RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Holidays
Christmas Sleigh
Christmas Sleigh

Author Unknown

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share. The Board of Directors felt he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in
reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will remain unchanged. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by Clarisse during the couple’s vicious divorce and custody battle. One of Santa’s elves took the statement out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress and, accidentally, released it to the press.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The four of the five golden rings have been sold by the Board of Directors, as a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks are progressing rapidly;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by HR will assure management that from now on every goose hired will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. As the function is primarily decorative, this department has been eliminated. Virtual Reality swans are on order, while the current swans will be cross-trained to learn
new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the controversial eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility and are
threatening a class-action suit. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This department will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Re-Design Team to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will form a committee to review the Snow White Division Charter to determine seven dwarfs as the right number.

Continue ReadingRE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Holidays
Deck the Halls
Deck the Halls

Author Unknown

Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Have a great day.

Continue ReadingPress Release: Christmas Downsizing

Ken’s Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment – the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken?" In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Circuit Ken" "Bear Ken" "Master Ken." These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations – we’ve talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe – he’s mine.

Sincerely,

Ken

Continue ReadingKen’s Letter To Santa

Barbie’s Letter to Santa

Author Unknown

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).

So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!

8. A new, more ’90s look. "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum; Or "Divorce Barbie" and package me with all of Ken’s belongings.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years–I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly, Barbie
Dreamhouse Malibu, CA

Continue ReadingBarbie’s Letter to Santa

Wanted Man

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Art

by Johnny Cash

From the album Live in San Quentin

Wanted man in California,
Wanted man in Buffalo
Wanted man in Kansas City,
Wanted man in Ohio

Wanted man in Mississippi,
Wanted man in ol’ Cheyenne

Wherever you might look tonight you might see this wanted man

I might be in Colorado,
Or Georgia by the sea
Working for some man who may not know at all who I might be

If you ever see me coming and if you know who I am
Don’t you breathe it to nobody ’cause you know I’m on the lamb

Wanted man by Lucy Watson,
Wanted man by Jeannie Brown
Wanted man by Nellie Johnson,
Wanted man in this next town

I’ve had all that I wanted of a lot of things I’ve had
And a lot more than I needed of some things that turned out bad

I got sidetracked in El Paso,
Stopped to get myself a map
Went the wrong way in Pleura with Juanita on my back

Went to sleep in Shreveport,
Woke up in Abilene
Wonderin’ why I’m wanted at some town half way in between

Wanted man in Albuquerque,
Wanted man in Syracuse
Wanted man in Tallahassee,
Wanted man in Baton Rouge

There’s somebody set to grab me
Anywhere that I might be
And wherever you might look tonight
You might get a glimpse of me

Wanted man in California,
Wanted man in Buffalo
Wanted man in Kansas City,
Wanted man in Ohio

Wanted man in Mississippi,
Wanted man in ol’ Cheyenne

Wherever you might look tonight you might see this wanted man

Continue ReadingWanted Man

I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Music

The Proclaimers

500 Miles - The Proclaimers
500 Miles – The Proclaimers

When I wake up yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you

If I get drunk yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s havering to you

{Refrain}
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
To fall down at your door

When I’m working yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I’ll do
I’ll pass almost every penny on to you

{Refrain}

When I come home yeah I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s growing old with you

{Refrain}

When I’m lonely yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s lonely without you
When I’m dreaming yes I know I’m gonna dream
Dream about the time when I’m with you

Continue ReadingI’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

Families Never Sought Gay Men Found Dead On Estate

By Ken Kusmer / Associated Press

INDIANAPOLIS — From rural communities across Indiana, young gay men have moved to the big city, leaving behind their families to find a place where they could openly express their sexuality. When some of them began disappearing, no one came looking for them.

Years later, at least four gay men have been identified among the remains of at least seven bodies discovered on an 18-acre suburban estate whose owner committed suicide in July. Three were male prostitutes working the gay bars, police said.

"They go to the nearest big city where there’s a number of gay clubs and gay life," said Ted Fleischaker, publisher of The Word, a gay newspaper with 10,000 readers in Indianapolis. "They may or may not even bother to tell their mom and dad they’re even gone. They won’t even go home for Christmas."

They were reported missing between July 1993 and July 1994, and by that time, "there was definitely some nervousness" among the gay community, said Jeff McQuary of Justice Inc., which promotes the civil rights of gays.

The dead were found along with spent shotgun shells and handcuffs on the Fox Hollow Farms estate. Herbert Baumeister, 49, lived there until he went to Canada, where he shot himself to death in a park in Ontario, police said.

Baumeister left behind a four-page letter that revealed nothing about the bones.

However, Baumeister’s ties to the Indianapolis gay community are unquestioned. Police have spoken to men who had sexual encounters with Baumeister, said Sgt. Ken Whisman, the lead investigator.

Whisman, however, refused to call Baumeister a serial killer, saying that since the causes of death remain undetermined, the cases aren’t even classified as homicides.

Baumeister’s wife, Juliana, contacted police earlier this year after her 15-year-old son had found a skull on the estate. Baumeister told his family the skull had belonged to his father, who was a doctor.

Continue ReadingFamilies Never Sought Gay Men Found Dead On Estate

Same-Sex Marriage

The biggest fallacy in this debate is the belief that gay men and lesbians aren’t able to get married right now. Not only are there thousands of married gay and lesbian couples, they’ve been getting married for decades.

There are several aspects to marriage; among them a legal aspect, a religious aspect, a social aspect, and a family aspect. But at the heart of all of these layers, there is the vow; the commitment that two people make to live in love, respect, and fidelity.

Gay men and lesbians have been making and keeping that vow faithfully for a long time. It is only recently that they have started to incorporate other aspects of marriage into that vow by including their communities and families in their commitment ceremonies. And there are at ten ministers here in Indianapolis that perform religious commitment ceremonies for gay and lesbian couples, and hundreds of local couples that have participated in those ceremonies.

In pursuing the right to have our marriages legally recognized, gay men and lesbians aren’t asking for a special right or consideration.

What we do want is to legally protect our unions in the same way heterosexual couples do; to have the benefit of wills and trusts, to be able to see our spouse in the hospital in an emergency. We want to protect our families from harm, as loving, caring people do.

No matter what happens in Hawaii, or how many laws banning same-sex unions get passed in different states, gay and lesbian marriage will not be prevented because it already exists, and will continue to. This issue will never disappear, and eventually common sense will prevail. The loving unions that we share will be recognized for what they are.

I have to object to an uneducated and extremely offensive quote from your article: “But others point out that marriage could encourage homosexual couples to build stable, mutually supportive lives.” This implies that we can’t or don’t do that now, and perpetuates the false stereotype that gay men and lesbians are more promiscuous than their heterosexual counterparts.

Continue ReadingSame-Sex Marriage

Simple Friends and Real Friends

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Inspiration

author unknown

Anyone can stand by you when you are right,
but a true friend will stand by you even when you are wrong.

A simple friend identifies himself when he calls.
A real friend doens’t have to.

A simple friend opens a conversation with a full news bulletin on his life.
A real friend says, "What’s new with you?"

A simple friend thinks the problems you whine about are recent.
A real friend says, "You’ve been whining about the same thing for 14 years. Get off your duff and do something about it."

A simple friend seldems sees you cry.
A real friend has soggy shoulders from your tears.

A simple friend doesn’t know your parent’s first names.
A real friend has their numbers in their address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean up.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why it took you so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks that the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you.>

Continue ReadingSimple Friends and Real Friends

The Fence

  • Post author:
  • Post category:Inspiration

Author Unknown

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."

Continue ReadingThe Fence