Acura Integra — I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend — I’m too bland for German cars
Acura NSX — I am impotent
Audi 90 — I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue — I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado — I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville — I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro — I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette — I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette
Chevrolet Corvette — I’m in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino — I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba — I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z — I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart — I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona — I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Fairmont — (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang — I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria — I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm — I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker — I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol — I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic — I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord — I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 — I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse — I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 — I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia — I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car — I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis — (See above)
Mercedes 500SL — I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL — I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata — I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB — I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante — I don’t know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX — I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass — I just stole this car and I’m going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel — I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon — I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM — I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944 — I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow — I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 — (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy — I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry — I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle — I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet — I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus — I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon — I am frightened of my wife