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I’m about half-way moved into the new place and have been staying there for a while; my sister is staying at the old apt with the cat, who’s birthday I missed (the cat’s not the sister’s) in all the hoopla of moving. Fortunately, she can’t read the calendar, so if I give her a bunch of catnip tonight, she’ll never know any difference. Again, giving catnip to the cat not the sister. Although, who knows, maybe Stacy’d like some catnip, too.

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